"Reasons Why Most Men Cheat"

Dating 101: The Truth About Why Men Cheat.

What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "The Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity -- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

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48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too.

They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation.

"Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains.

"They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it.

" You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club.

Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home.

" Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences?

Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body. " In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride.

" If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does.

Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place.

Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

"Cheaters"

Cheaters only,Men specially
Females are very soft-hearted than males, so they can easily forgive, especially when the one they love ask it from them. And I'm pretty happy for that character, because it is in accordance with God's teaching to forgive those who have sinned against us, for He Himself will forgive our sins.

But, wicked people take advantage on this. A lover gains courage to cheat on his girlfriend for he knows in advance that she will forgive him, whether it is done seriously or not, and without the girl's knowledge of his deep sincerity. You just have to cry a little, or act so sweet that will eventually melt a girl's heart, or speak something that comes from a ballad song, or anything that their minds can create just to get back his girl's trust and love.

Due to my knowledge on this and eagerness not be subjected to another trickery, all this never work for me. I'm sorry, but i'm pretty hard especially when I can sense based on a guy's background what's really in his heart. Yes I do forgive, but that is never meant to say that I'm going back with someone who brought me misery. If a single big mistake can still be disregarded, a new and a graver one will not be treated similarly. The second time will only serve as a warning for my own goodness to leave and never look back.

It's a big deal for me that a man must have good moral values, because if he truly has this, he will do all his best to keep it up, in whatever situation he may be. Good physical appearence may attract and satisfy our eyes, (and you know what for some others) but a serious love relationship goes beyond that. It needs fidelity most importantly, and fidelity has a broad meaning, and includes respect, honesty, understanding and etc.

Now, he began to realize the special qualities of his ex-girlfriend, which he could never find on the girl he's with at this moment (who was his accomplice in causing me great pain and attempt of humiliation). As the song goes "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."

Cheating

When Does Cheating Happens?

Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don't have. Somewhere along the way, you will meet someone who will be more charming or sensitive than the one youre already with.

More sexy, More thoughtful, wealthier, better in bed, and you will meet someone who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your boyfriend/girlfriend ever did. No boyfriend/girlfriend is perfect, because your boyfriend/girlfriend will only have 90 percent of what you're looking for.

So, cheating happens when you look for the missing 10 percent. Lets say your girlfriend is melancholic by nature. You may find yourself drawn to the pretty girl next-door who has a cheerleader laugh no matter what she says: I broke my arm yesterday, ha ha ha...

Or because your girlfriend is a couch potato who is always in pajamas and smelling of garlic and cooking oil, you may fall for the CK-One-smelling colleague who comes to work in a sharp pinstripe blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt.

Or because your boyfriend is the type who never shuts up even when you've tried using duct tape, your heart may skip a beat when you sit next to a brooding, mysterious Latino on the bus.

But wait! Thats only 10 percent of what you don't have. Don't throw away the 90 percent that you already do! add to the 90 percent the 100 percent that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together.

The many adjustments you have made to better understand each others little quirks and idiosyncracies. The wealth of memories that you have accumulated as lovers. The old sparks that can always be rekindled by the walk on the beach, barefoot and underneath the stars...

Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don't have. But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already do.

"MONOGAMY"

Lets talk monogamy... Who makes the rules?

Before we start lets define the usage of the word sex in this blog.
Sex – a physical act intended to bring pleasure.

Not this definition:

Sex – an act between two people in love, used to express intimacy, closeness, adoration, admiration, the joining of two souls, I want you to complete me and be my love moon, blah blah blah.

Next let me prepare you and your mind for this blog.
I do not accept any beliefs, thoughts or rules just because I am "supposed to". I want to understand everything I do at a factual and logical level. You are going to have to put yourself in that place as well if you really want to get your brain going with this blog and generate some deep discussion.

Reasons like: "just because", "that's way its supposed to be", "that's just how the world works", "that's how I was raised", "that's how people in my city think", and "I don't know", aren't acceptable reasons.

If you are 1 week before your period, do not read this blog. You will be blinded by emotions and they will override any logical thinking your brain is capable of, go cry because your shoes are black and come back next week.

If you are not a confident person, then this blog is not for you. Without true self confidence, this topic will always be off limits, because you live a life of thinking you aren't good enough and someone else has more to offer. Gross.

Last, this is not a religious blog and all statements and thoughts are made outside of the context of the bible and biblical/religious history. If you base the discussion on the bible then it states husband and wife only, but that's not as much fun to write or read about so we will take the secular approach.

Ok, now lets discuss.

