Is it OK to marry my friend's ex-lover?

Q. I have a good friend of eight years. She is married with a child. Her ex-boyfriend came to town. (They were engaged briefly.) He and I ended up hanging out all weekend and had a blast together. I informed my friend that I had feelings for him, figuring she would want me to be happy and it would not be a problem since she has moved on. Instead, she said I disrespected our friendship.

He and I are now dating seriously and talking about marriage. He is the love of my life. But I miss my friend dearly. I realize I made the decision and ultimately sacrificed my friendship with her because of him, but I still want to be friends with her. Should I try to reconnect with her or should I just say goodbye and realize she was not a true friend after all?

A. If it’s worth it to you, try reconnecting. But be prepared for it not to work.

People can be very territorial about past relationships, “laying claim” to a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially if they knew that person first.

In a middle-school setting, or even a high-school setting, there is sometimes an unwritten rule that if a girl has gone out with a boy, once they break up, he is off limits for any other girl in the class. This idea — that if he was once mine he is forever mine, and a friend won’t take what’s mine — is quite immature.

To be fair, most people know the awful feeling of breaking up and hoping that their former paramour doesn’t find somebody else. Or, if he does, they hope he secretly continues to pine for them. Only if someone feels guilty after having blown someone off is that person glad and relieved when their ex finds someone else!

Your friend might not be deliriously happy in her marriage. She might wonder, “What is wrong with me that I couldn’t make it work out? What does she have that I don’t have, that he likes better?”

Maybe this ex-boyfriend has a good quality her husband doesn’t have, like better looks or a better job, and this very positive quality keeps alive the fantasy that she can sort of “keep” him. In some ways, it feels to her that you have “taken” something from her.

She might also feel, “My friend can be happy as long as her happiness doesn’t detract from mine.” This is another immature feeling, but it’s common in not very intimate or evolved friendships. In other words, she is glad to be your friend, as long as nothing too good happens to you and makes her feel vanquished in some way.

At this point, it sounds that you are in the delicious throes of wonderful new love, while your friend has settled into a routine of marriage and family life. (Also wonderful, I might add, but without the giddy highs!) This crosses out her enjoyment of the fantasy that she could have married her ex and her life would have turned out better, happier and more fulfilled.

I suggest you be realistic about what the friendship is and what it provided you in the first place. Was this someone you could talk forthrightly with, sharing other successes of yours? Or did she prefer it when things were not going well for you? If she was only a fair-weather friend, maybe you are not losing much without her in your life.

Getting Personal with Dr. Gail Saltz More
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If you feel guilty about “taking” her ex-boyfriend, ask yourself why. Do you in fact think you did in some way steal something that was hers? Did you badmouth him in the past when they were breaking up, and now find yourself praising him to the skies? Do you talk about him endlessly? Is your own behavior somehow rubbing it in her face that she failed with this ex-boyfriend while you succeeded?

There is little downside to approaching her and acknowledging that this bothers her, but that you hope she can be happy for you. If this man were not your boyfriend, he would likely be someone else’s. Thank her for introducing you. Be kind, and give her a chance to come around. She might or might not.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Friends can harbor jealous feelings when other friends fall in love or get along better than they “should.”

Are You Too Desperate?

Guys share the traits they say make you "undateable"(their word, not ours!)

The desperate woman is characteristically unable to keep a man committed, and she turns men off with her frantic desire for a serious commitment. Sound like anyone you know?

The fact is, it's impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with the desperate woman, which makes them undateable women.

Her craze for commitment and her self-imposed deadlines -- such as the need to have a baby by the time she's 30 -- eliminate any hope of a normal relationship. We've put together this list of warning signs to help you avoid these undateable women and steer clear of the desperate woman.

She's always in a relationship

You can tell a lot about a woman from her relationship history, and the desperate woman's past is one continuous series of relationships. She's never alone because she can't stand to be alone. Moreover, each one of her former boyfriends is very different, as different as, say, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn and John Mayer. Warning bells should go off if a woman doesn't seem to have any particular type; it indicates that she's not looking for that certain someone so much as she's looking for that certain anyone. If you suspect she might be a desperate woman, find out about her relationship history, either from her or from mutual acquaintances.

