WHAT A TRUE FRIEND IS

Thought I'd share some of my favorite quotes about what a true friend is....

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words"

"A real friend is the one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out"

"What is a friend? It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself."

"I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"

"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends" (this is good and I can relate to it..I've had people who are around when things are going well, but disappear when I am going through tough times and need a friend to lean on)

"A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else"

"Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel that you've done a permanent job"

"When it hurts to look back, and you're too scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there"

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me"

True Friend Is Rare To Find

What makes a true friend?

Ok, this blog took a lot of time and effort, thanks to all of you who helped with your input and thoughts:

Kayla, Kristin, Shannon, Gorilla, Sherri, Jay, Trey and Lover Lovingston.

What makes a good friend to me??

This was a hard question for me to answer and I want to pose this question to all of you at the end here....



In my eyes a real friend is tried and true. They are there when you need someone to talk to and they understand your feelings or at the very least act understanding even when they don't understand fully. They sympathize with you and they always take your feelings into consideration. They understand that things in your life need to be accomplished as well as they would take care of their own things. They don't get angry or mad if you have something important that needs to be done before all else. They will not talk about you in public and they will always have your back.

A good friend will offer you advice and stand by your side even if they do not agree with the decisions you may make. A good friend will offer encouragement and offer prayers or good thoughts/words to help you through a situation.

A good friend will call you when they know you are having a bad day to make sure you are ok, to do the best they can to offer a shoulder or an ear. A good friend will not only think of themselves, but always take care of themselves...you can't be a good friend to someone, that offers good advice, if you aren't all together yourself...

A good friend will laugh at you AND with you, they will tell you when you mess up or they may keep their thoughts to themselves, but either way, they'll love you regardless of your failures or decisions. They'll question your thoughts, beliefs or feelings, to make sure you think from all angles, not just to be an ass. They may say something you don't like to hear or don't want to hear, but they do it in YOUR best interests.

A true friend will never be offended by another friend’s advice or questions…maybe if there was an offense taken it was only because it was the truth and it made them mad to hear it said aloud, maybe it only reconfirmed their fears. True friends don’t say those things out of spite, but out of looking after the ones they care about and protecting the ones they love.

Real friends don’t publicly fault their friends. They are grown up and can act mature enough to handle things like an adult. A real friend doesn’t stab you in the back when you are only trying to be helpful. A real friend won’t ignore you over something trivial and insignificant.

A real friend will understand your need to take care of the things in your life above all else. If they are a real friend they won’t fault you for taking a few minutes to get something important taken care of. They will understand and still be there once you have taken care of necessary business.

A real friend will sense when there is something wrong in your attitude or personality, they will call you up to see if you are ok, they will send you a message saying that “I’ll be there for you, when you want to talk.”

A real friend will not do something to help you out, then turn around and use it against you. Especially when the action that supposedly helped you was not one that you had even asked them for.

They let you have space, but don’t let you go too far from their sight. They keep you in mind and always have your best interests at heart. They understand that your family will always come before them and are not selfish in their desire to take up all of your time and energy. They appreciate the efforts you make at friendship, even if you are not able to lend out hours of your time at the time they need you.

There are exceptions to this of course. If a friend is in a car wreck or tragically ill and on their deathbed, then yes, a real friend will put their life on hold to help the other one make it through and cope. They will drop it all and give everything they have towards making the friend's situation more comfortable or tolerable. However, if it is the same situation over and over again, for example an asshole significant other or a drug problem, then the friend in need should understand that the things in your life will take importance over their matters at hand. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, it just means you have to take care of something, you WILL get back to their problems as soon as you can, but experiencing the same problem over and over because you don’t want to change things only means one thing…insanity.

"Color of Friendship"

Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel.

All claimed that they were the best.
The most important.
The most useful.
The favorite.

Green said:
"Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass, trees and leaves. Without me, all animals would die. Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority."

Blue interrupted:
"You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing."

Yellow chuckled:
"You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile. Without me there would be no fun."

Orange started next to blow her trumpet:
"I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangoes, and papayas. I don't hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you."

Red could stand it no longer he shouted out:
"I am the ruler of all of you. I am blood - life's blood! I am the color of danger and of bravery. I am willing to fight for a cause. I bring fire into the blood. Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon. I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy."