Why is it that sex is always such a point of contention in commited relationships? Someone is cheating on someone, someone is fantasizing about someone else, someone is hiding a secret from their partner about someone they saw recently, etc etc.

Men, after a certain period of time being with the same woman and being told you cant be with anyone else, your mind begins to wonder. Wonder what someone new would feel like, wonder what the chase would feel like, wonder what a dog collar would feel like around your neck while someone feeds you dog biscuits and only refers to you as Fido, wonder what some "strange" would be like after 5 years of the same thing.

I would never say that all men act on these urges, but I will say all men have these thoughts and most men I know have acted on them. Save the morality speech, I never condoned it, just stated facts. Plus I am sure your man has never done or thought about those things… He's different, trust me.

Ask one hundred husbands if they could have a night of wild, hot sex with a beautiful stranger with no risk of getting caught or any guilt associated, how do you think the majority would answer? If they did, the wife didnt find out, it didnt make him love or adore her any less, then would it really matter?

Women, after a certain period of time your mind might wonder about what it would feel like to have new exciting sex with a Latin dancer who doesnt button the top three buttons on his shirt and continually drips sweat on you while he is drilling you like an oil rig, what it would feel like for the danger associated with sleeping with a bad boy, one that wouldnt be sweet to you and would fuck you like a 16 dollar whore, what it would feel like for a millionaire to sweep you away on his yacht for a weekend, the two of you sipping champagne and making love on piles of 100 dollar bills and caviar, what it would be like to feel that nervousness again, the kind you feel when you get naked with someone for the first time.

Why is it that we take the most natural thing on earth besides breathing and eating and make it so off limits and taboo? Because society says we should? Because the media says we should? Because that's what our wedding vows said? Because that's what our parents did?

Some of the possible reasons/answers to that question:

1. Because your spouse is yours and yours only, no one else can touch them. My question back to you is, why? Who says? Because if I dont know who says that rule then its highly unlikely I am going to listen to the mystery source dictating the rules.

2. Because fooling around could lead to falling in love and leaving your spouse. My answer to that is if fooling around one night with someone other than your spouse is enough to make you abandon your entire relationship then it was going to fail anyway. Might as well happen now than drag on your bullshit relationship for 5 more year.

3. Because what if you experience someone that is better in bed and gets you curious and wanting to explore more. If you experience that, tell your spouse and the two of you work on that technique or sex life.

If after 5 years of just pleasing each other someone new shows you some tricks then either you two need to get in bed more often or, great, we learned new ways to please each other.

Not, "oooh that was good, let me leave my spouse and go try that again".
The list of reasons could go on, but I still don't think any of them are valid if the two of you are confident in yourselves, each other and the bond the two of you have. What are the other reasons?

I am not speaking of an open relationship where each person can do as they please without accountability.

I personally think that leads to lies, covering up and emotional connections. Which are all dangerous and all break trust with your spouse.

I am talking about one night, letting your spouse sleep with a stranger or a stranger sleep with you. Or someone going out of town on business and banging a slutty chick all night until she forgets her middle name.

Or the two of you and another couple pile up in a king size bed until the sun comes up. No lying, no covering up, everything open and on the table in front of your eyes. And, with someone that you will never see again, text the next day asking how their morning is going or meet for lunch or continue to "connect" with.

Basically the other party is used purely for your physical temporary pleasure and then tossed aside once it is over. The other party also views you as a temporary source of pleasure as well.

How does that scenario take away or hurt your relationship with your spouse? They are using someone else's body for pleasure, basically like a sex toy, except they are live sex toys.

Jealousy? Why would you be jealous? That other person gets them for 45 minutes, you get them anytime you want and your spouse chose you to spend their life with, not the 45 minute human sex toy, right?

If anyone should be jealous its the 45 minute person, they should be jealous because you get them for a lifetime and they only got them for 45 minutes.

Your spouse gets a massage that is purely for pleasure, if you remove the taboo that the media and society has put on sex then could they be viewed the same?

Why is it ok for a man to touch a woman's hand but not her breasts? Who said breasts were off limits? Again, media, society, influence…?

If 50 of us were born and day 1 placed on a 5 acre island in the middle of the ocean. No influence from the past, no influence from society or the media, no one to teach us what is off limits.

Would we just naturally grow up know that women are supposed to cover their breasts and sex should be only allowed between two people for eternity?

Of course not, we wouldn't have a world there to tell us how to be, so why again do we let a world that is pretty fucked up dictate to us what is right and wrong or what is off limits?

