Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm so confused , I know i'm good in giving advice to other people who needs it but i am having a hard time analyzing if i'm applying the right solution to my own problems.

About problems....i've got plenty of it but i tend to solve it anyway not realizing how sometimes the solution just popped-out.I'm a very optimistic person , i guess so,from my personal point of view.I always try to look the brigthside of every situation even there are times i felt that i'm at the dead end still hoping that i can make through somehow,luckily i had survived those hardships & trial that came to my life.

In my age of 28 i had been through a lot of experiences that made me a stronger person bec. i always try to learn from my past experiences.

I'm not perfect & nobody is but i always try my best to be a better person not to satisfy anyone or to show others what i can be but for my own self satisfaction.It brings me joy if i excel in everything i do even on the most simplest task i oath to do.

In my own way i know i am an achiever because i don't give up easily on anything i can endure enough pain to survive but what weakens me is I move using more of my heart instead of my head.

Still i have many dreams i want to fulfill & goals to achieve.I want to live my life in a more meaningful way.

I believe in due time ill be able to reach those dreams with the help of my migthy creator,he is the only friend i've got when there is no one to turn to.

Now,i'd been through a lot of sef realization on what i wanted to pursue & what are my priorities in life.

Many thought that i'm absurd to be friending someone who is unattainable,i did'nt believe them bec. i know there is no such thing as unattainable asides from God.

I believed that this guy had love me to the extent that i dreamt spending the rest of my life with him.But this is not just all about my faith,i love this guy so much but there many questions that is bugging me.Is my love enough to accept him?Can i really endure all the pain that this so called love will bring ?

No, it really doesn’t matter.

However, sometimes it hurts.

I'm sitting here typing through the haze of the medications that they have given me to make me "normal". To civilize me. To make me acceptable to the life society says I must live. I fear my own statements will not make sense, I fear that I will forget to spell my words correctly. Mostly, I fear the demon that keeps my words locked away from me.

I'm in my bathrobe, listening to the sound of Little Wonders, playing over and over again, on my sons cd player. His calming song. His song that he told me as he placed his small hand on his heart, "Mommy it makes me feel something in here". I love my son. I should look to him for wisdom, because most wisdom is only found in simplicity.

In the past two days, I've taken my profile out into the world of myspace. The first time to support one of my fellow citizens. The second time, to pass sometime with an interesting person, that has similar beliefs but has differing opinions on how much effort is to be put into that particular set of beliefs. Also, I thought maybe there was some learning to be done. Some information to be collected that I had not yet been exposed to, and that was exciting to me.
What I found was that people, be it on myspace, be it in the real world, are frightened by what they don't know, what they don't understand. I found the ugliness in the world that I have been hiding from for so long. Tonight though, this isn't about the real world. It's about the fake world, the myspace world.

I spend my time on myspace, with the most well known bullies on the site. Straight up, we're mean and we hit low and we don't stop until the emotional blood flows. This, is where I find my solace. I know, it sounds odd, but there people don't hide behind an artifical act of purpose, or politeness for the sake of others.

I'm learning and growing everyday. I'm glad for that. I'm also remembering that I am human. I have my own set of values, my own set of beliefs, my own philosophy on how this whole bit called life works. I don't believe in god. I don't believe in spirtuality much either. I believe in doing my best to do what I feel is right.

Life didn't start out simple for me. Life has been presented to me through complex and confusing actions by others. I lashed out in my younger years, I had my time but now have found a tenative peace regarding that life and the poor choices I made. My choices are getting better, along with my ability to choose for myself.

I am a good mother, which is the first and most important part of all. I am a good friend, I try to be a good daughter, I am loving and nurturing to the men I love and when I have been loved in return without hate and oppression, it has been good.

I am saddened tonight by human beings again. It's seems to be an unreasonable species that has plagued the earth since it's beginning. Moreover we seem to plague ourselves with unreasonable limitations designed to seperate ourselves from one another. We use religion, or the lack thereof, we use politics, we use money, we use education, we use skin color, we use every available difference to hate each other and I still fail to understand why.