Purple rose up to his full height:
He was very tall and spoke with great pomp: "I am the color of royalty and power. Kings, chiefs, and bishops have always chosen me for I am the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me! They listen and obey."

Finally Indigo spoke, much more quietly than all the others, but with just as much determination: "Think of me. I am the color of silence. You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace."

And so the colors went on boasting, each convinced of his or her own superiority. Their quarreling became louder and louder. Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly. The colors crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.

In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak:
"You foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest. Don't you know that you were each made for a special purpose, unique and different? Join hands with one another and come to me."

Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands.

The rain continued:
"From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across the sky in a great bow of color as a reminder that you can all live in peace. The Rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow." And so, whenever a good rain washes the world, and a Rainbow appears in the sky, let us remember to appreciate one another.

"True Friends Are The True Wealth"

[11 Rules For Heathy Friendship]

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, But what is more
painful is to love someone and never find the courage
to let that person know how you feel. 2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you,
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with,
never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best
conversation you've ever had. 4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's
also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like
someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime
to forget someone. 6. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that
fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a
smile to make a dark day seem bright. 7. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you
want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the
things you want to do. 8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you,
it probably hurts the person too. 9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a
timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless. 10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. 11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you
were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling
and everyone around you is crying.

The real friend is the one who gives you pepper, not butter.

Dear, 'friendship' is just a simple word, but not simple to make.

When I try to make this with a stranger, I can't resist, I feel... as if distraction of mind is roving behind my eyes. I think, why I'm doing this- may be, I am so much in confusion; what you decide that noway depends on me, but, it is true that I have to change my views on a way to feel.

I am an authentic gentleman. I can never pretend to be something else. What I am going to tell you, you may be surprised, but I don't have any option without telling you the truth. Before making friendship why don't you face the reality?

It doesn't seem incredible, if there are few matters in this life about which it is safe to dogmatize or lay down the law. And there are, as we all know, practically no rules without exceptions. But if one safeguards the statement by this proviso, it can be laid down as a rule of life that real friendship between man and woman is impossible.

Now this statement is not derogatory either to man or to woman. It is simply a fact based upon the laws of Nature. It is inevitable. What friendship contains, we know better. And that is where the trouble comes in.

A girl who is keen on sport, for instance, finds a man who shares her tastes. They are thrown together by their common interests, and they become friends. She is the kind of girl, perhaps, whom men call a 'ratting good sort'.

There is 'no nonsense about her', they say.

And by that they mean a very high compliment. They mean she is not the sort of girl who wants to flirt with every man she meets; that she is the kind of girl to whom a man can talk without her imagining that he is in love with her; and that she is a girl who can talk intelligently about the things that interest men.

There is a great virtue, from a man's point of view, in being able to talk about things, and not people. There are hundreds of women who have no interest in a conversation unless it is personal.

Well, this 'jolly good sort' and the man whom we will also suppose is a 'good sort' become friends. They play games together and see as much of each other as they can. What happens? Well, first of all, even if they have no idea of love-making themselves, the idea is soon put into their heads by the remarks of other people. "Oh, they are always together," says one. "Are they engaged?" says another. "If they are not they ought to be," says a third. You know the kind of thing.


At any rate, the man soon realizes that by his friendship he is compromising the girl, and only two courses are open to him- either to propose to her or gradually to cool off and drift away. Perhaps, in a rare instance, both part unscathed.

But how often does this happen? In 99 cases out of 100 either the man or the woman suffers. He cares and she doesn't, or vice versa. And when, as we see is more frequently the case, it is the woman who comes to care as a result of this platonic friendship, she has to suffer in silence.

We believe there are exceptions to every rule, as these have been seen in numerous history and biography records of noble men and women who have a genius for friendship. We don't always know both sides of the story. But cases there are, no doubt.

It must be admitted that a man can feel this platonoc friendship very often for a plain or unattractive woman who has no physical charm for him or makes no appeal to his senses. If a man sees a pretty woman often and he becomes at all attached to her, it is natural that he should wish to take her in his arms and kiss her. If he has no such inclination he is something more or less than man.

When can one be sure of a platonic friendship? The answer is, Never. When these friendships do go on, apparently successfully, for long years, it is often because each sex is trying to be both sexes at once. The result is a confusion more untruthful than any convention. It is built upon pretence.

Enfin!