I want to know why and "because the world says so" isn't a good enough reason for me.

I'd like to hear your open and honest thoughts on this topic, I will personally reply back to every comment left.

I am not here to convince anyone, I am just here to discuss. My replies will be unbiased and unemotional. Just give your random thoughts or answer the below questions from the blog.

1. If you have a solid foundation with someone, does a physical act purely for pleasure affect that foundation?

2. Is it different if both people in the relationship openly discuss and are aware of the acts vs an open relationship where each person does as they please.

3. Is it different if its a regular person that you sleep with vs a random stranger that you never meet or talk to again?

4. Is it different for the woman to do it knowing that for most women stimulation and attraction starts with her mind and emotions, and attraction for a man starts with something as simple as being there and smelling good.

5. In the majority of cases if a woman is being fulfilled mentally, emotionally and physically by her partner she will not want to sleep with another man. If a man has everything he could ever want, sleeping with another woman is still appealing.True or false?

6. If you are 100 percent confident that there is no one that can fulfill your spouse the way you can, then should you be worried or jealous of someone else touching them? If the answer is yes, then why?

7. Do you agree with the 5 acre island without any outside influences theory?

8. What are the reasons why have monogamy in your relationship?

9. Jealousy? Why would you be jealous? Unless you felt that your spouse would choose the other person over you… Right?

Lies and betrayal

Lies Between Couples

This week the topic is CHEATING. This is a topic that I have shied away from until now. I didn't want to air "dirty laundry" and I don't do it now for that reason. Someone told me they thought I should share my story…….to put a human face to the topic, if you will. This is a long story, but one I hope you will take the time to read until the end.

I have been divorced now for 6, almost 7 years. My marriage started as all do. We were young and happy. We thought we would be that way forever. As anyone who has ever been married knows, it isn't always the easiest road. We were not a good team. We were not able to make each other happy. We both held responsibility for bad decisions. We should have ended it early, but for reasons I won't elaborate on here, we both remained. Perhaps we thought we were doing what was expected of us or what was best for our kids. It doesn't really matter now.

1998 was a turning point for me. My grandfather had died in April of that year and it was a devastating blow to me. He was the person I was closest to in my life and my personal hero. Family was something my grandfather and I talked about a lot growing up. Family was everything to him. When he died, all I could think about is how disappointed he would be if we weren't a strong family unit. In the weeks and months that followed his death, my husband was incredibly supportive. During that time I once again saw the man I had fallen in love with. I was determined to make my marriage work and to hold on to my family.

My grandfather's birthday was in October and when it rolled around that year, it was a difficult week for me. I cried a lot. My husband would hold me and listen to me talk about how much I wanted our family to be something my grandfather would have admired. I even talked about how much I yearned to be like the elderly couple next door. Their love for each other was so obvious and had stood the test of time. I thought we were heading in a better direction. It was at this same time that one of our co-workers (we worked together) approached me and told me that a woman was calling my husband every night at work at the same time.

He said they would talk for long periods of time. He said he was worried and felt strange about telling me, but wanted me to know the truth. I stood in defense of my husband. I just knew that he would never do anything like that to me. I was sure he would leave me before he would ever cheat on me. I believed him when he told me it was his mother calling him each night. They talked often and that made sense to me.

There were subtle things that continued that I should have seen, but I had convinced myself that my husband would never do something so hurtful. Again my friend approached me. I got angry with him and drove a wedge into the friendship. I refused to believe anything he said.

In March of 1999, I had taken some time off from work. I was at home when my husband came in and told me we needed to talk. The look on his face scared me to the point that I couldn't breathe. I thought something horrible had happened to one of the kids. He was shaking and had tears in his eyes. It was then that he told me he had cheated on me. But if that were not heart-wrenching enough, he told me the woman was pregnant and was going to be demanding child support after the baby was born.

He told me that he had gone out that morning with his gun to kill himself, but he could not do that to our kids. As he continued to talk, cry, and to explain himself and his regret, I just sat there numb. I felt like I was in another world, listening to someone else talking and not hearing any of the words. It was just noise to me. What I later found out was that he had met this woman at a motorcycle rally. They did not sleep together then. They communicated for a while. She was 19 years old. Our son was 15 at the time.

How do you wrap your head around that ? Your husband is having a baby with another woman who is only 4 years older than your son. I couldn't comprehend it. I'm not sure why, but the most devastating blow for me was when I calculated when all of this occurred and realized it was at the time of my grandfather's birthday. Those were the times when I was laying in my husband's arms at night, telling him of my heartache in missing my grandfather, my dreams for our future, and feeling more loved by him than I ever had. To know that this wasn't a spontaneous act, but one that he spent time investing in was painful. It was almost more than I could bear.