Whatever I may be, whatever I may not be, I am not the things that I have been accused of being in the past two days. I am simple. I am a mother. I am another American suffering from the economy, unemployed and desperately trying to find work. I have been with only two men, in the three years since I left my husband, both I cared for. One I was and always will love. When you consider that I've been extremely careful in my sexual acts, and that I've had so few, I would hardly count me on the list of slutty women. The other thing I have been accused of being is a stripper, and though it's laughable, it is angering. I've been desperately trying to find work for months. I have even been willing to take jobs that would not bring my level of dignity up, but never have I considered raising my son, with a stripper as a mother. I use the internet to have fun, flirt and let loose the inhibitions a bit. Anyone though, that thought that through would realize that it is damned difficult to be all of the horrible things they have accused me of, when I am at home, with my child, on a computer. I am, where I am supposed to be. Doing what I believe is right, I don't run to bars and date a different man every week. The worst thing I do in my life, is take anti-depressents and anti-anxiety medication with a little side bonus of anti-psychotics, but they are only to keep my moods level and help me sleep. I take them because they keep me stable, and I think that as a parent, being off my medications would be the less fit of the two options.

Life may have caused my problems, but more likely it was simple defects in my own chemical makeup that have caused the problems I have. I have been so many things to so many people. What I can tell you I am not, is ashamed. I am not ashamed of being a woman. I am not ashamed that I've had a difficult past. I am not ashamed that I don't take things too seriously. None of these things bring me shame. Like I said, I have my beliefs and I hold to them, but I never try to shove them down the throats of others who want to believe differently than I do. I think when you have reached that point, no matter what your beliefs are, you have blinded yourself to experiencing anything new. Moreover, I try not to be afraid of something new and I do feel disgust, though I try not to, at people who do. Self-righteous people, who feel superior to all because they hold knowledge of pretentious and unimportant things. People who think that things can only be done in a certain way and when they are not, these same self-appointed intellectuals, call you a stripper and a slut. Which is so odd to me, because when I'm really angry, I mean really, really angry, that is when the vulgar leaves me. That is when I use my mind. That is when I use the power of my intelligence, not when I am having fun.

This was nothing more than a personal vent. I needed it. I am feeling the effects of two days of being called names by "intellectuals". I want to lash out and introduce them to my real life friends and say look, see this is what I do, these are the people I know, please find a way to tell me that we are stupid, I beg you. The other lashing out is the one that I repress, and that is my want to fight physically. Anyone can talk on a computer in relative safety, but honestly, some of the things I have been called in the past two days, there is a high probability that had it been in person, I would have finally lost my grip on my anger and simply punched a few people. I am all woman, but one thing I don't do much like a woman is fight. I'm glad it's a computer. Because now I can shut it off and go back to the world where my little boy loves his mommy more than anything in the world and I am not ever called things like stripper, whore, slut for enjoying a bit of fun online.

My friends are my strength. My friends in life and my friends here. Maybe some of you don't think of your online friends as real, but I do. I may not consider my whole friends list my real friends, but I consider many of the people there real friends, because they care. I can shut down the computer and they don't stop existing, and I don't shut out their words of support. Though we may be crude sometimes, at least we are not fake, and for that, I can't thank the twists and turns that led me to a place like MANtana enough. My real life friend who has taught me the value of not being too serious, the value in laughter and the value of beating life at every bully it attempts, has a far better grasp on the balance of life than people who have to boast their qualities. For him, I am eternally greatful.

Good night moon. Good night cow jumping over the moon. Good night nobody. Good night noises everywhere. Goodnight to my friends who will read this and say wonderful things to make me feel better. You silly people, I feel better knowing you are there. :)

Long blog is long. I hope too many of you don't bother with it, it's just a personal need to vent. I have a reason to leave it open, Boomess gave me that reason, but I will share that another time. I'm not going to beat myself with proofing it either so-:P

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