But things sometimes change more than we think. Few days ago one of my friends, a beautiful lady, wrote me a nice letter, I want to share with you.

"Friendship is a special gift given to us all. The smile of a friend is sunlight on a cloudy day, and every smile given to a friend is returned. A friend is one whom you can talk to, and listen to, without judging.

A friend doesn't ignore your faults but accepts them as part of you. A friend is a shoulder to lean on when you need support, A pat on the back when you do well, and a sympathetic ear when you fail. A friend is a person you can laugh with about everything, you can cry with without shame, and whom you trust completely. A friend is a partner in life and a part of you always and forever..."

At last, I want to tell you one thing. I very much dislike the word- 'flirtation'. However, a self-introduction to a lady can only be classified as a flirtation when it is characterised by undignified manner, by a lack of gentlemanliness. You will agree with me instantly that there was nothing ungentlemanly in my approach.

In fact, in the accepted sense of the word, there was really no 'approach'.

"True Meaning Of Friendship"

Friends in need, real friends and fair weathered friends

A friend in need, is a friend indeed' is a popular saying, implying that people become friends when they need something from you. Whilst this can indeed be true, the reverse is also significant. When you are in need, then you find out who are your real friends.

An acquaintance found out recently that she has a chronic medical condition. Nothing visible and nothing to stop her living a normal life, but something that will occasionally flare up and cause discomfort. She also found out something of the difference between real and fairweather friends.

She informed them simply because she is an open and honest person. There was no seeking of particular help. Perhaps a little sympathy, but no special treatment or additional attention.

When she told some friends, they responded with concern. They listened without asking anything in return. They asked how they could help. These were real friends.

Others, who she also believed to be friends of the same sort, responded first with selfish concerns. They asked if it was infectious in any way or that might somehow catch it. Then they melted away, despite reassurance of their safety.

Fairweather friends are those who are most likely to appear when they are in need or, at best, when you are not in need. Real friends don't care about your need. They will help where they can and know that it's ok if they can only offer a little sympathy.

This must be something like what it is to have cancer, HIV or AIDS. Those who were friends when all was well suddenly show their true colors, whilst some from the core and some from the periphery fly the true flag of friendship, offering and giving what help they can.

"Overcoming Jealousy"

12 Ways to Overcome Jealousy and Envy

I have been told that envy is my least becoming quality. But what do you expect from a girl who grew up with three gorgeous sisters within three years of me? Cute junior-high boys used me to get to my popular twin sister, and the lady who cleaned my childhood house referred to my older sister as "the pretty one." That's fodder for an insecurity problem.


Now I know that the fastest way to despair is by comparing one's insides with another's outsides, and that Max Ehrmann, the author of the classic poem "Desiderata," was absolutely correct when he said that if you compare yourself with others you become either vain or bitter, or, as Helen Keller put it:

"Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged."

But Helen and Max don't keep me from going to the land of comparisons and envy. Before long, I'm salivating over someone else's book contract, or blog traffic numbers, or "Today Show" appearance. Then I have to pull out my set of directions--these 12 techniques--that will lead me out of the continent of jealousy and home, to self-acceptance:

1. Get more information.

Most of the time we envy one quality about a person, and we presume the rest of her qualities are as perfect as the one we want. That's usually not the case. Think Rain Man. Boy did he know how to count those straws and play poker.

But his social skills needed some fine-tuning, yes? Do some research on the person you want to temporarily destroy and you will find that she has her own set of problems and weaknesses. Moreover, if you consider her success in context, you'll see that she hasn't always been a superstar--that maybe, just maybe, back when you got a blue ribbon for the fastest freestyle swimmer in the 7 to 8 age group.

She was afraid to dive in the pool or couldn't figure out how to swim without getting water up her nose. My point: you don't have the full story. Once you do, you'll feel better. I think.

2. Give her a nickname.

This sounds petty and immature. I guess it is, but it works! The purpose of this technique is to find a little humor in your jealousy, because if you can laugh at it you will spend less time beating yourself up, and more time doing productive things that make you feel better, not worse, about yourself.

One night I was reading a book by a woman who gave me a great inferiority complex. I wanted to be her. I envied her in the worst way. She was smarter than me, younger than me, blah blah blah (you know the drill). Until I read aloud a sentence to Eric and he made fun of it and gave her a nickname.

