"The Shades That's Flaunts,Spring Makeover"

"Cosmetics That Will Let Your Natural Beauty Shine"

Spring is a great time to renew your image and try out new things. What items should you have in your cosmetics bag? Make-up artists and designers suggest a bold and bright image for the spring 2008. The colors dedicated for make-up are so playful and bold that you need to be a real fashionista to wear them. On the other hand: let the spring be colorful and bright!

Flushed cheeks is one of the loveliest trends of spring 2008. Soft and cute flush is recommended for both daytime makeup and evening makeup. Pinky peach blush fits even the most bold lip color for that special occasion; it also works well to enlighten natural looking makeup for the day. It's the best way to highlight face features and make you look fresh.ShopNBC

Three big tendencies dominate the lip make-up area. Nude lips effect is still very popular, especially when combined with smokey eyes and natural-looking blush. The trend of nude lips does not mean you can't use lipstick or gloss; feel free to add some color and a bit of shimmer, but keep it natural. If you're not into natural look, you won't miss if you choose classic red. This color is right for every season, that's why it's called classic. If the image of fatal woman doesn't attract you at all, try sheer red lipstick.

Be careful about other makeup details while wearing the classic red lipstick: it's a very strong accent and you really don't need black eyeliner or strong blush. The third tendency is the funniest one, because it suggests candy-colored lips. This trend won't look good on elder women, however if you're a teen or if you feel young forever, orange, pink, hot coral and even fuchsia are the hottest colors of spring 2008. A candy color on lips is quite a bold statement, so one shouldn't overdo other details.

Natural beauty becomes more and more trendy. Full eyebrows are the hottest look of spring 2008. They should be well groomed, but excessively thin arches are out of the question. You may even want accentuate them with dark colored liner because the strong eyebrows is going to be the most popular. Matte foundation is another natural-looking trend. You don't want your skin to be glossy on spring 2008. Even bronzers are matted especially if you use them on face.aswechange

If bold lips are not for you, bold eye make-up is recommended for this season as well. Both pastel and bright metallic eyeshadows are going to be popular. Pastel eyeshadow is meant to match trendy multicolored layers and floral patterns of clothing. Choose light green, lilac and eggshell blue to achieve the trendiest look. If pastel tones seem to be too boring for you, go for Crayola Colors.

Choose only one color as this image is very bold and playful and liqand you don't want to end up looking like anime heroine. Choose shiny metallics uid eyeliner for evening make-up. Shimmer on eyelids is the top look for evening as well as the cat eyes image. If shine and sparkles don't attract you, remember the classic smokey eyes make-up; it's popular once again.
Eye makeup is not completed if you forget your lashes.

Heavy and even fake-looking eyelashes are going to be the most popular. Remember that the longer, the better, but be moderate. Fake eyelashes are also acceptable, but use only a half of a strip and place it to the outer part of your lash line for the wow effect.

"Woman In the Qu'ran And Sunnah"

In Islam there is absolutely no difference between men and women as far as their relationship to Allah is concerned, as both are promised the same reward for good conduct and the same punishment for evil conduct. The Qur'an says:

And for women are rights over men similar to those of men over women. (2:226)

The Qur'an, in addressing the believers, often uses the expression,'believing men and women' to emphasize the equality of men and women in regard to their respective duties, rights, virtues and merits. It says:

For Muslim men and women, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast, for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise, for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward. (33:35)

This clearly contradicts the assertion of the Christian Fathers that women do not possess souls and that they will exist as sexless beings in the next life. The Qur'an says that women have souls in exactly the same way as men and will enter Paradise if they do good :

Enter into Paradise, you and your wives, with delight. (43:70)

Who so does that which is right, and believes, whether male or female, him or her will We quicken to happy life. (16:97)

The Qur'an admonishes those men who oppress or ill-treat women:

O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the dowry you have given them - except when they have become guilty of open lewdness. On the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike something and Allah will bring about through it a great deal of good. (4:19)

Considering the fact that before the advent of Islam the pagan Arabs used to bury their female children alive, make women dance naked in the vicinity of the Ka'ba during their annual fairs, and treat women as mere chattels and objects of sexual pleasure possessing no rights or position whatsoever, these teachings of the Noble Qur'an were revolutionary. Unlike other religions, which regarded women as being possessed of inherent sin and wickedness and men as being possessed of inherent virtue and nobility, Islam regards men and women as being of the same essence created from a single soul. The Qur'an declares:

O mankind! Reverence your Guardian-Lord, who created you from a single person, created, of like nature, his mate, and from this pair scattered (like seeds) countless men and women. Reverence Allah, through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and reverence the wombs (that bore you); for Allah ever watches over you. (4:1)

The Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) said, "Women are the twin halves of men." The Qur'an emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in a most beautiful simile:

They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them. (2:187)

Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's chastity. The garment gives comfort to the body; so does the husband find comfort in his wife's company and she in his. "The garment is the grace, the beauty, the embellishment of the body, so too are wives to their husbands as their husbands are to them." Islam does not consider woman "an instrument of the Devil", but rather the Qur'an calls her muhsana - a fortress against Satan because a good woman, by marrying a man, helps him keep to the path of rectitude in his life. It is for this reason that marriage was considered by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) as a most virtuous act. He said: "When a man marries, he has completed one half of his religion." He enjoined matrimony on Muslims by saying: "Marriage is part of my way and whoever keeps away from my way is not from me (i.e. is not my follower)." The Qur'an has given the raison d'�tre of marriage in the following words:

And among His signs is this, that He has created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them; and He has put love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (30:21)

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was full of praise for virtuous and chaste women. He said:

"The world and all things in the world are precious but the most precious thing in the world is a virtuous woman. He once told the future khalif, 'Umar: "Shall I not inform you about the best treasure a man can hoard? It is a virtuous wife who pleases him whenever he looks towards her, and who guards herself when he is absent from her."

On other occasions the Prophet said:

"The best property a man can have is a remembering tongue (about Allah), a grateful heart and a believing wife who helps him in his faith." And again: "The world, the whole of it, is a commodity and the best of the commodities of the world is a virtuous wife."

Before the advent of Islam women were often treated worse than animals. The Prophet wanted to put a stop to all cruelties to women. He preached kindness towards them. He told the Muslims: "Fear Allah in respect of women." And: "The best of you are they who behave best to their wives." And: "A Muslim must not hate his wife, and if he be displeased with one bad quality in her, let him be pleased with one that is good." And:"The more civil and kind a Muslim is to his wife, the more perfect in faith he is."

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was most emphatic in enjoining upon Muslims to be kind to their women when he delivered his famous khutba on the Mount of Mercy at Arafat in the presence of one hundred and twenty-four thousand of his Companions who had gathered there for the Hajj al-Wada (Farewell Pilgrimage). In it he ordered those present, and through them all those Muslims who were to come later, to be respectful and kind towards women. He said:

"Fear Allah regarding women. Verily you have married them with the trust of Allah, and made their bodies lawful with the word of Allah. You have got (rights) over them, and they have got (rights) over you in respect of their food and clothing according to your means."

In Islam a woman is a completely independent personality. She can make any contract or bequest in her own name. She is entitled to inherit in her position as mother, as wife, as sister and as daughter. She has perfect liberty to choose her husband. The pagan society of pre-Islamic Arabia had an irrational prejudice against their female children whom they used to bury alive. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) was totally opposed to this practice. He showed them that supporting their female children would act as a screen for them against the fire of Hell:

It is narrated by the Prophet's wife, 'A'isha, that a woman entered her house with two of her daughters. She asked for charity but 'A'isha could not find anything except a date, which was given to her. The woman divided it between her two daughters and did not eat any herself. Then she got up and left. When the Prophet (peace be upon him) came to the house, 'A'isha told him about what had happened and he declared that when the woman was brought to account (on the Day of Judgment) about her two daughters they would act as a screen for her from the fires of Hell.