She's a micromanager

She has everything planned: this weekend, next weekend, the color of her future bridesmaids' dresses, the names of her hypothetical children, everything. A desperate woman has excessively detailed plans, and she will incorporate you into those plans with alarming speed. Two weeks in and she's already saying: "I love you." After three dates, she wants you to meet her parents. The desperate woman is on a time line and, as a result, she tries to impose a serious commitment prematurely, acting as if the two of you have been together for years, even if you've only been on a couple of dates.

Cats and dogs

Maybe it's a coincidence that single Jennifer Aniston has two dogs, then again, maybe it's not. Sometimes pets indicate desperation. Now, we're not out to bash pet people, and there's no reason to freak out just because your girlfriend has a cat (or two). The key is to watch how she interacts with her pets. Doting or obsessive behavior might indicate a desperate need for affection. Are her pets substitutes for people? Take our advice: The first time she refers to her dogs as "children," leave the room immediately.

She's a pushover

At first, it seems like a good thing -- she wants whatever you want. She thinks whatever you think. Soon though, you'll realize that she's just playing at compatibility in an attempt to convince either you or herself that the two of you are meant to be together. Trust us -- while it might seem cool for a week or two, you don't really want to date someone without opinions, without interests and without an identity.

Withdrawal Techniques

OK, so maybe you're already in a relationship with a desperate woman. You thought all that obsessive, clingy, panicky behavior was just part of her charm, right? Sucker. Well, don't worry. It's not too late. Here's how you can separate yourself from undateable women of the desperate variety.

Take the Blame

First things first, suck it up and break it off. Don't bother manufacturing an excuse. Just tell her you're not ready for a serious commitment. She might yell. She might cry. She might plead with you to stay. However, you have to be tough. These are all signs that you're making the right decision. Remember, she's desperate.

Damage control
As soon as you've ended things, start circulating your version of the story. Get in touch with your mutual friends and use your initial contact to set up future plans. A desperate woman might try to attach herself to your social circle, using your friends to get back together with you. You want your people to form a barricade, not a bridge.

Go cold turkey

The desperate woman will remain desperate even after you've broken up. She will try to contact you and will likely want to get back together. This is a woman who specializes in neediness. That's why you need to cut off all contact. Go cold turkey. Avoid taking her calls and don't see her, at least for awhile. She's proven herself clingy; don't give her a chance to cling. Got it? Good. Now go find yourself an Angelina Jolie.

Understanding Men

*DEVELOPING CONSCIOUSNESS TO MOVE PAST YOUR NEGATIVE AND SELF-DEFEATING "PATTERNS" IN A RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN*