To make a long story a little bit shorter, I let him stay in the house until school let out in May. I didn't want to disrupt my kid's lives during the end of the school year with exams pending, etc.. To say it was difficult is an understatement. I filed for divorce in May, but while undergoing counseling and going through the divorce proceedings, I was convinced by many people that I should give him another chance. I was convinced he had had a "mid-life crisis" and that he was truly remorseful. I know what you're thinking, but honestly, there were MANY people convinced of this other than myself.

I ended up taking him back not long after the baby was born. I stayed with him until 2002 when I could just not handle it any longer. I suspected he was cheating again. I was even told that he had done it five or six times during our marriage. I don't know the truth to this day, but I really don't care either. I filed for divorce and the rest is history. I don't hold any hatred towards him.

People always assume that I do. They mistake my bitterness about the way he has dealt with our children as hatred for what he did to me. Those are VERY separate issues. I won't make excuses for him. He was wrong, but maybe it was the only way he knew to extricate himself from the situation. I actually feel a little bit sorry for him because he has to live with the choices that he made every day for the rest of his life.

The only reason I share this now is because someone told me my story might be relevant in making others understand the damage that can be done. Of course there is anger and sadness, but it goes much deeper than that. There is a trust that is shattered that goes down to the core of everything you know about life and about yourself. You never believe that someone that loves you could hurt you so deeply.

I did confront my husband on numerous occasions and would question him about suspicions. Each time he would look me in the eyes and tell me I was being silly or that I was crazy. He would tell me he loved me and explain away things that I worried about. There were times I felt like I was going crazy. I wondered if my instincts were that wrong. I would feel guilt that I would question my own husband. The tables were turned often and he would make me feel like I was the evil one and he was the victim.

I would question what part of it was my fault. Did I drive him to do it ?? What did she have that I couldn't offer ? So many of those things cross your mind. How could I have believed that our marriage was better in those times when he was cheating than in the past ? Why couldn't I see what was happening ? Why wouldn't I believe someone who was telling me ?

There are also the unseen consequences. I have seen things that my daughter has written and listened to things my son has said. What my ex-husband didn't realize is that when he cheated, it wasn't just on me, but on our kids as well. My son was the first one who made that statement and it was an eye-opening experience for me. My daughter admits to having trust issues and being afraid that she won't ever really love a man because she is afraid of being hurt. She says she doesn't know if she really believes in love.

To hear those things is excruciating pain. Their lives weren't just changed in those months when we were going through the betrayal and the divorce, but for the rest of their lives. They carry emotional scars that may be with them forever. Things that I pray I have helped them with, but I can't make disappear.

Eventually you begin to heal with time, but some of the consequences of the betrayal lie deep within and sometimes you don't recognize how deep those scars reside. I needed to find myself after my divorce -- to work on me. I had absolutely no interest in dating. It was a wise decision. After the betrayal, I had put up HUGE walls.

I didn't know how to trust any more -- not others -- and not my own judgment and instincts. After the divorce, I was able to work through much of that emotion and start tearing down some of those walls, a little bit at a time. I still felt vulnerable, but I was much more at ease with those demons from past and I really got to know myself. I felt really strong again and I truly liked the person I was. I had found "myself" again.

I finally felt ready to date again, or so I thought. Subconsciously thou', if I was enjoying someone's company, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would find reasons to end it. It was easier to be single than to worry about having my heart broken again. I finally did grow weary of not trusting and always being afraid tho'. When I tell you that I worked hard on those issues, I doubt you will understand the lengths to which I went to rid myself of those demons. I truly believed I had finally overcome them completely.

I wish I could tell you that I am completely over those issues, but I learned recently (almost 7 years after the divorce and even longer after the affair) that despite the fact that I've come so far, there are still traces of those trust issues deep within me. Someone that I trusted and befriended for 20 years (and knew and had gone through my divorce with me) used those very issues to manipulate me for reasons of his own.

Because I had been a friend for so many years, my instinct wasn't to question him, but to think he was just being a caring friend. I couldn't even see that I was being manipulated. What I did instead was this: I questioned myself, what I believed in, whether or not my instincts were correct, or whether I was being naieve. One minute you can think clearly and know your instincts are on target and what you feel is real......and in the next minute you second guess everything you know.