The worst calamity for a woman is when her husband passes away and, as a widow, the responsibility of maintaining the children falls upon her. In the Eastern World, where a woman does not always go out to earn her living, the problems of widowhood are indescribable. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) upheld the cause of widows. Most of his wives were widows. In an age when widows were rarely permitted to remarry, the Prophet encouraged his followers to marry them. He was always ready to help widows and exhorted his followers to do the same. Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet said: "One who makes efforts (to help) the widow or a poor person is like a mujahid (warrior) in the path of Allah, or like one who stands up for prayers in the night and fasts in the day."

Woman as mother commands great respect in Islam. The Noble Qur'an speaks of the rights of the mother in a number of verses. It enjoins Muslims to show respect to their mothers and serve them well even if they are still unbelievers. The Prophet states emphatically that the rights of the mother are paramount. Abu Hurairah reported that a man came to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and asked: "O Messenger of Allah, who is the person who has the greatest right on me with regards to kindness and attention?" He replied, "Your mother." "Then who?" He replied, "Your mother." "Then who?" He replied, "Your mother." "Then who?" He replied, "Your father."

In another tradition, the Prophet advised a believer not to join the war against the Quraish in defense of Islam, but to look after his mother, saying that his service to his mother would be a cause of his salvation. Mu'awiyah, the son of Jahimah, reported that Jahimah came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said, " Messenger of Allah! I want to join the fighting (in the path of Allah) and I have come to seek your advice." He said, "Then remain in your mother's service, because Paradise is under her feet."

The Prophet's followers accepted his teachings and brought about a revolution in their social attitude towards women. They no longer considered women as a mere chattels, but as an integral part of society. For the first time women were given the right to have a share in inheritance. In the new social climate, women rediscovered themselves and became highly active members of society rendering useful service during the wars which the pagan Arabs forced on the emerging Muslim umma. They carried provisions for the soldiers, nursed them, and even fought alongside them if it was necessary. It became a common sight to see women helping their husbands in the fields, carrying on trade and business independently, and going out of their homes to satisfy their needs.

'A'isha reported that Saudah bint Zam'ah went out one night. 'Umar saw her and recognized her and said, "By God, O Saudah, why do you not hide yourself from us?" She went back to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and told him about it while he was having supper in her room, and he said, "It is permitted by Allah for you to go out for your needs." The predominant idea in the teachings of Islam with regard to men and women is that a husband and wife should be full-fledged partners in making their home a happy and prosperous place, that they should be loyal and faithful to one another, and genuinely interested in each other's welfare and the welfare of their children. A woman is expected to exercise a humanizing influence over her husband and to soften the sternness inherent in his nature. A man is enjoined to educate the women in his care so that they cultivate the qualities in which they, by their very nature, excel.

These aspects were much emphasized by the Prophet (peace be upon him). He exhorted men to marry women of piety and women to be faithful to their husbands and kind to their children. He said:

"Among my followers the best of men are those who are best to their wives, and the best of women are those who are best to their husbands. To each of such women is set down a reward equivalent to the reward of a thousand martyrs. Among my followers, again, the best of women are those who assist their husbands in their work, and love them dearly for everything, save what is a transgression of Allah's laws."

Once Mu'awiyah asked the Prophet (peace be upon him), "What are the rights that a wife has over her husband?" The Prophet replied, " Feed her when you take your food, give her clothes to wear when you wear clothes, refrain from giving her a slap on the face or abusing her, and do not separate from your wife, except within the house." Once a woman came to the Prophet with a complaint against her husband. He told her: "There is no woman who removes something to replace it in its proper place, with a view to tidying her husband's house, but that Allah sets it down as a virtue for her. Nor is there a man who walks with his wife hand-in-hand, but that Allah sets it down as a virtue for him; and if he puts his arm round her shoulder in love, his virtue is increased tenfold." Once he was heard praising the women of the tribe of Quraish, "...because they are the kindest to their children while they are infants and because they keep a careful watch over the belongings of their husbands."

The Shari'ah regards women as the spiritual and intellectual equals of men. The main distinction it makes between them is in the physical realm based on the equitable principle of fair division of labor. It allots the more strenuous work to the man and makes him responsible for the maintenance of the family. It allots the work of managing the home and the upbringing and training of children to the woman, work which has the greatest importance in the task of building a healthy and prosperous society.

It is a fact, however, that sound administration within the domestic field is impossible without a unified policy. For this reason the Shari'ah requires a man, as head of the family, to consult with his family and then to have the final say in decisions concerning it. In doing so he must not abuse his prerogative to cause any injury to his wife. Any transgression of this principle involves for him the risk of losing the favor of Allah, because his wife is not his subordinate but she is, to use the words of the Prophet (peace be upon him), 'the queen of her house', and this is the position a true believer is expected to give his wife. In contrast to these enlightened teachings of Islam in respect of women, Western talk of women's liberation or emancipation is actually a disguised form of exploitation of her body, deprivation of her honor, and degradation of her soul!

"The Type of Woman Men Fall in Love With"

I’d like to shed some light on something that women have been puzzled about for centuries, and that is the type of women men fall in love with. There have been so many books written on this subject, yet most have not delivered the common sense answers I am going to share with you in this issue of Smart Woman’s Guide Newsletter.

Without wasting much time, I will get right to the point. I am going to give you 10 personality attributes that men love to see in the women they fall head over heels in love with. Men are attracted to women that have:

1. Intelligent – This attribute ranks very high, after men have gotten past your looks. Men love women that are smart, opinionated, and articulate. Most enjoy speaking to women who have their own point of view on subjects and are passionate in discussing affairs of the day. Men love to debate, and if you can make them believe, or at least respect, your point of view, then you have a man that will see you as an equal, and not as an ornament to be displayed to the rest of the world until the next best ornament comes his way.

2. Good Humored – If you can laugh at your man’s crude jokes or take his wisecracks, you become someone he wants to get to know better. But if you’re the type that easily gets upset when he jokes about your raggedy hair or sloppy dressing, men will not find your personality as attractive as one who possesses this quality.

3. Confident – When you have your own opinion and can defend it, are comfortable in your own skin, regardless of your body size or whatever else Mother Nature has thrown your way, then you have what it takes to attract men that will fall head over heels in love with you.

4. Supportive - Men find it easy to fall in love with women that encourage and support positive undertakings they embark on. Men love women that have the ability to see what they see in the goals they pursue. Men believe that when you support their dreams and goals, you believe in their ability to accomplish those things that are dear to their hearts. And when you support that which is dear to a man’s heart, you essentially have the key to unlock his passionate love for you.

5. Accommodating – When you understand that men are not perfect, and you are able to easily forgive them for their imperfections, then you possess one of the most admirable qualities men seek in their love interest. However, if you are the type that will nitpick every single thing they do or nag them at the drop of a hat, then you will not have a man hanging around you for very long.

6. Patient – This attribute is quite similar to that in #5. When I speak of patience here, I am referring to a woman’s ability to be in a relationship with a man without pressuring him into making a serious commitment he may not be ready to make. Now understand that there is a way to let a man know that you are interested in settling down, without coming across as desperate or overbearing. Women that show men that they are willing to wait for them to propose a committed relationship are apt to be more attractive to men than those that come across as impatient.

7. Sensual – A woman that is not sensual is not attractive to any man. To be attractive to a man you must be perceived as someone who is very comfortable with her sexuality and knows how to initiate sex spontaneously. If you believe that men should always be the first to make the move when it comes to bedroom and lovemaking matters, you may be doing yourself more harm than good when it comes to your ability to attract men. Improve your ability to initiate intimacy, and you will see how much more attractive you will appear to your guy. You can improve in this area tremendously if you are open to what Michael Webb, a bestselling author, reveals in his exciting e-book, "500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets".

8. Honest – Men find authentic and honest women quite attractive. If you are the type that tells it like you see it, men will find this aspect of your personality very attractive. “Say what you will do and do what you say” ought to be your motto. Just as you respect and love men that tell you the truth no matter what, men feel the same way when they meet a woman that does not waste their time with fibs. In a nutshell, men are attracted to women that are honest and down to earth, women that do not pretend to be who they are not.

9. Open-minded – The willingness to explore other possibilities, new ideas, etc. is an attribute that men seek in the women they want to love. Being open-minded does not mean that one has to compromise one’s personal convictions, but rather is able to see another point of view and respect it, even if it is not one that you share.

