"What Makes a Good Parent?"

GUIDE ON PARENTING...


Over the course of my pregnancy, I have been told by several people that I am going to make a great mother. I appreciate the sentiment, because I, like most people, I think, tend to believe that the Blob lost the parenting lottery (at least where I am concerned . . . not where Mr. J is concerned).

However, it has made me wonder what, exactly, constitutes a "good parent?" Chances are that whatever responses I could give would find some shaking their heads at my naivete. Still, I have lots of time on my hands for self-exploration at this point. My "Letters to the Blob" have been part of that introspection, as I wonder if the words I have for my unborn child at this point will still be true years from now when I have years of . . . you know . . . actual parenting behind me.

So after considering this question for some time, here's what I have come up with as far as what I believe makes one a "good parent."

At the very least, these are some of the things I hope to implement into my own upcoming life with the Blob. I welcome your thoughts and suggestions, as always, and freely acknowledge that, with respect to this subject, mine is the voice of ignorance:

1) A good parent must set boundaries based on authority. My child will have friends, of that I have no doubt. Someday, I hope that he or she will consider me to be a parent and a friend. But in the beginning, as I am trying to raise him or her, I believe there must be no question that I am the parent and he or she is the child. Sometimes, it is simply going to come down to "because I said so."

2) A good parent educates her child while allowing that child to be educated by life. Children don't live in a bubble. As a parent, I believe it will be my responsibility to teach my child about the world around him or her, about matters of faith, about the values I hold dear, about the necessities of life, about the value of hard work and hard-earned money. Unless I plan on having my child live life completely insulated from the rest of the world, though, I have to be willing to allow others to contribute to that education. Teachers will help introduce my child to the basic concepts of reading, writing, and arithmetic (among other subjects). He or she will learn from other children, as well . . . things that I would rather my child not know, I am sure.

As a parent, I hope that my child will view me as a resource, and when the hard questions come based on information obtained out in the world, I hope that, as a parent, I will address those questions directly, rather than railing against the world that I feel might be usurping my role, or undermining my teachings.

I hope that, by accepting that information comes from an infinite number of sources, and by discussing that information with my child, he or she will be able to make informed decisions based on the world as it truly exists, rather than simply as a one-dimensional picture I might paint for him or her.

3) A good parent arms her child to protect himself or herself against harm. I know what I did when I was younger, despite the teachings of my mother. I know that there will come a time when my child will make decisions for himself or herself over which I have little or no control.

Even though there are times that I will hope "because I said so" is good enough, realistically, I know that won't always be the case. That's reality, and knowing that, I believe a good parent prepares his or her child for independence with knowledge.

I will tell my child the dangers of drinking and driving, the risks associated with premarital sex, the fatalities that result from unprotected sex, rather than simply teaching that good girls and boys don't do such things. My child will not be punished for going against "because I said so." Instead, by arming him or her with information, I hope to establish a defense that will protect him or her, even when I would rather just have my Blob.

4) A good parent listens. I hope that my child never hears that maxim "Children should be seen but not heard."

If we aren't willing to listen to them when they are younger, how can we hope for them to exercise their voices when they are adults? I want my child to ask questions, to challenge the information he or she is given, to think for himself or herself, and I can't comprehend how silencing such discussions, simply because they might be inconvenient or uncomfortable for me, accomplishes anything but a moment of silence. It's not worth it.

5) A good parent makes time. The song "Cat's in the Cradle" has always struck a chord in me, no pun intended. If you aren't familiar with the song, the father tells his adoring child that he doesn't have time for him when he was young and impressionable, dreaming of being just like his father.

Eventually, the father wants to spend time with his son, only to be told that his son had no time for him. I know that life is busy and overwhelming at times, but I wanted this child. I have to make time for him or her if I want him or her to make time for me. It won't always be possible, but I really hope that "I'm too busy is the rare exception, rather than the rule.

6) A good parent knows the difference between effective punishment and abuse. Sometimes, I think, spanking is appropriate. Words can be abusive and can do irreparable damage.

7) A good parent teaches responsibility. I can clean up spilled milk and launder muddy clothes, but I can't possibly clean up every mistake my child might make as though there were no consequences. I can also teach my child to clean up his or her room, but there are things he or she will not be able to reverse. It is my job to teach my child the difference, to instill in him or her that there are consequences that must be accepted in life.

8) A good parent offers unconditional love. It's that simple. It involves telling your child that you love him or her, but also showing him or her through our actions.