You were conditioned to think that way and you don't even realize you are doing it. I began a cycle like that of a roller coaster -- up and down, and twisting and turning in agony. He triggered those responses in me without me even realizing it was occurring. As strange as it sounds, I found other things to blame my emotions on. It took me way too long to recognize what was happening. In the course of that time, I hurt someone I cared about very deeply. I can't take that back. I can only apologize and hope for forgiveness -- and that the person will have the capacity to realize the depth of the pain that brought me to those places.

I now struggle with the pain of hurting someone I cared about all because of those issues that I thought I had resolved so long ago. I was wrong. They were buried deep within me, and with the right triggers, came flooding back into my world. Perhaps not quite in the same way, but enough to make me question my own instincts and to doubt myself. All of these years later, I am now in a struggle with sadness of a different kind....but still because of trust issues stemming from the lies and betrayal of infidelity.

My heart hurts so heavily from the pain that I unwittingly brought to someone so dear, someone that I had trusted completely.....until those old triggers were manipulated by another for their own selfish reasons. I am ashamed, humiliated, and embarrassed that I could not see what was directly in front of my eyes. In that way, I feel very victimized......but mostly I feel pain.

So why do I share these ugly things with you so openly now ? Not because I want your sympathy, nor do I want empathy. I'm not asking anyone to hate my ex-husband. I don't stand in judgment of anyone either. We all make mistakes in our lives and I am no exception. We all have our crosses to bear, so I am not any more a victim than anyone else.

We all make choices for different reasons. I only share this with you to give you the perspective on how it changed lives in my world---- mine, that of my children, and both of our families. I know it changed my ex's world too. I have many friends that have dealt with infidelity in their lives as well. Each one of them can relay almost identical stories to me about the scars they carry.

My only goal here is to share. I would only ask that anyone that is dancing with the idea of cheating on a loved one, whether that be emotionally, physically, or both, please consider the long term consequences of what you might be doing. It may not be just the significant other that gets hurt. Victims can be many.

As I mentioned above, one of the victim's of my past is someone in my present that had absolutely nothing to do with what occurred. Of course, it should be said that this applies only to those "Cheating".

Perhaps that is not even a term we should use, but betraying your significant other. Each relationship has agreed upon or expected parameters going into it. If you have an open relationship and it is agreed upon, then you are not violating a trust.

You are only cheating or betraying someone when you are doing something that you wouldn't do openly in front of your loved one -- or if you are doing something without their knowledge and acceptance.

My words of advice to those that are miserable.........get out of a bad or unfulfilling relationship. Move on - without destroying yourself and others. It might seem harder to do initially, but it is the better alternative for everyone in the long run.

Trust is something that takes years to build, but it can be destroyed in seconds. I am still working to keep those issues out of my life. I will not give up on people, nor will I give up on love.

Personal relationships

With regard to human relationships, couples tend to expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to forms of infidelity, particularly adultery.[5]. However, there are other divisions of infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with someone you are attracted to may equally be as damaging to one of the parties.

Emotional cheating may be correlated to that of emotional abuse, which to date is treated as seriously in a court of law as physical cheating. With the expansion of understanding of other cultures, there is a wide spectrum of what cheating means.

When in a committed relationship, the definition of cheating is based on both parties opinions and both parties may redefine their understanding to match the party at an either lower or higher extreme of this definition. Some couples simply believe that cheating constitutes doing anything, whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in front of their significant other.

Such examples would include: expressing attraction to another person, electronic communications, kissing, making out, and sexual relations.

Many people consider cheating to be any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, which may or may not include sexual monogamy. For example, in some polyamorous relationships, the concepts of commitment and fidelity do not necessarily hinge on complete sexual or emotional monogamy.

Whether polyamorous or monogamous, the boundaries to which people agree vary widely, and sometimes these boundaries evolve within each relationship.

"Why Do Men Cheat?"

Men are biologically programmed to spread their seed to as many women as possible. A sad and disconcerting fact, but true. They have many seed and regenerate them rapidly. Women are biologically programmed to try to keep one man, who will hunt, and take care of her while she's with child. A woman has one egg every month, and it's impossible for the man to tell when she's fertile.

Although I don't condone infidelity it happens, and some might say evolutionarily defensible.In my opinion there are 2 distinct time frames of infidelity.

The new relationship, and the established relationship.Established relationship with passion on the downside.

Lack of Sex: I have to tell you ladies if your significant other is not having sex with you, you're in trouble. Short term set backs aside, an extended period of time with out sex is a good sign that something is amiss. Regardless of the reason for partaking in pleasures of the flesh with a spouse, humans are sexual animals and need sex. There is a good likelihood a man will go elsewhere to get laid, if the opportunity arises.