10. Health conscious – Women that take care of themselves are generally more attractive than those that do not. After all a good physique is the first thing that attracts men, even before they get to know how wonderful and exciting you are. Men are attracted to women that exercise, eat right, take care of their hair, nails, and dress well. To attract the best you must look your best – it is that simple.

The Ten" Things your Man Wants, and How to Give it to Him "

Marriage is a sacred vow that millions of us commit ourselves to. It means so much – you have a partner for life that will endure the ups and downs of being alive right along side you. You’ve entered the commitment based on love, respect, adoration and friendship, but through the years we may lose sight of how important it is to maintain our relationship. Worse yet, we may lose sight of what a man wants from a woman.

This doesn’t mean that women should be the only ones concerned about what their spouse needs out of a relationship – this should be a reciprocal process. But, what you may find out is your man’s wants may not be too different from your own wants and desires.

There are ten basic relationship wants (some may even consider them needs) that all men wish they could have. All you have to do is recognize these wants, and invest a little time and effort to make them a reality.

Number one – men want us to tell them what is on our minds.

Women are complex creatures – we are nurturers, creators, communicators and managers. We can easily express what is on our minds when it comes to a business deal or interior design, but are we playing mind games when it comes to our man?

Most men know that women need to feel like they are understood and that their needs are met, but wouldn’t it be great if we could let our man know what is on our mind at least half the time?

Admit it – you are guilty of the mind reading game. We see something that needs to be done, and we expect our spouse to crawl inside our heads and do it. Right? Every woman is guilty of this in some form or fashion. But, when you think about it, is it really fair of us to expect something to be done without mentioning it first?

Men want to know how to satisfy us – really they do. And guess what; if we let them in on our little secrets in advance, they are pretty smart creatures, and will adapt. They can actually learn how to pick up on how we think (once we let them into our heads, of course), and over time, will better learn how to anticipate our wants and begin to understand what drives us as a human being.

So, not only does a man get what they want, but you do too.

Friday night is chick flicks and chocolates, but what does your man get in return? More chick flicks and chocolates? Come on, ladies.

If your man is willing to do things that you are interested in – flea market shopping, decorating the house, picking flowers or even watching The Thorn Birds – don’t you think it’s not only nice, but necessary to participate in his favorite extracurricular activities?

Give in to your dreaded anti-sports routine and say cheers with your beer and watch the game with him. Play football in the yard, and put on a great show. You may just learn that golf isn’t boring – and you are good at it too. It doesn’t hurt to give in once in a while.

While examining this want, you may realize that when it comes to compromise, you aren’t an A+ student. Many men tend to give in to our wants – not only to make us happy, but to feel closer – and then they become resentful when we refuse to reciprocate. Don’t let the resentment build and find that years later you are taking separate vacations – fill both of your lives with things each other enjoys to do.

Number three – men want an intellectual equal.

Yes, they enjoy the “big, strong man” routine too; but bottom line, smart is sexy. Men want to be able to have stimulating conversations with the woman they love – not just meaningless talk that gets you through the day.

Taking time to talk over a bottle of wine when the kids are asleep – about politics, current events, philosophy, you name it – makes your relationship stronger, encourages your husband to be your fan forever.

When you remove the relationship piece of the puzzle, you can see that you learn so much about the world, other people and yourself when you have a meaningful conversation. The act of conversing drives us to learn more, form our beliefs and sometimes, change our minds. Without it, we aren’t saying much, are we?

Having these chats with your love not only keeps your opinions of each other high, but it adds a challenge to the relationship. He will want to think about what you are saying and add to it – which means he can’t be dumb either. It brings you back to being young and in love – and interested in what each other has to say.

Number four – show them your sexy side once in a while.

You don’t have to wear heels and hand over his favorite cocktail when he walks through the door every day, but dressing yourself up once in a while really rekindles the passion – even the lust – that your man felt the first time he laid eyes on you.

Make plans at least once a month to have a nice dinner at home or at your favorite restaurant, sans kids, and pull out one of your sexy numbers. That won’t be the chocolate mousse he’s drooling over all night – he’s just showing that he is grateful and happy you are his wife.

Oh, and ladies, you’ll get a rush off his less than subtle way of undressing you with his eyes too. Doesn’t it feel good to be appreciated? Yes!

Number five – men want a true partner, not a roommate.

Saying goodbye in the morning and not saying much else throughout the day is a sure sign that your relationship is declining. The drive and desire a couple has for one another is key in having a healthy, happy relationship.

Sometimes relationships go a while without reconnecting with each other – doing this too long is pure poison. If you become disconnected, then the “we’re in this together” feeling subsides over time. Then, years later, you find that you have a roommate and not a life partner.

So, be present in your relationship now to avoid this from happening in the future. Just as you need support and encouragement, so does he. Be his cheerleader, his confidant and his lover. He needs you to lift his spirits when he is down, be understanding when he is at a fork in the road and say cheers when he succeeds. We all need that in our lives.

Take time to learn about what is going on in his life, and then follow up periodically to show him you care. After time, he will love your caring nature and grow to be the same sort of companion too. It’s a win win situation for both of you, and your relationship will bloom.

Number six – he wants an independent woman who doesn’t need him.

Whether you are a vice president of a corporation or a stay at home mom – regardless of your situation - your man doesn’t want another dependent. He wants a woman who can take care of herself, and want him at the same time.

This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you to ask for his help; but he wants to know that you can take care of things without him holding your hand every step of the way.

And if you think about it, women are very self-sufficient. We know how to tackle home repair, child rearing, cooking, cleaning, running a professional life and making time for the ones we love. We don’t need a man to run our lives. We want him, and that’s what he wants too.

Don’t make the mistake of saying over and over to your man that you don’t need him – that isn’t the point. But show him, and yourself, that you can take care of business. Being your own woman is sexy to him, and it makes him feel special too. He knows that you don’t need a man to be complete, but he sure does like the fact that you chose him to be your partner, when, basically, you could have had anyone you wanted.

Number seven – without trust, there is nothing.

Hiding purchases you wish to keep secret, not telling him whole truths about your past and going behind his back when he says no to your children is not the way you build trust in a relationship. Without trust, suspicion is in the driver’s seat.

Being honest is the only way to breed trust. Sometimes it may be painful, but it is a best practice – always! There are ways to get around spending a little too much at the department store (we have those cute little puppy dog eyes too) or disagreeing on your children’s activities. Making these decisions together and being honest about how you feel can only improve your relationship.

Bottom line, put yourself in his place – if he held something from you, wouldn’t you feel wronged? Combat those feelings by placing trust as a number one priority.

Number eight – he wants to see your nurturing side.

There is something about a mother – to see a woman take a nurturing role in her life is sexy, romantic and sheer pleasure in the eyes of a man. They love to see you hold your precious children, kiss the tops of their heads and have fun flying kites or wrestling with them. It brings you back to that place of innocence and makes you feel untouchable all over again. He sees this in your eyes and admires you for it.

So, whether you already have children, or it is in the forecast, give him that gift – he wants you to love what you two have created together, and take full advantage of the time you have with these wonderful beings.

Number nine – your friendship means the world to him.

You see these couples who stroll hand in hand down the street talking and laughing – and it makes you yearn for a true friend in your own companion.

More than likely, you two became a couple first based on friendship; so why let that fall behind? Be friends first, and the rest will follow.

Think about it – you spend more time with your spouse than anyone else in life. Isn’t it crazy that we run to others for a friendship, and leave our soul mate standing alone? Bring back that friendship feeling – tell jokes, take walks, laugh with each other, play your favorite games together, try new things as a couple and act as each other’s confidant. Both of you need to have a friend in one another in order to be happy in your relationship.

Number ten – he wants an angel in the living room and a devil in the bedroom.

Hot sex. Sex that is steamy, exciting, fun and erotic – that’s what every man (and woman) wants.

Be his vixen, his starlet, his pupil, his teacher. Try new things, old things crazy, kinky things that only you two can share together. Keep the bedroom hot and steamy, and his eyes won’t go wandering about, but stay focused on you all the while.