9) A good parent is supportive. I would love for the Blob to grow up to be the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court. He or she might want to be a rock star. I believe that a good parent supports the dream, and continues to offer support through the success or failure of that dream.

If we want our children to believe that anything is possible, there has to be someone in their corner telling them that it is. I believe that should be the parent, even when the parent wants something else. Eventually, it is no longer about us and what we want, and as the sun sets on our time, I want my child to have his or her time knowing that I believe in him or her. Completely.

10) A good parent knows there is no such thing as a perfect parent and doesn't even try to achieve that impossibility. I really hope I remember this one. These are just generic principles. I would think most parents would call them elementary. It is the implementation that gives rise to so much dispute and disagreement over proper parenting skills.

For me, I know there are specifics I want my child to know, such as the recognition of the world's diversity, tolerance of alternative lifestyles, the unacceptability of hateful and offensive slurs, the existence of different religious beliefs, the importance and value of family, that he or she will never be used as a weapon by me to hurt others, the importance of kindness and compassion, the use of violence only as a last resort, and general respect for humanity, regardless of their backgrounds and beliefs come to mind, but I think they fall within the general principles of what makes a good parent.

Your thoughts, in general or specifically? I'm not kidding, I really would appreciate all the advice I can get. I'm new to this and I know I have many things I need to learn.

What do you think makes a good parent,and how does one accomplish that goal?

"Guide On Parenting"

Real Love in Parenting

Parenting is one of the most important responsibilities we will ever take upon us, and yet what training do we receive for this awesome task? In school we learn algebra, history, and English, but not how to raise happy and responsible children.

Our lack of preparation is reflected in the condition of our children. They often sulk and glare at us. They fail to carry out the responsibilities we give them. They don’t do their homework. They argue and fight with one another. They make a great deal of noise, often with the generous assistance of amplifiers and speakers. They bring these problems and attitudes to school, where they’re disruptive and irresponsible.

And that’s just the beginning:

41% of ninth-grade students reported drinking alcohol in the past month.
Almost one-fourth of ninth graders reported binge drinking (five or more drinks on one occasion) in the past month.

60% of high-school seniors in some regions are binge-drinkers.
In the last thirty years, the incidence of girls who have had sex by age 15 has gone up by 500%.

The incidence for boys has more than doubled.
21% of 9th graders have had 4+ sexual partners.
1/4 of all adolescents contract a sexually transmitted disease before they graduate from high school.

4 out of every 10 girls in the U.S. will become pregnant at least once while in their teens. 80% of these pregnancies are unintended.

Anger, rebellion, drinking, drug use, and indiscriminate sex are not all separate problems, although we have often approached them in that way. These problems are symptoms of a growing unhappiness among our children.

We know it’s growing because in the 1950s a standardized psychological profile was performed on several thousand children, measuring anxiety, which is a strong indication of unhappiness.

Then they repeated the test in our day and found that the average American child now experiences more anxiety than the average child psychiatric patient did in the 50s. One way to interpret that study would be to say that the average American child now would have qualified as insane in the 50s.

With their behavior—with many behaviors—our children are screaming that something is missing from their lives. As parents we are often absolutely baffled about how to help these confused and troubled children—and about how to prevent these problems in the first place.
So what’s missing? What do our children need that they are obviously not getting? What every child needs most in order to be happy is to feel loved. But not just any kind of love will do.

Children can be happy only when they feel loved unconditionally, when they have enough Real Love.

Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s not Real Love when you do what I want and I like you. That’s relatively worthless; that’s earning or buying love. It’s Real Love when you make mistakes and inconvenience me, but I’m not disappointed or angry.

Regrettably, most children don’t get much Real Love. When children are clean, quiet, and obedient, they often experience the signs of our approval—smiles, gentle tones, kind words—but they also see what happens when they’re loud, disobedient, and otherwise inconvenient.

The smiles and kind words tend to disappear immediately, and from this behavior they can only learn this lesson: “When you’re good I love you, but when you’re not I don’t.” This is the worst wound a child can receive, and the effects are far-reaching.

All of our children’s behaviors that we find exasperating—anger, defiance, fighting with their siblings, withdrawal, lying, lack of responsibility, and so on—are nothing more than reactions to the emptiness and fear in their lives, nothing more than reactions to not feeling a sufficient supply of the one thing—Real Love—that is as essential to their emotional health as air, water, and food are to their physical well being.

Read the book Real Love in Parenting and take advantage of your free membership in RealLove.com, where you will learn the principles that will enable you to raise children who are far more loving, responsible, and, above all, happy.