Now that you've got your two negative patterns,here's where things are going to start comingtogether for you...
First, I need you to get away from a dangerouskind of thinking that ALL WOMEN engage in when itcomes to men, dating and relationships.
I call it "All or Nothing Thinking".
Do you know any women who talk about how theirrelationship is hopeless and a complete failure...
And then a few hours or days later they haveshifted 180 degrees to where EVERYTHING is great?
What does this say about the woman who thinksand feels this way?
What kind of relationship and communication"skills" does a woman like this have?
And how do you think a man experiences thiskind of thinking and behavior... and what does itsay to him about a woman?
Of course, this is an extreme example of "Allor Nothing Thinking".
Unfortunately, the more common "All or NothingThinking" is subtle and difficult to recognize.
Especially when YOU are the one having thethoughts.
So, let me ask you...
When you look at your pattern, is there anegative trait or habit of yours that stands outas the one that gets you into trouble the most?
I'm certain there is.
I want you to identify at least one of yourgreatest WEAKNESSES that shows up in your lifethrough your negative patterns.
I'll give you a minute to write this down nextto the pattern it's associated with.
Go ahead.
...
...
OK. Now there's something I want you to thinkabout...
It makes sense to cut this negative trait orhabit that's associated with your pattern out ofyour relationship and behavior with a man...right?
It's caused a lot of these problems... right?
If you cut these traits or qualities out of theway you are in a relationship with a man, thenthings will be better... right?
WRONG.
What if the problems that come up in yournegative pattern are caused by these traits?
And what if the traits in your negativepattern didn't represent just your personalWEAKNESSES?
What if they ALSO represented your personalSTRENGTHS at the same time?
If you were thinking that you should get rid ofthe trait or quality entirely that's involved inyour negative pattern so that things will workbetter in the future... then you're going to thatplace of "All or Nothing Thinking".
Talk about throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
Over the years I've recognized that there's afascinating mistake TONS of people make inrelationships, in business, and in every aspect oflife...
When something isn't working and they want tofix a problem, they don't look at the entire"system" around them.
Instead, they focus their attention on the"symptoms" they see, in isolation.
Some people complain about "Western Medicine"having the same shortcoming. That it onlyaddresses symptoms, instead of taking a "holistic"approach to how everything works together.
Anyway... when a person is trying to fix aproblem in a relationship, by not seeing theentire "system" going on around them, they can'tsee how all the elements are inter-connected.
So, when they go to make a change, they thinkthey can change what's related to the symptoms andeverything will work better.
This is like thinking blowing your nose willcure a cold.
What's worse, often times the things thatpeople change not only don't work to fix theproblem...
Often times the change they make ends up makingthings WORSE by affecting all the other relatedand inter-connected things that WERE WORKING.
Talk about COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.
Don't start solving problems and changing yourrelationship when you can only see the "symptoms".
There's a better way.
You need to start looking at the whole "system"of how you and a man connect and communicate inyour relationship.
You need to develop your own "holistic"approach.
Then you'll have the PERSPECTIVE to makechoices and take action that will bring moreconnection and understanding into your life with aman.
So how can you start to see your ownrelationship with a man as the "system" that itis?
And how can you avoid the dead end strategy oftrying to cover up the "symptoms"?
Here's a step towards this that you can takeRIGHT NOW...
I'm going to get you out of the habit of usingyour destructive "All or Nothing Thinking".
I want you to look at your trait or traitsagain that were your own WEAKNESSES in yournegative relationship pattern.
Now I want you to try something that might seemstrange at first.
I want you to identify at least one way inwhich your trait or habit in your negativerelationship pattern is also a STRENGTH.
I'll give you a minute to see how the verytrait that you just identified as a WEAKNESS isalso a STRENGTH.
I want you to write the STRENGTH down right nownext to the pattern it's associated with.
Go ahead. I'll give you a few minutes.
...
...
...
OK, good.
There's a lot of power and AWARENESS created inwhat you just did when you think about it... IFyou stay aware of this when you're interactingwith a man in your relationship.
When you see how your WEAKNESSES, that you'vebeen giving yourself a hard time about and tryingto figure out how to get rid of, are also part ofyour STRENGTHS... things you never could haveunderstood will start to become clear to you.
Challenges, issues, attitudes and hurtfulthings that a man brings to you that relate toyour patterns, and these traits will start to lookdifferently to you...
And you'll start to have an amazing sense ofCLARITY about what's the best thing to do for you,for him, and for your relationship.
A "STRANGE TRUTH" ABOUT THE PEOPLE ANDRELATIONSHIPS YOU ATTRACT IN LIFE AND LOVE
You've got some basic tools to work with now tounderstand more about what's going on with you andyour relationship with a man.
But it really only starts here.
Are you CLEAR on how these 2 patterns come upin your life?
Do you know how to avoid "All or NothingThinking" the next time it comes up and tries tocreate DISTANCE between you and a man.
Do you know where these thoughts come from andwhat to do to stay conscious and overcome thenegative aspects of your other destructiverelationship patterns?
Do you know how to guide a man to start doingthese same things to improve HIMSELF and the wayhe is in your relationship, so you don't have totry and convince him of what's going on that hecan't see or isn't paying attention to?
Most women who aren't in a happy, healthy,loving, lasting relationship don't have thisknowledge and the ability to stay connected with aman that comes along with it.
The strange truth is, patterns aren't justcoincidences in your life.
They keep repeating in your life for a reason.
What are the lessons that keep coming up foryou in your love life that you can't learn fromwhere you are today, but keep coming at you?
The reality is that you have a choice...
You can keep repeating these patterns, andexperiencing the pain and frustration that comeswith them again and again...
This is the "easy" choice that doesn't ask orrequire you to learn and grow at all.
OR...
You can create a "shift" in your life.
You can choose to have more AWARENESS and moreGROWTH... which will of course bring new ways ofseeing things, and best of all, NEW RESULTS inyour relationship.
The choice is yours right now.
I've put together what I think is the VERY BESTprogram just for a woman like you that will createthe GROWTH and AWARENESS you're looking for inyour love life.
It's called "From Casual To Committed".
If you've ever wondered why you get "stuck"with a man once you get to a certain level ofconnection and intimacy... and then things seem togo backwards and he withdraws... then this programis going to change your life and yourrelationship.
One of the most critical things that's going oninside a relationship when a "casual", or even acommitted relationship, starts to go wrong, eventhough there's no lack of love or caring betweenthe man and woman, is FEAR.
And I don't just mean YOUR FEARS... I'm talkingabout a HIS FEARS too.
There's a reason why most men pull away andsabotage perfectly good, loving relationshipswith women.
And there's a reason why YOUR FEARS are onlymaking these things with a man WORSE.
There are clear steps that you can take tochange your love life and relationship, no matterwhere you are right now with a man.
Shifting your PERSPECTIVE and becoming MORECONSCIOUS is your first step... some of whichwe've touched on here.
You can stop the unnecessary PATTERNS.
You can come to terms with, and understand, theFEARS.
And you can find out, once and for all, why itis that men so often put up RESISTANCE to becomingmore connected, closer and MORE COMMITTED with YOUon a physical and emotional level.
Don't let go of this opportunity to haveLASTING CHANGE and IMPROVEMENT to the quality ofyour love life and all your relationships.