Yes, over the years things start falling south – we can never have 21 back again – but that doesn’t mean that your man doesn’t still ache for you as he did when you first became lovers. He does want you, and want you bad. But, it is so hard for women to come to grips with their bodies as they age.

Get over it! Our bodies are glorious temples like no other object in this world. We are curvy (the curvier the better in many men’s eyes), soft, sweet smelling creations who can give and receive so much pleasure. Stretch marks are just the highway of our life’s journey – not something to be criticized every time we look in the mirror. Glossing over what we think are our imperfections and actually accepting our bodies is the sexiest thing a woman can do. Own it, ladies! You are a goddess, and your man just wants a taste, a glimmer, a sampling of our power. He wants you, and no one else.

Keep it hot, steam it up and you both will come back wanting more time and time again.

These are the basic wants and desires your man aches for from you and no one else. As you can see, they are many of your own wants and desires too – so do both of you a favor, and put these simple dreams in motion. Doing this for your man and for your relationship makes for a stronger partnership, and he’ll start picking up on these changes and make a few of his own. We only have one life to live, so why not give it all you’ve got!

"Conversational Magic for Seduction & Influence"

Conversational Magic for Seduction & Influence

All this month I have shared with you information on improving yourself and your life for the New Year. I started by sharing with you my “10-Point Must” list regarding relationships, the “4&4 As Your Core” exercise, and I even gave you my “Double Triangle.” If you have applied the information thus far you should have a pretty good start on building a better YOU for this year. And since Valentine’s Day is less than a month away, I want to give you THE ideal item for any and all romantic relationships: Conversational Magic!

No matter if you are trying to use conversation to get a sexy new person interested in knowing you further, needing some quality skills for talking to someone of influence, or if you simply want to have richer more deep conversations with friends. We all know that the number one complaint in relationships seems to be either bad communication or “we hardly talk anymore.”



What if you were able to indulge in conversations that were a verbal adventure of the mind so stimulating that it lingers in your thoughts for hours…maybe even days? The kind of conversation where the moment it begins you find yourself drawn to the words and it is as if everything else around us just starts to melt away? Those kinds of conversations that last for hours as if it had a life of its own and having no regret as you realize that the night has flowed into morning. Would you be interested in learning how to have conversations like that?

I have a confession to make; I just used some conversational magic. From the “So what if…” onward, I intentionally tried to take you on a mental journey with my words. And if you found your mind drifting, imagining, then you have a taste of what the affect is when you use conversational magic.We all know that magic is not real; it is just a clever illusion. It is a deliberate attempt to move your senses in a certain direction. Would you also agree that some of the best conversations you have had can be described the same way? Have you, like me, enjoyed those conversations where your mind created images and scenes of what the person was talking about? And maybe now as you look back on those conversations you begin to get an “Oh, I get it now” feeling for a conversation that was incredible but you could not put your finger on exactly why. Well get ready my friend, you are about to learn how to give other people that same kind of enjoyable feeling in the conversations you have with them!

There is a popular rapport technique used in self-help seminars called “matching and mirroring.” This is when you casually mimic the other person’s body language. So for example if they are sitting with their left leg crossed over their right, the mirror of that would be to sit with your right leg crossed over your left. If they rub their left leg with their left hand, you rub your right leg with your right hand. Get it? Personally, I find it quite effective. But you have to do it right, or you end up looking like a damn parrot and it will be very obvious and possibly quite creepy! The way I do it is to do what I call “similaring.” I do something similar with my body language as they are doing with theirs. For example if they rub their left leg with their left hand, I might tap my right leg with my right palm. If they have their head tilted to their left, I might tilt my head to the right as I finish a sentence and then bring my head back to where it was.

You will know when you have successfully built solid rapport from doing this when you move your body and they do the same or similar movement. Cool, huh? Some people have felt that this is “sneaky” and “deceptive.” Personally I think it is a compliment since I am taking steps to have a good rapport with them instead of not giving a shit. But you can make up your own mind on how you feel about it. Now while the “similaring” is going on, you want to engage the other person in conversation by asking questions a certain way. I have a natural curiosity about people, have been that way since I was 5 and wondered what made people do what they do. So for years I have asked the question, “What is it about X that makes you feel the most Y?” So for example if a woman mentions to me that she is a receptionist at a loan office, I would ask, “So tell me, what it is about your job that you find the most fulfilling?” By asking such a question and asking it that way, she can not help but share a glimpse of what fulfills her. It is non-intrusive, yet powerful in learning about the other person. Okay, so here is one for women to try. Guys can use it too, but I want to give the women a gender specific one so they do not feel left out.

Let us say that a guy mentions a love for playing tennis. The typical thing you ladies might say to him is, “I play tennis too” and maybe “We should play a set sometime.” But by conversing in this way you are not learning much about him. But by asking him, “So what it is about tennis that you find the most fulfilling?” you get to learn not only what fulfills him with tennis but it also gives you clues as to what else might be fulfilling to him. These are called “probing” questions, which leads to much more enjoyable conversations than “yes or no” questions can produce.

Another question you might ask is, “So if you could travel anywhere on the planet right now, where would your ideal dream vacation be?” Then the follow-up question would be, “So let me see (the location they named) through your eyes. Why there, and what would you want to do while you were there?” The location they name is not as important as why they picked there and what they said they would do there, because it again gives you insight and clues into whom they are and what they like.

Having that kind of information is invaluable because it gives you ideas for directions to go in the conversation instead of trying to think of something to say. But most importantly, when you ask these kind of questions that reveal things about their likes and personality, they will reply using what I call their “power words.” These are words they like to use like “Spectacular” or “Fascinating” or “Challenging” just to name a few. And by knowing their power words, you can start to literally speak their language! So if they said, “I think it would be a nice and glamorous place to vacation” you now have their power word of “glamorous” to use later when it would logically fit in something you say. Do you follow me?

The final piece for Conversational Magic is to use very sensory rich descriptions in your conversations. That means using words that describe things in a way that causes the other person to see images of what you are talking about. Remember near the beginning of this article I spoke of a conversation with someone that “makes everything else around us just start to melt away.” In order for your mind to comprehend what you were reading that first time, you had to feel what it described. So “melting away” was the sensory rich part of the description. And after that I spoke of a conversation that “takes on a life of its own” and, “you realize that the night has flowed into morning.” The sensory rich wording being “a life of its own” and “flowing” as you may have already spotted. This is nothing that I invented of course, poets have used this technique for centuries to melt the hearts of maidens and maidens have used it to calm the beast in knights.

After you learn several of the other person’s power words, you can add them to your conversation as well as starting to use sensory rich descriptions in your sentences. Can you see how this method of conversation can not only make you someone people love talking to, it would also be nice to teach your boyfriend/girlfriend so you can feel the magic of it also. Above all else, for this to work you need to have a genuine interest in conversing with the other person. By having that genuine interest, your tone of voice will enhance this powerful set of tools.

"The 5 Reasons Women Reject Men"

The 5 Reasons Women Reject Men

Tell me if this sounds at all familiar to you, if you can relate to it.


A guy is out someplace like a club or bar or maybe a party and he notices an attractive woman he would like to approach. He gets himself psyched up to go talk to her, imaging how well the approach will be. Then as he takes those first steps towards her, something happens...his heart rate increases, his breathing changes, a tension in his gut starts to form, and his mind becomes filled with thoughts of rejection. He really wants to approach that woman but he ends up not doing it, he ends up just walking away. The discomfort and pressure had become too much for him and he wanted it to stop, knowing that walking away is what will make that happen.

As I reflect back, I recall being that guy many times. The level of energy I had in approaching a woman became the same level of nervous energy that ended up taking over. In a matter of seconds I would go from a level 10 energy high, to a level 10 energy freak-out! Walking away made the freak-out levels subside and that felt really good, so in a sense walking away felt like having accomplished something; "I have avoided potential disaster, yay me!"