You will learn the Nine Principles of Effective Parenting:

"Profound, provocative, written with great wisdom and compassion. After reading this book, I will never feel confused about my children again."

"I was at my wits' end. I did not know how to help my children. But now I do. Real Love in Parenting has given me everything I was missing as a parent."

The First PrincipleMore than anything else, my child needs to feel loved.
The Second PrincipleWhen my child behaves badly, he or she doesn’t feel loved.
The Third PrincipleWhen I’m angry, I’m wrong
The Fourth PrincipleI can’t give what I don’t have: I must find Real Love for myself
The Fifth PrincipleMy child needs to be loved and taught
The Sixth PrincipleAfter my child has been loved and taught,he or she needs to be loved and taught again
The Seventh PrincipleThe Law of Choice
The Eighth PrincipleHappiness comes from being loving
The Ninth PrincipleHappiness comes from being responsible

You will also learn the answers to the following questions about parenting:

What are the real reasons our children often behave badly?
What is the real reason parents become angry and frustrated with children?
How do parents unwittingly cause in children the behaviors they dislike most?
How can we completely eliminate the destructive force of anger from parenting?
How can we as parents find the Real Love our children need?
Why is it foolish for us to feel guilty for the mistakes we’ve made as parents?
How can we teach children to become responsible, without nagging and manipulation?
How can we teach children to almost effortlessly resolve conflicts between one another (arguments, resentments, racism, and so on)?
How can parenting become consistently effective and enjoyable?

How to Be Nice

Smile. A smile will let people know that you are pleasant and inviting. If you smile at someone, look them in the eye. For the most part, if you smile at someone, they won't do anything but smile back. If they don't, then maybe they are just having a bad day. It is up to you to set the mood of the encounter. Make it happy by being the first to smile.

Say hello. When you're walking past someone, even a stranger, try to acknowledge their presence with simple "hello" or "hi" or even just a wave or a nod in their direction.
Ask people how they are doing. Take the time to ask someone how things are going in their lives, without being nosy or intrusive. If they seem resistant to talking, just let them know that you're always around to talk to, and that you want them to be alright.

Be a good listener. Listen when other people are talking to you. It isn't nice to just ignore other peoples' opinions and stories. If you find that someone is becoming rude or pushy, acknowledge their opinion, issue a compliment ("Having your own set of values and beliefs is pretty admirable") and excuse yourself politely ("I'm sorry, I've got to go get the groceries so I can meet my husband/wife when they get home.").

Be courteous. Always say "please," "thank you" and "you're welcome." You can also address people by sir or ma'am, depending on the occasion. Be patient, observant, and considerate. Treat people with respect. Even if you don't particularly like someone at first, they could end up being a really interesting and kind person.

Be positive. Don't be negative or critical. Keep looking for the positive in any given situation.

Be humble. The key to being nice is remembering that you are not "better" than someone else. You're an individual, but everybody has their struggles, and being nice to one another makes life better for everyone.

Offer to help. If you see someone struggling or doing anything, offer to help, even doing something as simple as carrying a bag of groceries. You can also be nice to the community and the world by volunteering.

Be sincere. Don't be nice as a means to an end. If you just want to be nice so that you can gain preferential treatment, it's quite the opposite of being nice--it's deceptive, shallow and cruel. Be nice because you want to look back on your life and know that you were a nice person, no matter what.

Tips

Always remember, The Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Assume the best about people. Most people don't mean to insult or offend others most of the time. Unless it's overt, assume the slight was accidental.
Bad language, gossiping, whining, selfishness and greediness don't mix with being nice.
Hold the door open for someone who is approaching the door the same time you are. Allow them to go in ahead of you. Do the same if you are leaving a store, hold the door open wide, and allow who ever is leaving, leave before you.
If you are sitting, and you see an older person, or a pregnant, or ill person standing, offer them your seat.

Be courteous.

It may seem a bit awkward for guys to smile, especially at other male strangers. If that is the case, then simply ofter a casual "hey man", or "hi" or "how's it going?". It works just as well as a smile, and can be more comfortable.

If you find yourself thinking poorly about someone, don't worry; you're not a terrible person. But try to catch yourself doing it, and think of something nice about that person instead. It'll help you look at people more positively, and you'll quickly break the habit of seeing the worst in someone.
Don't laugh at other people's mistakes and don't point out their faults too harshly.
Be optimistic about everything.