Granted, this activity isn't found in the Bible. We are not supposed to mock. But attaching a simple nickname to a person as a reminder to not take this thing too seriously ... well, it works wonders.

3. Compliment her.

"WHAT?!? You can't be serious," you're thinking to yourself. Actually I am. And it works. I don't really understand why, but it does. I have tried it numerous times. Last year I came across a blogger I envied. She had two degrees from Yale. (I scored 1,000 on my SATs).

Her books were bestsellers. (I had just received a royalty statement that said more copies of my book were returned than sold, so I got to see what a negative royalty figure looked like.) Her Technorati score (blog traffic) was, well, much better than mine.

So.... I could have stewed over this. Actually I did, and tried to think of a nickname, but I couldn't come up with one. But then I did something very counterintuitive. I e-mailed her to tell her how impressed I was with her, and I would very much like to interview her on Beyond Blue.

When I started reading through her blogs, I found this great story about her feelings of insecurity regarding a fellow writer whom she felt somewhat threatened by because he was writing on the same topics as she was.

What did she do about it? She contacted him and took him out to lunch.

I couldn't believe that she had moments of insecurity too! I mean, she's got two Yale degrees! Nowhere in her bio did it mention insecurity. But by complimenting her, and connecting with her, and dare I say befriending her, I learned that she is just like me--with some outstanding strengths but some fears and reservations and insecurities, as well.

4. Pray for her.

In Matthew 5:44, Jesus says, "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you." The same goes for the person who you want to be (at least temporarily). This does NOT mean that you have to be happy for her. You can still have a grudge or resentment whatever. But the praying will help you with the grudge.

This woman I know who is much holier and kinder than I am says that she prays daily for the trophy wife who stole her husband. I asked her if she had considered a voodoo kit, but she said she'd rather stick to votive candles and prayers. God bless her.

5. Be yourself.

You will always have one thing over your friend-nemesis: yourself. There is only one you ... with all your quirks and sensibilities and talents and curiosities. There is only one. That is good news!

It goes down as some of the best news I've ever heard, as a twin. Yes, I shared the womb with another person and I love her dearly, but, man oh man, are we different! She's a gourmet chef. I can't boil water. She hated school. It was my sanctuary.

I love what Anna Quindlen writes in her giftbook "Being Perfect":

Perfection is static, even boring. Imitations are redundant. Your true unvarnished self is what is wanted.... Much of what we were at five or six is what we wind up wishing we could be at fifty or sixty.... Listen to that small voice inside you that tells you to make mischief, to have fun, to be contrarian, to go another way. George Eliot wrote, "It is never too late to be what you might have been." It is never too early, either.

6. Do one thing better than her.

This suggestion comes from Beyond Blue reader Plaidypus who wrote this as an assignment I gave everyone to list what they believe in:

I believe that if you don't succeed at first ... you keep trying... and that failure teaches us about success... I believe that laughter is the best medicine... I believe that the best revenge against your enemies is to dress better than them...

I absolutely loved the "dress better than your enemy" directive because it reminds us that we can always find one thing that we can do better than our friend-nemesis. If matching designer outfits gives you a boost of confidence, knock yourself out!

If competing in a triathlon just to prove that you are in better shape than your mean cousin with a great figure, sign up! If identifying one weak quality in the other person gets you to smile or laugh or pat yourself on the back more often, I don't think God would mind.

7. Put the ladle (and the running shoes) away.

Early on in my writing career, my mentor Mike Leach would say to me (when I panicked at spotting a more popular book on a certain topic than mine): "Her success doesn't take away from yours. ... Her numbers have nothing to do with yours." I always remember that when I start thinking like a gerbil ... that there is only one food bowl, and if you don't get to it first and take as much as you need for an entire year, you and your whole gerbil family will die. Or, if you're Italian, mom has made one pot of pasta, so you had better dig in and eat before your selfish brother ingests your portion.

I repeat: one person's success doesn't rob another of success. In fact, success can often breed success. For example, if I distress on learning that another mental-health blogger has better numbers (not saying that has happened or anything), I need to remember that such news is good!

Because I might be on her blog roll and she might link to me occasionally, so the more readers she gets, the more will come my way. Likewise, if I'm hanging with a certain writers' circle, and one of us becomes a bestseller, chances are that we are all doing something right and her success will trickle down eventually to us (or so the theory goes.)