What I find fascinating about those times is that it wasn't even the woman rejecting me, it was the fear of being rejected that was so painful. In a sense I was rejecting myself for her. And what I eventually came to realize is that women never actually reject you. In my entire life I have never once approached a woman and she said, "Eww, are you kidding me? Do you even own a mirror and know how unattractive you are? I would never go out with you, you loser!" There may exist a guy who has been told something like that by a woman, but I have yet to meet any such person. Instead, I had heard things like, "I have a boyfriend" "I'm here with someone" "I'm not looking to date anyone right now" "No, but thank you" or they had just ignored me or walked away. I don't know about you, but when women would do or say any of these things I was not devastated for the rest of the night, the people nearby did not point and laugh at me, and it never once felt anywhere near as painful as I thought it might. I might get bummed about it for a few minutes and maybe imagine in my mind some clever thing to say to the woman so I felt better, but then it was gone and I was fine.

It took some growing up, but I came to realize that a woman saying things like "No" or "I have a boyfriend" or her responding in a way different than what I wanted her to, is not rejection. Sure it's disappointing not to get the result that you want, but not getting a result does not mean you were rejected.

When I get asked by guys how to deal with "rejection," my answer to them is, "Stop looking at it as being rejected. The better question to want an answer to is how to deal with your fear of rejection."

But before I get into that, let's take a look at what possible reasons a woman would have for doing or saying the things that guys see as "rejection." I've noticed similarities in what guys typically do that causes those "I have a boyfriend" or "No, but thank you" moments, and boy do I recognize how I used to be the same way!

Things like:

* Nervous Body Language

Most guys are incredibly unaware of their own body language, but you can trust that women are very aware of his body language the entire time he's there. When a guy approaches a woman, there is always that initial moment of eye contact. Where most guys screw it up is they quickly look away or look at other places on her face like her mouth or nose, only briefly making eye contact again. Some guys think they are being cool by not giving her much eye contact, but they fail to realize that since he approached her this will almost always come off to her as the guy being nervous.

Another aspect of nervous behavior guys are unaware of is he is fidgeting or gesturing a little erratically and he is in his head thinking of what to say, or how to respond, or as he is listening to her talk. Some of the guys I have consulted were completely unaware they were doing this fidgeting/erratic gesturing when I pointed it out to them, it was completely outside of their own awareness. The speed of your movements telegraphs your relaxation and comfort levels, despite what comes out of your mouth! Another strong sign of nervousness that women can immediately pick up, is when a guy's voice raises higher at moments while talking to her. His voice may only do it a few times, but that is all it takes to let her know you are nervous around her. So no matter if a guy is doing any or all of these things, it seriously weakens a woman's potential interest in you on any romantic level.

* Clueless of Bad Timing

I was at one of the clubs I enjoy and I witnessed a display that I not only can relate to once upon a time, I also see a lot of other guys doing it.
There were three women sitting down, one was upset about something and the other two were listening/consoling her. A guy walked up and said to the upset one, "Hey, what's wrong? A pretty lady like you should be having a good time, so let me buy you a drink." The upset woman politely replied, "No thank you." The guy persisted and said, "Come on, have a drink with me. I'll buy us all a round." The upset woman said, "No, really, we're fine. But I would like to talk to my friends in private." The guy said, "Whatever, your loss."

This guy may have genuinely wanted to make the upset woman feel better initially, but he was clueless to the fact that since one of the women was upset it was not a good situation in which to make a first approach. Even worse, he took the situation personally, as evidenced by his "your loss" remark.

Another time, at a different club, there were two women waiting in line for the ladies room and I saw a guy approach them. He stopped right next to them and asked them if they were having a good time. One replied, "A good time waiting to get into the ladies room?" and then she and her friend laughed. The guy continued to stand there, and asked them, "So are you locales, or visiting from someplace." They ignored him and just continued talking to each other. He persisted and offered, "If you're not here with anyone, I have a VIP table you can come party at." They said, "Ok, maybe" then promptly ignored the guy and continued with their conversation. The guy then proceeds to tell them how to find the VIP table he was at, and then he left.
This guy is a dumbass! Guys who try to pick up women as they're waiting in line to use the bathroom are about as pathetic as a lawyer slipping his card into a pocket of an accident victim as the person is being loaded into an ambulance. Women do not like to be approached in the bathroom line, it's creepy to them.

* Comfort Bubble Violations

In an attempt to come off as cool or relaxed, some guys will violate a woman's "comfort bubble" within seconds by touching her or putting their arm around her as they say, "Oh you are so adorable." While there is a way to do that without making her uncomfortable, it becomes extremely difficult if the guy has already approached displaying nervous behavior, mainly because it now will come off as clingy or approval seeking behavior to be touching her.
It translates to the woman as if you had said, "I feel I have no shot with you therefore I want to at least say I got to touch you." Another bad comfort bubble violation is to physically touch her in some way whenever you laugh at something she has said. While such behavior might be fine later, after you've spent about an hour talking and building some solid rapport, but even then you should limit how often you do it.

* Being Too Agreeable

I used to be so guilty of this one, many, many, times. You want to make a good impression and influence her into going out with you, so you agree with her on things even if they are not how you really feel. A guy wants to show her they have things in common, but he ends up becoming too agreeable and it damages the attraction. This is not limited to actually saying agreeable things either, it can also include frequently nodding your head in agreement. Many experts have stated that nodding as she is talking demonstrates that you are paying attention to her and builds good rapport. I agree, and very much advocate demonstrating that you're paying attention, but frequent head nodding can actually come across to a woman as insecure!

* Lingering or Following Her Around

When most guys hear me say not to following a woman around, they assume I mean the behavior of staying on the heels of a woman wherever she walks, and they say, "Oh, I don't that." Following a woman around also applies to frequently "finding" her when she goes elsewhere in the club. For example: there was a guy who had been talking to a woman for a few minutes and then she excused herself to go powder her nose. (That by itself means nothing bad, so don't panic if it happens to you.) When she returned from the bathroom, she chose to mingle around the club instead of returning right away to where the guy and she had been talking. The guy found her and went to where she was. This turned her off because it seemed clingy and as if the guy had no one else to talk to. The woman was a friend of mine and said that she had actually been interested in the guy before he did that.
Lingering is another big problem for guys. I am not just talking about the kind of lingering where there are periods of silence and you still stay there. Yes, that is very bad, but there is another common kind of lingering that for some reason guys fail to notice they are doing. It is when there is steady conversation going on, but the woman is having most of that conversation with other people in her group. The guy adds his comments or opinion into the conversation, and since the woman or someone in her group might acknowledge or reply to something he has said he fails to notice that for the most part the woman is ignoring him. What seems to cause this the most is that the woman gets a feeling that the guy is trying too hard to fit in with her and the group. People get a feeling, a vibe if you will, when someone is just using comments or giving opinions to be part of the conversation, versus having a genuine interest or fascination with what is being discussed. And most times in these situations the guy has thrown in some bullshit to appear cool or "mysterious" but she sees right through it. By trying to be part of something in hopes of being accepted or to attract a woman, you actually sabotage these things from happening.


By now you should have an understanding that why most guys get "rejected" is because they are doing and behaving in ways that cause it to happen.
Now that I've covered some of the more common reasons why guys get "rejected" it's time to get into overcoming your "fear of rejection." Taking care of that will help you avoid doing the things I have just mentioned, as you will see once you apply the information. One thing that I realized was helping me overcome my fear of rejection was to imagine having success, not failure, with the woman I was about to approach. I know that sounds too simple, and yes I did have to do it over and over many times before I could actually approach a woman without fear, but it worked. Through doing that I found women were almost always very receptive, and it led to better and better results for me.