Warnings

While being nice, do not be a total pushover. Compromise is good, but expect to be treated fairly. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right and do not hesitate to defend someone. If you find that you're being considerate of someone's time but they are not being considerate of yours, bow out as respectfully as you can and make yourself scarce.

Members of the opposite sex can sometimes misinterpret niceness as a signal that you're attracted to them, or even as flirting. Learn how to gently and subtly let someone know that you're just being nice, which by the way is not the easiest thing to do, but it will prevent a lot of miscommunication. Do not go over the top with being nice because people will twig that you are only doing it for yourself!

How to Be a Good Mother

There's already a lot to cover when learning how to be the best parent you can be. But there are certain challenges a mother faces as a parent that are distinct from those of being a father. Here's how to overcome them and raise your child(ren) well.

Steps

Be patient. Being a mother is a little challenging sometimes, especially if you have a daughter. But keep your cool and try to stay patient. Your' daughter snuck into your room and put on your makeup? Explain to her the practical reasons why she shouldn't do this, such as hygiene, clogging pores, etc. Then tell her why you don't like her doing it- she'll muck up her skin at this young age, this is your makeup, etc. Try this approach to other problems. Stay calm, explain the practical reasons not to do something, and then why YOU don't want them to do something.

Take an interest in your child's interests. If your son likes cars, maybe buy him a model car he can make. Ask questions, like what is your favourite type of car, which model is that car, etc. If your daughter is interested in animals, buy her something like a magazine for animals, and tell her some interesting sites and books she can look at. Ask her what her favourite animal is, info about animals, etc. Make an effort.

Don't be tight about money. Okay, so blowing money day after day isn't the best thing to do, but don't automatically say no to everything your kid asks for. If you always say no and follow this with a lecture about saving money, you will be known as the "Tight Parent", the one who never buys anything. Buy something small every now and then. Even offering to purchase some candy or chips at the petrol station can make a difference. Every now and then buy something big that you are sure your kid wants. For example, an i-pod, or a bike. And be generous at birthdays.

This can include taking a special day to go out to dinner, see a movie, and choose a nice gift or receive nice gifts from parents.

Make sure you are an approachable person to talk to. Try your hardest to always be understanding and a good listener. Knowing that they can go to their mum for friendship advice, information on sex and puberty, homework help, or just a hug goes a long way for kids. Not having someone they can talk to can cause kids to retire into a shell, so make sure you talk to them about how they feel regularly.

Be supportive, and never laugh at your kids hobbies, interests or friends. So, your son doesn't want to study medicine and become a doctor? Don't get angry, this is your childs' life and they can make some of their own decisions. Understand that it's okay if your child thinks differently from you. Don't get mad because they have a different opinion to you, or your son wants to become an engineer and not a doctor. Don't laugh at them, or their friends. Who cares if you daughter listens to heavy metal music and wears too much eyeliner? She's still your daughter. And so what if your son is friends with a guy who speaks in a funny accent or who has a different skin color? You might not do what your kids do, but that is their decision, not yours. You have a big impact on their lives already-you choose what school they go to, when they eat dinner, the amount of pocket money they get for doing chores. Don't over do it.

Be able to admit that something you did may have been wrong and don't be afraid to apologize. It might be hard, but it's better for everyone if you just admit to your mistakes and apologize. It saves everyone the trouble of being mad that you're being stubborn and teaches your kids that it's okay to make mistakes, as well as the importance of an apology. Simply calm yourself, evaluate the situation, determine what you did wrong and why. Then apologize and explain how or why you acted the way you did. A good way to start off may be: "I would like to apologize for how I acted earlier, and I realize that I was wrong," then transition into the rest.

Tips

Help your child with their homework. Not only will you know what they're doing in school, but your child will probably start coming to you for help by themselves.
Spend quality time with your child. Play ball with your son or do a craft project with your daughter. And make sure you have fun.

Take your child out to museums, the theatre, classical music concerts, and other cultural events. While they may not like it at the time, they will most likely be grateful when they are older that they have a more well-rounded background.

Always be supportive and accepting.

Always try to be fair.

Don't use the phrase, "I carried you for 9 months!" in an argument. Your kids will most likely not understand what you actually had to go through, and it won't be really effective.

A few other observations from another perspective:

Parents need to teach their children how to be successful adults. Don't routinely do things for your children that they can learn to do for themselves.

Life is a great teacher. Don't be too quick to rescue your child from the results of their own actions if the consequences are not overly severe.

Your child is an individual deserving of respect, not an extension or a reflection of you.

Love them unconditionally; don't force them to be who you think they should be in order to earn your love.