One more way of saying the same thing: life is not a competitive sport. You're only racing against yourself. So if you can't afford the high tech running shoes, don't buy them. It won't make a difference.

8. Keep your thorn.

I'm referring to the pointy thing that St. Paul gripes about to God in his second letter to the Corinthians. Then God tells St. Paul to stop his whining and that His grace is sufficient for him, that His power is made perfect in weakness. In summary, Paul explains to other believers (like us):

"For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I used to hate this scripture passage. I wanted to tell Paul to go jam his thorn up one of his organs. Until I realized its powerful truth. The thorn in my flesh is an illness called manic depression.

It makes me do things that I'm embarrassed about: sobbing uncontrollably in a grocery store (when depressed), or telling a racy joke to a bunch of executives (when manic). Everyone has such a thorn. Even the person that you wish were less perfect. She has a thorn, or a cross, and I'm thinking that if you put hers next to yours on the table and compared the two, you'd maybe want your own back.

At any rate, with every year of wrestling this bipolar beast, I am convinced that God was right when he told Paul that the weakness, the thorn, is responsible for the best stuff. At least it has been for me: my most authentic voice and glimpses of hope and beauty in the mess.

9. Learn from her.

Your enemy-friend is doing something right if she has your attention. There is a reason you are threatened. So, get out your scribbling pad and take some notes. If you want to network with her confidence and charm, then study her at a cocktail party.

If you envy her fluid writing style, buy a few of her books, and dissect her sentences just like you did the pig guts in Biology 101. If you want her 36-24-36 Disney Princess figure, ask her what she does for a workout. If she responds "nothing but eat ice-cream," you can ignore this and keep reading.

10. Go to the core.

Whenever I'm scheming to take down some chick who could (in my head anyway) destroy me with her success, or start in with the self-loathing because I don't do something as well as my cousin's best friend's fiancé, I know that it's time to go back mentally to my hospital room at Johns Hopkins psych ward, where I found myself. I call it my "exodus moment" because for about 15 minutes that day I crossed the Red Sea from Ego-land to Freedom.

"What has become of me?" I cried to my writing mentor Mike over the phone just after the doctors refused to release me and told me, despite my impressive argument, that I was, in fact, "one of them," and that, as one of them, I needed to return to the community room and stay for a few nights.

"I used to be successful. Now I'm sleeping in a room next to a 65-year-old man banging his head on the wall who has been hospitalized for a year," I said to Mike.

"It doesn't matter," Mike responded calmly. "None of it matters - the writing, the accolades, the success. None of it matters. Not in the end. And if you pitch the writing and decide to stay home all day to watch 'Oprah,' I will still love you and be proud of you, my little girl."

The miracle that day was that I believed him. And when I get frenzied and tied in a knot about the most ridiculous things, I go back to that moment in time when Mike told me from the most sincere part of his heart that none of it mattered. And I believe him again.

11. Find yourself.

For those of you without an "exodus moment," you need to create one. You need to go on a kind of personal retreat, like those marriage encounters that are supposed to rekindle the passion in a marriage, except that you don't have to go off to a churchy place or anything.

All you need to do is to be quiet for a few hours in a peaceful setting (I suggest some woods or a nearby creek if you're not afraid of ticks), and introduce yourself to yourself. "Self, meet Self. Nice to meet you, Self." Then you guys have to become friends. How? Think about all the things you like about yourself. Get out your self-esteem file and read it. (If want more information on starting a self-esteem file click here for instructions.)

During this time, give yourself a pep talk. Pump yourself up. Maybe sketch out some goals for yourself. What do you need to do to be able to go forward with more confidence? What specific actions will allow you to believe in yourself a tad more? One of my goals was to be as good to myself as I am to others, and to allow myself the sanity breaks that I need from my kids and work in order to nurture myself.

12. Do your best.

The ultimate weapon against jealousy and envy is simply to do your best. Because that's all you really can do. Your friend-nemesis still may run father than you, swim faster, and sell more books. But the only thing that matters is that you have done the best job that you can do. Then you can breathe a sigh of relief and feel some satisfaction.

The fourth (and final) agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's book, "The Four Agreements" is "Always Do Your Best." He writes:

Just do your best--in any circumstance in your life. It doesn't matter if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself.

And if you don't judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment.

By always doing your best, you will break a big spell that you have been under.