One part to help you imagine having success with the women you approach, is to understand that just as you have fear of rejection, women have a similar kind of fear of rejection. You might have thought that beautiful women never worry about being rejected, that is actually not the case. They get nervous about looking like a dork or sounding stupid, they feel those awkward silences in conversation just like guys do, and they really do want to be able to impress a guy that has their attention.
I used to think that when a beautiful woman would say, "Sorry, that sounded so dumb, huh?" about something she had just said, she was just trying to get compliments. I have come to learn however that often the woman really is concerned that she sounds dumb! In regard to this a striking looking friend of mine said, "If I say something like that, I obviously care about what his opinion is of me or I wouldn't have said it." Hmm, very good point don't you think?
You might have heard a woman you were talking to at a bar or club say, "My friends dragged me here" or "My girlfriend made me go out tonight." While that might be the case, often a woman says that to convey a certain perception she wants you to have about her. Some women are concerned that they will make a bad impression and be seen as some crazy party girl or promiscuous. She might love going to clubs or other very social locations, but she wants you to subtly know that such locations are not always required for her to spend time with you. Women communicate differently than guys, and this is just one example of that.
And one of the biggest realizations that I have had about attractive women is, the more beautiful they are the more insecure they are about how they are perceived. A stunning looking woman will often feel much more pain and embarassment from spilling a drink on herself than an average looking woman will. When a woman is blessed with stunning features, it doesn't also come with a stunning personality, so they need to develop one. And while it is widely believed that stunning looking women just rely on their looks, otherwise known as "gold diggers," even those type of stunning women are still concerned about rejection and want to impress the guy. I used to know one such "gold digger" who would frequently complain that the guy she was dating seemed like he was losing interest in her. He had not stopped buying her pretty much whatever she asked for, so that wasn't the source of her concern. He didn't start calling less frequently, so that wasn't what caused her concern either. They would have regularly and passionate sex as well, so that also was not what started her concern. Her concern was based on the fact that when she would tell him about something funny that happened that day, or share some really cool information she learned, he would not sound very interested in it to her. In short, she thought she was boring him. Really look at that for a moment. She was getting whatever she wanted him to buy her, he was giving her the same amount of time he always had, and the sex
remained at the same level and frequency. The only thing that had changed was her perception of what his opinion was of her. So you see, even a "gold digger" worries about a guy's rejection. That being the case, it should help ease your tention at least a little the next time you spot an attractive woman you want to approach.

I'm not done yet though. That was just information letting you know that women worry about rejection too, but it doesn't exactly help you overcome your own fear of rejection.

Here are a few ideas for accomplishing that:

1. Observing and Approaching as You're Going Through Your Day

This is a nice step in your efforts to overcome your fear of rejection. When you're sitting at a place like a Starbucks, or enjoying lunch someplace, or inside a bookstore or at the mall, try to notice when guys are approaching women. You don't have to hear what is being said, you just need to pay attention to their body language. Pay attention to how he is standing and gesturing as he talks to her. Pay attention to what she does with her body and her eyes contact with him. After doing this just once you will notice something very interesting. Even though you don't know the guy nor the woman, you will still be able to notice by their body language if either one seems nervous or if they seem to be connecting. Chances are you can recall having seen some stranger and even though they didn't say a word you still got the feeling they were nervous or angry or upset, right? Being able to "read" someone's emotions through their body language is a skill we all have, every single one of us. Unfortunately most guys don't think to use that natural skill when talking to women, both to be aware of her body language as well as being aware of what his own body language is saying to her. So imagine the powerful information you will collect by observing just a handful of these interactions. You will notice the similarities in body language in the people that were nervous, versus the people who seemed confident. And by notcing these similarities, you can begin to spot in yourself when you're displaying nervous body language and not only know to correct it, but also know what to correct it to so as make yourself appear more confident! The great thing about this is, as you correct your body language to one more confident it literally causes you to feel more confident!

Connected to this is my suggestion that you get in the habit of meeting and talking to women as you go about your usual day. So often guys set themselves up for failure because they make plans to go out and meet women, instead of just interacting with women wherever you happen to be. That's putting more pressure on yourself than you should, and will take you far longer to overcome your fear of rejection in my opinion. After all, you're at the electronics store to buy a flash drive, not pick up women, so there's nothing to fail at if the woman you end up talking to "rejects" you. Doing it this way also gets you in the habit of approaching women, which is much easier to accomplish than just doing it at the club. So you can actually handle two major "problems" at the same time; you will be learning how to have better body language skills, and you can apply it as you apporach women.

One of the other benefits of observing guys approaching women, is you get to see that even when the guy gets "rejected" it really ends pleasantly most of the time. Unless the guy is a douche and calls the woman a foul name or gets physically abusive with her, it typically just ends with one or both them giving a "it was nice meeting you" type of goodbye. Seeing that will help you in eliminating those horrible outcomes you might imagine happening to you.

2. Plan Ahead

When it comes to interacting with women, most guys fail to have two important things planned ahead:

A. What a guy will say when he approaches a woman

Guys want to know how to approach a woman, yet they never practice it in advance. So when the moment comes they are nervous, making their ability to think of what to say at that moment becomes even more difficult. I am not talking about having a "canned" rountine or "pick-up" line ready, I am talking about having a couple of basic things that you can use in pretty much any situation. Once you have a couple of ideas of what you could say, you need to practice saying it before you go out. It doesn't have to be something you practice out loud, you can just do it in your head. It will take you less a minute, and it will help you have it ready when the time comes to approach her.

B. What he will say and do if she "rejects" him.

When the woman says, "I have a boyfriend" or "No, but thank you" most guys react in the wrong way. Some guys will slump their shoulders and walk away with a body language that displays defeat. Some guys will make some kind of "saving face" remark. Some guys will throw her an insult. And some guys will persist but in the wrong way. Personally, when a woman used to tell me she had a boyfriend I would reply, "Cool, bring him along, I'd love to meet him." These days I am so fascinated with how people meet and fall in love I'll ask her how they met and what it was about him that attracted her.

These are things that I had practiced, just in case I needed to use them. You need to think of how you can calmly react when faced with "I have a boyfriend" or "No, thanks" and then mentally rehearse it before going out. By being prepared for the "rejection" you already fear will happen, you will get through it more easily and in a very short time you will come to have less fear of it happening.

3. Journal It

One of the best tools I used, for overcoming my fear of rejection, was writing the experiences in a journal. I would write a brief account of what I said when I approached, how she responded/reacted, anything I felt was important about the encounter, and what she said that either made me feel rejected or ended the encounter. Then I would go over it and do a kind of "what if" thing where I wrote down what I might have said that could have been better, or what I now remember that had I caught it at the time I could have used. Initially I did this to help me come up with better ways of approaching women and getting them to talk to me longer, which is it did help in a big way. However something interesting also happened when I looked over a handful of these journal entries; I noticed a pattern of my behavior that I had not been aware of. So using other skills I had developed, I was able to correct it and greatly improve my experiences with women.

It took me a long time to get these things figured out, and to realize that just because a woman would talk to me did not mean she was attracted to me.
The years of time and effort it took me to spark attraction in women on a regular basis was very painful, but ultimately worth the journey. I used to think it was just "luck" that some guys were able to get really attractive women, but I now know it has nothing to do with luck at all. Once I had a system for attracting women on a regular basis, I had to figure out how to explain what I knew in a way that any guy could use to get the same results. The time and effort to accomplish that was also painful, but ultimately also worth the journey. I invite you to take advantage of that time and effort by checking out my Fire of Seduction program. In this program I break down the process of making women feel attraction for you into easy, step-by-step exercises and techniques that any guy can start using immediately. I provide some of my word-for-word seductions so you know exactly what to say and how to progress things from "first approach" all the way to "getting physical."
If you want a more introductory understanding of the concepts, and want to work on your self esteem and confidence areas first, download my Unleashing The Phoenix program. It covers the mindset and techniques you need to understand to start being successful with women and being successful in other areas of your life that you may need.

Be well, my friend, and Live Unleashed!

"Reasons Why relationships Fail"

Why Most Relationships Fail

As I spent incredible amounts of time and effort learning how average guys can attract incredible looking woman, I also began learning some interesting things about people in relationships. I learned some incredibly common “mistakes” almost all of us make, and I learned what 4 things seem to be the key to having satisfying and lasting relationships.

I want to make it absolutely clear that I am in no way implying that I am a relationship expert. The following is simply interesting information on what I have found to be the difference between satisfying and lasting relationships, and why most relationships fail.

It is an opinion only and should not be taken as advice.

As you may already know, it turns out that a very large number of people get into a relationship to avoid being alone. Loneliness can be a very powerful thing, causing people to commit to someone they look back on later and wonder “What was I thinking?”