Nagging: You know if you get punched in the shoulder once it doesn't really hurt, but if you get smacked a million times it starts to smart a little. A woman that repetitively nags her man, for whatever reason, runs the risk of infidelity. A constant stream of digs and derisively conveyed needs and wants does little to bolster a man's desire of a woman. Communicate and talk about how you feel, don't just say "Clean the Garage, you bum."

Lack of Affection: Men are big babies, and in many ways are still the boys they were when they were little. Just like little boys need to be hugged, men need affection. Not just sex, mind you, but the little things, the reaching over to hold his hand. Leaning your head on the shoulder to let him know your care. Reach out to him, let him know you love him, want him, kiss him. Tell him these things. Men don't take hints. Dinner on the table, although appreciated, isn't as poignant a sign of affection as walking up to your man grabbing him, kissing him and telling him you love him. Men don't take hints.

Lack of Ego Stroking: Most men have big egos, not that I'd know anything about that. We need to be told how great we are. Not just great in bed, not just a great man, not just how attractive you think we are, but the simpler things are just as important. Bolster our egos with thoughts of us being good fathers, and thoughtful husbands. Tell us you desire us, and why. Make something up if you have to. Stroke our egos, and we'll not have to look for someone who will.

Lack of Communication: Believe it or not there are woman who don't like to talk about their feelings, or find it difficult to do so, just like there are men. It is important for a couple to share not just how they feel both good and bad, while keeping an open mind that what is being shared are just feelings, not then end all be all of what makes a couple tick. If you establish lines of communication early on, it facilitates talking throughout a lifetime of ups and downs that everyone experiences.

Letting Yourself Go: "My ex used to have an ass you could crack an egg on, now you can have a whole breakfast." A disturbing joke, but appropriate in many ways. Long term relationship cause both parties to take eachother for granted. There is no reason to look good to attract someone else, consequently the wife busy with the kids, groceries, and the day to day grind will let herself go, and the hubby no longer finds her attractive.

To Feel Young: As a man gets older, and he begins to realize his mortality, he will seek out youth in the form of female companionship that he thinks will make him feel young again. "You're only as old as the woman you're sleeping with."

Falling out of Love: After a long enough time, people if not careful, and communicating, will fall out of love. The desire, passion, and allure that was once commonplace in a marriage is no longer there. The love and passion can be rekindled, but sometimes it appears easier to just look somewhere else for that newness. As opposed to ending the marriage that is such a part of their lives, the man just cheats.

Variety: Variety is the spice of life. After a long enough time any relationship isn't what it once was. Something needs to be done to spice it up, games, romanticism, dress up, to change things from the same old, same old to something, ANYTHING different. This requires care, communication and understanding. Resting back on your laurels expecting something different and exciting isn't enough. A man will stray for variety.

Early on in a relationship, say the first 6 months.

Fear of Intimacy: Some men will cheat on a girlfriend as opposed to show their vulnerability and commit. There is a ton of control in breaking up by cheating. It is a true fear of intimacy that can cause this. They also will keep themselves emotionally distant from the mistress to avoid intimacy all together.

Sexual Incompatibility: The first few times having sex with a woman can be a number of things, crazy passion, new and exciting, but sometimes it can be two different people learning each other's bodies. There can come a time when the sex is good, but the overall compatibility is uncertain. The physicality of size, desire and satiability between two people isn't always compatible. A man will stray if he doesn't think the sex is working, or is as good as it should be.

Too Clingy: There is a fine line between attentiveness and clinging. It's a tough road to follow, since we all want our attention, and need our space as well until we really decide we want to commit.

Unrequited Love: If you've ever been in spot where you were telling the person you were with, and not getting a response you know this one. You've seen it in movies, read it in books. One person is putting themselves out there while the other is afraid to commit, or express mutuality of feelings. At some point after listening to silence after expressing your love, a guy will wonder if he's doing the right thing, and might look elsewhere to try and buffer the possibility of heartache.

The Back Up: Most eligible bachelors might be seeing 2 or 3 women all at the same time. It's called dating, of course most women call this being a player. When dating, AND looking for a serious relationship if after 6 months you don't see it going anywhere it's time to move on. After a couple months of dating a couple women, one will win out. The woman that gets dumped is sometimes kept as a back up, if the next relationship is a bust.