"It's a no-brainer and will quickly have you "in theknow" on all kinds of stuff that used to drive you crazy trying to understand about men."

If you are dating, engaged, or still trying to find Mr. Right, then this week’s message is for you - Why some men do not want to commit or find it very difficult to commit to women they supposedly love. This topic is quite puzzling to most single women. You feel that a man who professes to love you ought to commit to you with ease.

Here are some of the reasons why some men behave this way:

“Why commit when I am getting the goods free of charge?” – A lot of men, if given the opportunity, will sow their wild oats until hell freezes over. These men are like kids in a candy store – they just don’t know how to choose when there are so many varieties to choose from. It is more exciting for them to keep you as one of their concubines, rather than get tied down and lose out on the opportunity to sample the delicious lovelies out there.

“What if I commit too soon and miss out on the most beautiful woman I have ever met?” This is the kind of internal talk that goes on in the head of the guy that is finding it difficult to commit.

You may be the nicest person they have ever met, but something tells them that there may be someone else out there who is more beautiful, sexier, freakier, and just plain nicer.

Past hurtful experience that makes it difficult to commit - Some men want to commit to women, but find it very difficult to do so as a result of being dumped, cheated on, or simply being disappointed by someone they loved with all their heart.

The hurtful experience could also be from childhood, such as having parents that divorced .
This sometimes makes a men feel that it is useless to commit to any woman, when there is the possibility that the relationship could break up.

The relationship that once was his rock and foundation – his parent’s – disintegrated. This type of man is usually a good man, but as a result of the bad relationship experience, has become gun shy. With some patience, love and the passage of time, this kind of man usually overcomes his commitment phobia.

Fear of taking on responsibility – With commitment comes responsibility, and there are some men who just hate to take on the kinds of responsibility that come with marriage and childbirth. They find it much easier to remain single.

Your inability to satisfy him in bed – This is an often-neglected reason why a man may not want to commit to a woman. Men have this fear that if they are not sexually satisfied now, when they have not committed to you, it may get even worse when you get very comfortable after they commit.

Just because your man is afraid of committing does not mean that he cannot commit to you. There is always a way to get the results you want. You can make yourself so irresistibly attractive to him that all his inhibitions will just simply melt away.

Reasons for Getting Married

The Top Eleven Reasons for Getting Married

Dating is a chance to practice relating to a number of different people, before committing to the intense intimacy and the responsibility of a true relationship. The whole point of dating is to experience your new friend without making a commitment. No matter how intense your feelings might be, don’t expect that your date is interested in a commitment until the subject is discussed.If your dating experience lasts a while with this person, you will hopefully have an opportunity to disagree, to solve some problems, and to spend enough time together, in enough different situations, to figure out whether your relationship will work.You’d think the positive signs in a date would be obvious, but with all the excitement, the most important clues can be overlooked. What makes for a great date may not be all you need for a great relationship. This checklist of positive signs will help you evaluate your date in a realistic manner. If you get a lot of these positives, this date might be a good choice for marriage.