Have you ever said one or more of the following about a break-up?:

• “We just grew apart.”
• “He/She cheated on me.”
• “She became a real bitch/nag!”
• “He became a real asshole/jerk!”
• “It got physically/mentally/emotionally abusive.”
• “They were too controlling.”
• “I got into the relationship too soon.”
• “He/She became too jealous/suspicious/insecure.”
• “They were not/stopped being the person I thought they were.”
• “They said they were not in love with me anymore.”

I was no different; I have said some of this myself. I was also one of those people who tried to appear responsible and would say, “I was just as much to blame for the break-up as she was” but I usually still felt the woman was more to blame than I was.

Something very interesting began to happen however, as I worked on myself and my life; I began to realize why most relationships either fail or cease being satisfying.

The short answer is: People seek happiness through another and want it to result in happiness within themselves, when it should be the other way around!

Can you remember a relationship, maybe a current one, where you became drawn to someone because they made you feel special, or saw you like no one else had? I sure can!

I remember attaching so much importance to their opinion of me, their approval, even though at the time I would deny such a thing. I would justify it by saying, “They see the real me” but the truth is that they made me feel like the person I wanted to be not who I truly was. I thought their belief in me would motivate me to become that person. Again, I would have denied that at the time. The truth is that I had become attached to being seen as someone great by her, because I did not feel great about myself on my own. You might feel you do not relate to this, which maybe you don’t. Take a very serious and brutally honest look at your last/current relationship and if nothing in it sounds like what I just shared with you, congrats on having avoided a trap that millions of people have fallen into.

If you look to someone else to show you your beauty, or your worth, then you are making them the authority on who you are, no matter how much you may try to deny it. As such, you become dependant on them to approve of you, you do things to keep their approval or to get more of their approval, and you truly begin to feel that no one else “gets you” like they do. You make excuses for why you stay in such a relationship, like:

• “No one is perfect, so I accept them; flaws and all.”
• “Couples argue; that’s normal.”
• “They were betrayed by someone and I’m not going to be yet another person who betrays them by leaving them.”
• “Relationships take work; if you love someone you don’t bail at the first sign of trouble.”
• “He/She has seen me at my worst and is still with me, so I know they love me.”
• “He/She would be great, if they just fixed this ONE thing.”

I have a friend who was living with her parents, but it just wasn’t a very happy situation for her. She had started seeing a guy and things became intimate, so she moved in with him. She felt she had finally become free, had become more of an adult. Things were good at first; she was starting to feel happy. But eventually she realized that she was still not free; she was still living under someone else’s roof and ultimately living by someone else’s rules. They fought, made up, fought, made up, etc. When we would talk about her relationship, she gave almost ALL of these above excuses for why she kept going back to him. What I found most interesting was the polar opposite statements she would make about the relationship. When things were going okay, she would say things like, “I’ve never been happier” and “He is so amazing.” When things were not okay, she would say things like, “I think I got with him more out of pity than out of love!” and “He is so controlling!” She remained in that relationship for almost a year, and when it was over for good she admitted that a large part of why she had stayed was because she would have had to move back in with her parents and admit that she had “failed” and also because, as she put it, “I’ve been shit on almost my entire life, so I thought being treated like he treated me was what I deserved. I actually thought it was normal!”

I have another friend who did the “moving in with the lover” thing. She did find the strength to move into her own place after their second “break-up” but she still went back to the guy and made the same excuses as my other friend. He was a heavy drinker, and many of their “battles” happened when he was drunk. Since he would not stop his heavy drinking, she would be more careful not to do or say the things she knew would set him off when he was drunk. In her mind she felt that the relationship would be great if he just stopped drinking as much. Not surprisingly, the relationship eventually failed.

You can change “heavy drinking” to almost anything else, and chances are we can all relate to this last story, or at least know multiple people who can relate to it.

So what is going on here?

Part of what is going on here is what is called:

Commitment and Consistency

When we are first faced with having to make a choice or decision, we are tentative and uncertain. Once we’ve made the choice or decision however, we convince ourselves that we made the right one; we commit to it and then have to behave in ways consistent with why it was the right one to make. We as humans have a near obsessive desire to be and appear consistent with what we have already committed to, and will endure internal as well as external pressures to behave consistent with our choice/decision. It is as if we knowingly fool ourselves from time to time to keep our thoughts and beliefs consistent with what we have done. In his book “Influence” Robert Cialdini tells the story of his neighbor, Sara, and her live-in boyfriend, Tim. Sara wanted Tim to stop drinking so much and she also wanted Tim to marry her. Tim resisted doing either and they eventually split up. Sara soon got involved with an old boyfriend and they eventually had set a wedding date and issued invitations. Then one day Tim called Sara, said he had repented and wanted to get back together with her. She told him of her marriage plans, Tim begged her to change her mind. Sara refused, saying she did not want to live like they had before. Tim offered to marry her, but Sara said she preferred the other boyfriend more. Finally, Tim promised he would stop drinking if she would come back to him. Under those conditions, Sara broke off the engagement, cancelled the wedding, retracted the invitations, and let Tim move back in with her. Within a month however, Tim said he didn’t feel he needed to quit drinking; a month after that he said they should “wait and see” before getting married. Two years passed, Sara and Tim were still living together exactly as before. He still drank, there were still no wedding plans, yet Sara stayed with Tim. She stayed even though the conditions for why she chose Tim again had never been fulfilled.

When I first read that story, I was puzzled why Sara was still with Tim two years later, since he failed to honor the promises that made her get back together with him.

Years after I read that story, I got my answer after I met a woman named Jennifer who’s relationship was remarkably like Sara’s;

1. Both had ended relationships because the boyfriend resisted changing a couple of things important to the women.
2. Both got back with previous boyfriends.
3. Both were enticed back to the other boyfriend because he promised to change the things that made her leave.
4. Both stayed with the boyfriend even though he was not changing what he promised to change.

And after a few conversations with Jennifer, it finally made sense to me why Sara had gotten back with Tim and stayed with him even two years after he failed to honor the promises that convinced her to get back together. It is something that I call:

“Hoping In Time”

One of the most common reasons people remain in relationships that do not fulfill them is; hope that the other person will improve/change if given enough time and effort.

Time to “trust again.”

Time to “see that I’m not going to abandon them.”

And the biggie: Time to “become the person I sense they can be.”

On the surface it looks like we are being noble and being selfless and showing love by behaving this way. But it appears to me to actually be a very selfish and dare I say arrogant behavior to have; not to mention rooted in insecurity. We want them to change, so we will be happy, which is the very definition of selfish and arrogant behavior. And the fact that we need someone else to make us happy is the very definition of insecurity; we feel we can’t get there alone.

If not you, then someone you know has spent months or perhaps even years with someone who they are never fully happy with in the relationship.

As I reflect back on some of my own relationships, I painfully recall having fallen into that trap a couple of times!

In many ways, we are not responsible for behaving this way. Society and the teaching of our authority figures has ingrained in us that if we give up on a task without completing it to our satisfaction, we have failed. We are taught that “life is tough, and quitters never win.” Who in their right mind would want to keep failing? Who in their right mind would want to feel like a quitter? I certainly wouldn’t, and I’m guessing that you don’t either. So when we begin the “task” of a relationship we combine that commitment and consistency that I mentioned a moment ago, along with being taught that you’re a quitter and a failure if it doesn’t work out, and so we engage in that “Hoping In Time” behavior and our personal happiness be damned.

As you let that information sink in, notice how it makes so much more sense now why we place the majority (or all) of the blame on the other person for what went wrong in the relationship. You didn’t fail, they failed. You didn’t screw it up, they screwed it up. You might have been partly responsible, but THEY were worse.

It’s interesting that the thing we fight to get closer to (the relationship) we expend even more energy distancing ourselves from it when it “fails.”

We want so much for things to work out, we want to know that the time and effort and devotion we gave was worth it. But in the face of realizing things will never be what we want in the relationship, we go into self-preservation mode by believing that we did our best and the other person just didn’t appreciate it.

Which brings up another common thing in relationships!

One thing that is an “elusive obvious” in relationships, is also one of the hardest things for many people to admit. That being:

IN A RELATIONSHIP, ONE PERSON IS ALMOST ALWAYS MORE IN LOVE THAN THE OTHER PERSON IS.