Do I still have feelings for?: At some point in a relationship, even one going good, a man might think that there was still that connection with an ex, leading him to stray in a decision making situation. This could go either way, it might be the final piece of the puzzle to undeniably convince him the new girl is the one, or it can be the end of the new relationship.

There is also the man who is never satisfied, that always looks for the grass being greener on the other side. That purposely sets out to find and fuck. A womanizer, player if you will, a man that bores easily, and is filled with wanderlust. These are opportunists and if given the opportunity they will cheat. They don't really need a reason they just cheat.

"Adultery"

Why Men are Prone to Adultery




Adultery is only a joke for those who are not devastated by it. The assumption for thousands of years has been that men are more prone towards adultery due to their genes and their need to spread their seed for continued survival. This may have been true at the beginning of time, but in our over-populated world, have we not evolved enough for our minds to control our behavior? Men may also be more prone to adultery because many men find it easier to separate sex from love than women do. In addition, men may have more power and money so women may put up with adultery because they feel responsible to take care of the children and thus, feel trapped.

Main shifts in the power balance in marriage have altered adultery. The incredible shrinking double standard in matters of sex has created a shift of heroic proportions in the nature of sexual infidelity. According to recent findings with a sample pool of 37,000 persons, 15% of wives have reportedly cheated on their spouse. These statistics appeared in Oprah Magazine in 2004. It is suspected that the percentage for men could be slightly higher but at the same time it would not be surprising if it were slightly lower. While this suggests that adultery is an equal opportunity, what's surprising about the new research is that men are getting more emotionally involved with their extracurricular partners.

In the past, many male adulterers did not want to disrupt their marriage and the sexual affair usually did not make much impact on the husband's satisfaction with his marriage. This difference was built mostly on the wife's sense of powerlessness. Recent findings suggest that female liberation has changed perceptions. Men have become more sensitive -- just as women say they wanted them to be -- but the sensitivity generally rewards the working woman, not the wife. Nowadays adulterers are more likely to find fulfillment with a work mate. The work relationship becomes rich, while things at home may become pressurized and child-centered. As a result, adultery is more disruptive and threatening to the marriage and more likely to lead to divorce. Working wives even have more sexual opportunities. The sexual revolution, like all revolutions, has shaped unintended consequences. While cultural changes are not thought to manipulate biology, it's clear that the messages exchanged between men and women have changed activities. Some men now get facials and pedicures just like women. The hottest group to come out of the clothes closet is the man who wants a makeover to liberate his feminine side. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, a reality TV show, explores the ways five gay men use their decorating and aesthetic savvy to alter a heterosexual male into a straight guy with style. This “new” urban heterosexual man even has a descriptive term – “metro sexual.” This term was originally applied sarcastically to the self-consumed male consumer of traditional women's products, such as bath oils, perfumes and face creams (and plastic surgery.) It's now a label worn with pride by the homo sexualized straight man that's moved from drab to fab.

According to a poll of over 5,000 women on WomanSavers.com, over 52% said they believe adultery should be prosecuted in courts. In early 2007 an Arizona court prosecuted two married adulterers for the first time in over 30 years. Only time will tell whether other states will follow in these types of adultery prosecutions.

There are cases of adultery among celebrities too. Country music singer and ‘Dancing with the stars’ contestant Sara Evans had divorce with her husband on the grounds of adultery. She had found him having multiple partners and thus ended up the relationship. This isn’t the only case in celebrities, but there are many instances where celebrities cheat their partners and commit adultery.

Honestly speaking, it is very difficult to find the statistics on adultery. The most sought after testing viz. DNA has revealed that 15% of birth certificates identify the wrong man as the father of a child. About 30% of DNA paternity tests do not confirm the identity of the purported father of a child. Since DNA paternity testing includes unmarried females and unmarried males, it cannot be an accurate measure of adultery.

In summary, adultery statistics are rare and outdated and many are flawed due to those who feel uncomfortable telling the truth about their adulterous behavior. Whether cultural changes of women in the workplace and increased divorce rates will cause men to cheat less will remain to be seen.

"INFIDELITY"

Can a relationship be saved after an infidelity?

A few years ago, Jeff Williams (not his real name) came home from a business trip and heard the words every married man dreads. His wife was having an affair. So what did he do, call his lawyer to file divorce papers? No, he headed to the self-help section of the local bookstore to figure out how to save his marriage. "I know enough people in second and third marriages, and they've all told me, 'If I had dealt with the issues in my first marriage, I'd still be married to that woman.' I knew I wanted to save what I had." What he found at the bookstore was Make Up, Don't Break Up, and he was so inspired that he called the author to see if she would help him. That was about seven years ago. Today, the Williamses are still together and happier than ever.The woman who saved their marriage, sought-after couples therapist Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, has developed a nearly foolproof approach that treats infidelity like an addiction. She claims that 98 percent of the couples she treats stay together.