1. Sense of HumorOf all the characteristics that are essential for getting through life successfully, a sense of humor has to be in the top ten. But, what kind of a sense of humor?Joking at someone else’s expense or at inappropriate times can be counter-productive. Using jokes to avoid taking responsibility for one’s behavior can prevent you from solving problems. The sense of humor you’re looking for is the generous, positive kind that makes life more fun and the tough times easier. If your date can make your laugh, and lift your spirits, that talent may help you through some future difficulties.

2. Cares What You ThinkA date who asks for and listens to your opinions and feelings, and better yet, who remembers what you say and builds on it later, and who responds with empathy, sincerity and caring, is someone you can communicate with and therefore, more likely to be able to form a partnership with you.If you pay attention, you can quickly notice the difference between the appearance of caring and real caring. If your relationship is successful, you’ll have years of talking to each other, so find someone who is interesting to talk to and also interested in talking with you. Your date should be able to carry on an interesting discussion on a variety of topics, and at least show interest, even if the topic is not something he or she is familiar with.

3. Has An Opinion, TooA truly good conversationalist not only listens to your words and responds, but also has ideas and opinions. Your date should not hesitate to disagree with you or to bring up new topics.

4. Can Work Things out with YouRecent research shows that the single most important quality which determines whether a relationship can succeed is how well the couple solves problems. If you have a disagreement while dating, welcome it as an opportunity to see how well the two of work it out together. If you can discuss your differences without becoming defensive or sarcastic, and you can listen to each other and work together toward a solution, your relationship has an excellent chance.

5. Accepts Who You AreA popular book asserts that “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus”, but I think it’s more that we’re all from different planets. You and your date are unique, special and individual and need to be able to understand each other, and accept that you’ll perceive things very differently. Even when you and your date see things differently, you should be able to agree to disagree.Remember, the security and comfort in your relationship will come from where you and your partner are similar, and the excitement and growth in the relationship are generated from your differences. Different interests, opinions, attitudes and ideas will keep things fresh and alive between you. If your date does not become defensive or threatened by your differences, you can be interesting to each other for a long time.

6. Openness: Discloses SelfThe whole point of dating, as we said before, is to get to know each other. While you both may want to take a little time before disclosing too much, your date should be comfortable talking about him or herself, and it should not be like tooth pulling to find out what you need to know.

7. A Together Life: Job, Friends, Family Relationships, InterestsA date who has a full, interesting life you would want to be a part of is more likely to be a healthy, balanced person. While it’s important to have some relaxation time, and time to meditate or think, a life that includes a good career, hobbies or sports, community service and friends and/or family is reassurance that your date is motivated, focused and able to relate.

8. IntelligenceYour date doesn’t need to be a member of Mensa or a mathematical genius, but look for enough intelligence that you can respect and admire each other. There are several kinds of intelligence, from school learning to independent education by reading, working, traveling, and life experiences.An “airhead” who looks good and may be fun to play with, will not keep you interested for long. A date who is not interested in learning and growing intellectually may not be able to keep up over the long haul.

9. Modesty, Humility, Ego (In Balance)As you learn about this new person you’re dating, observe his or her character and personality for signs of a balanced sense of self. If your date can keep success and failure in perspective, admit personal shortcomings, and rise above disappointments and losses, he or she does have a balanced personality, and the kind of resilience that can travel through life’s highs and lows and keep it all in perspective.

10. Emotionally MatureWhile it’s fun and charming to be able to be childlike when in a playful mood, it’s essential to be an adult whenever necessary. A date who is responsible, self-regulating, emotionally responsive, motivated, and in control of his or her impulses, is capable of being a supportive, fully participating partner, no matter what joys and sorrows, successes and failures you may face in the course of a lifetime.

11. Healthy History of Relationships (Not Perfect, Just Normal)Of course, if both of you are dating again, your relationship history will probably not be perfect. What counts is whether your date has learned from the problems, confronted his or her own weaknesses and shortcomings, and grown as a result of the setbacks.If your date is willing to talk openly about his or her past relationships, and can explain what went wrong and how he or she is learning to correct the problems, the difficulties in past relationships can be an asset rather than a liability. If your date expresses a willingness to seek counseling in the event that problems should occur, score that in his or her favor.Remember, a smart date will be watching for the same characteristics in you.To do well in a relationship, learn to be the partner you would like to be.