Ideally we want our partner to feel just as much love for us as we do for them. In the beginning, most of us get to experience that. But the very same time we give toward hoping the other person becomes who will truly deeply satisfy us long term, is the same time that often causes one partner to feel less in love. This is not to say the other person is falling OUT of love, just that they have grown “comfortable” with the relationship, less challenged, and as a result less motivated to expend the same amount of energy as they used to. We all sense it when it happens, but we either dismiss it as paranoia or insecurity, or we use it as motivation to do even more for the other person; hoping they will “catch up” in a manner of speaking. But the hard truth is, once the “magic” starts to lose it’s glitter I have yet to find a case where it ever gets close to that place again. Most of us “settle” on the closest we can get to finding that “magic” again, since we did invest all that time and effort already and don’t want to feel like we did it in vain.

Go to any place where there are a lot of people, like at restaurants, bars, or clubs, and pay attention to the couples that are there. You will ALWAYS find that the majority of couples has one who is showing more affection, one is pulling away from the kiss sooner almost every time, giving less passion or affection in the kiss or hug, being less touchy-feely. One could try and argue that this could simply be a case of some people being uncomfortable with frequent public displays of affection. I could accept that, if not for the fact that the majority of these “not affectionate in public” people were much more publicly affectionate in the beginning of the relationship. Plus, you have to wonder why if someone is not into public displays of affection, why is their partner still being so publicly affectionate? Would they not have already had the discussion of one not being into such displays, so the partner out of respect for their lover’s comfort would be less publicly affectionate?

If you said “because opposites attract” then let’s get into that area, shall we?

Opposites Attract: Another Angle

There is the old saying that “opposites attract.” I do agree with that, but there is a certain kind of “opposite” that I have found to be much more beneficial to your life and to the relationship. The typical person is attracted to “opposites” who have personality traits that they wish they had. However, the “opposites” that seem to have the most fulfilling relationships together, are the ones who are “opposite” in their approach or habit of a productive goal.

For example:

TYPICAL “OPPOSITE”

Jim is a “calls it like he sees it” kind of guy, so he is very blunt and doesn’t care if you’re offended. Kim is an “express things in a positive light if possible” kind of girl, so she is very careful not to offend people and remain encouraging.

In most cases, the “Jim” in relationships does have moments where he will show the “Kim” a “tender” side, so she holds onto hope that she can be an influence on him being that way more and more often. The “Kim” in relationships admires that “Jim” can be so confident and bold, and hopes that by being with him it will help her hone her own ability to be that way, hoping to balance it with her more diplomatic demeanor. The problem however is that there is no equality in such a relationship; dominants that get into relationships with people of a submissive type, do so because they want to remain the dominant. “Jim” may promise to “Kim” that he will work on being less abrasive and more diplomatic, but a dominant personality will always resist such a thing, and either give excuses for not doing it and persist until “Kim” either gives up trying or leaves the relationship. Sure, if “Kim” leaves, “Jim” will exert some “tenderness” to get her back, but he will be doing it mostly to have a sense of “winning” than a sense of “realizing what I almost lost” and in a very short time he will be back to his “old ways.”

If this does not sound like any of your relationships, then you at least know a few people that this sounds very much like. And keep in mind that the gender can be different; there are plenty of female “Jim” with male “Kim” relationships, it’s not always the man who is the dominant, my friend.

PRODUCTIVE “OPPOSITE”

Jim is a “calls it like he sees it” kind of guy, so he is very blunt but has the social skills to know the difference between playfully teasing someone and flat out offending them. Kim is an “express things in a positive light if possible” kind of girl, so while she would most often be very encouraging, she will be honest even if what she says may not be completely positive.

This “Jim” and “Kim” are opposites, but who they are enhances each other. “Jim” is more the dominant one, but notice based on his social skills he does not cross over into being domineering. “Kim” is more the submissive but notice based on her social skills she is not a “rose colored glasses” type. They take different “roads” in how they present things, without contradicting each other. You get the impression that Jim would command a room with his knowledge and humor, while Kim would command a room with her “down to earth” quality that is not afraid to point out where someone needs to correct something.

While these are just examples, they represent real people that I have actually met; many different couples over many years. And the one thing consistent about all of them is; the latter “Jims” and “Kims” that I have met have all had long lasting and fulfilling relationships with each other, while the first “Jims” and “Kims” always had problems of one kind or another.

I realize that right now you may disagree with some or much of what I am sharing here. It may be because you want to think your relationship is different, or that YOU’RE different. That’s fine, I’m not here to force anything on you, I’m simply here to share information.

Since you’ve stayed with me up to this point, I invite you to come with me just a little bit farther. I want to share some information on how I have helped people improve the quality of their future relationships.

If you’re ready, please read on.

One of the biggest realizations I had in my personal growth was when I discovered that the people happiest in their relationships, are people who did four things FIRST:

1. Made their path and their purpose in life a priority.
2. Aligned their life to fit that path and purpose.
3. Had satisfaction with themselves and their life a single person.
4. Knew what they wanted in a partner and did not settle for less than that.

On the surface this sounds like selfish behavior, and for the most part it IS. You have to admit though that if you don’t commit to getting yourself together first, on getting yourself to a place where you are happy with yourself and your life as a single person first, and knowing what specifically you want in a relationship, you’re just going to bring insecurity and stress to a relationship. It is incredibly common to hope the relationship will change or improve that, but it is OUR OWN responsibility to make that happen BEFORE getting into a relationship. Otherwise you have two people, each bringing their personal insecurities and stress to a relationship, going from having bliss with each other to being pissed with each other.

By focusing on yourself FIRST, before committing to a relationship, getting yourself focused and productive with your purpose in life and integrating it into all the areas of their life, many powerful and positive things will happen.

For example, you will be able to more easily recognize someone who is also already on their path and satisfied with their life as a single person. So when you and they meet and fall in love, you bring “enhancement” to each other, instead of having to build a “tolerance” for bad habits, bad behaviors and insecurities that you hope will change in time.

You’ve probably heard “people like people who are like themselves.” That is very true!

What is interesting however is, you will notice that the people you feel are “like you” will begin to change. You will find yourself no longer attracted to the same kinds of people, you will find yourself more easily able to walk away from potentially bad encounters before they become unfulfilling relationships, you will find yourself attracting the kind of people you may have never thought you could; or maybe used to think you didn’t DESERVE!

It starts with YOU before it can continue with THEM.

One obstacle that is quite common in relationships is, not knowing what you really want.

That is why I want to give you something that I personally created, which will better ensure you have the kind of relationships that lasts. I call it “The 10-Point Must System” and I want to give it to you for FREE! It’s in one of my other articles, which you can get to by going HERE.

I have spent a very large amount of time and effort getting myself to where I can feel fulfilled and completely satisfied with my life. I spent a very large amount of additional time figuring out how to create a product that ANYONE can use to get the same results.

If you would like to take advantage of my time and effort, I invite you to check out my “Unleashing The Phoenix” program at new-alpha.com/products.htm

In this program I show you how to finally and easily clear away all that stuff that has been getting in your way; and how to build a personal life that brings you what you truly want. Do you have a habit or behavior that you have no idea why you do it that way or where it started? I discovered what that is all about, and show you how to fix it so it never happens again if you don’t want it to. If you want people to take you more seriously, I cover that! If you want to be powerfully more confident, I cover that too! Want to have a job or career that makes you financially secure, I cover how to do that as well! And of course I cover how to become the kind of person who is completely satisfied with your life, both as a single person and in the relationships you get into!

I realize I’m making a lot of claims, so I want to prove to you that I really have put together something that will work for you. To give you that proof, I invite you to read a sample chapter of “Unleashing The Phoenix.” Sometimes just a small change is all it takes, so what could be better than to get that small change from something you got for FREE!

To read the sample chapter, go here: SAMPLE CHAPTER

Once you decide that you believe I can help, I invite you to grab your copy of “Unleashing The Phoenix” by going HERE.

Thanks for coming with me on this little adventure, my friend!

Be well, and Live Unleashed!

Michael “Bishop” Emery

new-alpha.com