In fact, her advice is so in demand that she now runs a lecture series at New York's 92nd Street Y and does phone therapy with couples all over the world. Her theory, called "the biochemical craving for connection," is based on the idea that people cheat because of a chemical imbalance in the brain. The affair, she says, is a way for them to correct this imbalance, but it usually becomes addictive. The first thing Weil has patients do is contemplate life without their spouses. If it frightens them, she says, that's the sign that love still exists. Here's her five-step program to help you overcome an infidelity:

Come clean.
Be honest about when and where the affair started and why. "This is the hardest part," says Weil, "but it's essential if you want to fix your relationship. You might think you are going to hurt your spouse, but it will help her understand what was missing and why you strayed."Identify the source.Pinpointing the cause can help break the cycle and prevent it from happening again. Think about your idols growing up. Was one of your parents or relatives a cheater? "Adultery tends to be a learned behavior," says Weil, "so you might be copying the behavior of your primary role model or someone you admire. Understanding that can help you realize that you have a choice in the matter."

Share the blame.
"You need to acknowledge that you are both partially responsible for the affair," says Weil. "After all, the betrayed usually knows about the affair long before the confession, between all the late nights at the office and the unanswered cell-phone calls." By staying quiet and letting it go on, says Weil, the noncheating spouse is acting as an enabler.

Take time apart.
After you've both taken responsibility for your actions (or inactions), put your relationship into perspective. Weil takes this to the extreme. When a cheating spouse has trouble ending an affair, she has him move in with the lover. "Playing it out as reality and not just fantasy makes people realize that it's not what they really want," says Weil. If that seems like a bit much, she recommends spending anywhere from a weekend to two months living separately. "Distance will remind you why you got together in the first place and why it's important that you two figure out a way to stay together now."

Start fresh.
Reintegrating your lives should be done slowly, especially after time apart. "You're going to have to accept that things won't be the same right away," says Weil, "and that this might be an open wound for a long time." Now's your chance to impress her all over again, by doing the things that made her fall for you. Prove to her that you're still the same person who swept her off her feet.

"Top 9 Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating'

You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, something is not right but you can’t quite figure out what that feeling is about. Your spouse has become distant, he/she is working late on a regular basis or, maybe your spouse has moved out of the house with no explanation. You suspect there may be someone else but every time you bring it up with your spouse, he/she denies the possibility. All the signs are there but you don’t have any proof. So, pay attention to the signs and your instinct but, be careful and don’t confuse signs with proof.

1. "I'm not in love with you anymore."

If you hear these words, a big warning bell should go off. This is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to loose sight of his/her true feelings. The cheating spouse will develop what I call hormone - induced amnesia. The surging hormones and passion they feel in their new relationship can cause some very skewed thinking.

2. “We are just friends.”

This is also another very predictable statement that will come from a cheating spouse. If your spouse is spending more and more time with this new “friend” then there is probably more to it than mere friendship. Your spouse may feel they have a lot in common with this person, that this person understands them and things they are going through. Whatever the reasons for the friendship, it’s a big warning sign and one you should take seriously.

3. A sudden need for privacy.

If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention cause something is probably up. He/she may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign!

4. “I need some space to figure my feelings for you.”

Men and women who are involved with someone else will request more space, time alone or away from the family. They may say it is due to confusion over their feelings or stress at work. This can be a sign that there is someone else and the spouse is trying to figure out ways to have more freedom.

5. Regular work habits change.

Working late, going to work at odd hours or, putting in more time than is normal on work related issues can be indications that a spouse is cheating.

6. Spending a large amount of time on the computer.

In today’s world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn’t even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs.
If your spouse is online more than usual, hanging out in chat rooms and visiting pornographic websites then you have reason to be alarmed.

7. Secretive phone calls and more time spent on the phone.

Emotional affairs occur primarily via the phone, especially cell phones. If you find your spouse hanging up suddenly when you enter the room or erasing the history on the cell phone and becoming defensive when asked about it, then you might want to check your phone records.

8. Behavior that just doesn’t add up.

Not being where he/she was expected to be. Missing time they can’t explain. Money that isn’t accounted for. Receipts for things you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.

9. Your Own fears and suspicions

If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse's behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign. Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become excellent liars. People who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut instinct but get hard, cold proof also.