Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Principles Making Marriage Last

The Eight Principles That Make a Relationship Work

Things that should be done to your partner

Criticism - Attacking the person instead of stating how you feel about the troublesome behavior.

Defensiveness - High tension and lack of listening when discussing.

Contempt - Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or about your partner.

Stonewalling - Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in response to attempts to communicate, especially about areas of conflict.

Back Stubbing-Saying bad things when your partner is not around

Habitual Lying- Frequent lying to cover up the mistakes committed

Doubtful-Untrusting attitude towards your partner,lack of openess in all aspects.

5 positives to 1 negative
The presence of marital conflict that gets resolved.
The seven principles are outlined below and can be read about in more detail in Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work.

Principle 1
Enhance your love map
Develop a sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses
Plenty of cognitive room for marriage
Better prepared to cope with the stressful events and conflict

Principle 2
Nurture your fondness and admiration
Reminding yourself of your spouses positive qualities
Antidotes for contempt
Prevents the four horsemen

Principle 3
Turn toward each other instead of away
Correct distorted notions of what fuels romance
Put effort into to staying connected verbally & physically
Respond to bids for partner’s attention, affection, humor or support.

Principle 4
Let Your Partner Influence You,let him/her feel that his/her voice is being heard & had big importance,always consult each other in any decision that you should make this will make your bond more stronger.
Inspire each other by competing in a very healthy manner.Always support each other emotionally,spiritually,mentally & financially.

Yield to win,join force to succeed,always be there for each other in whether in times of joy or grief.
Search for common ground instead of insisting on your way.
Give strength when one is losing hope,be aware & sensitive with your partner's needs
Share power,both should learn to give the autority/power sharing to established solid foundation of respect for each other,not induce fear because it will not do any good.

Principle 5
Solve Solvable Problems,it is not advisable to keep your problems unsolved for a long time ,it will just lead to a bigger problem,voice out & point out what should be done.
Soften your start up .Make repair attempts .Soothe self and other
Compromise , learn to set aside your own pride , learn to forgive but you should let your partner know your standards & forgiveness should be repaid by not committing the same mistakes.
You should be aware of what would hurt him/her because if you really love each other you will not do things that will hurt him/her in anyway.
Be tolerant of faults

Principle 6
Overcoming Gridlock
The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue about deep dreams.

Principle 7
Create shared meaning,staying in a marriage is not an obligation , always think it as a blessing & you do things for each other because you love each other & you are united as one.
Share Rituals , Roles & Goals .Always let your other half know that he/she is part of your life not just in words but also by showing it through your action.

Principle 8
Trust is one of the most important factor of a relationship to last without trust you could be easily destroyed by problems that you will encounter.
This is guaranteed true,you should not keep secrets with your partner if you truly love each other.because if there is trust there is respect.If one committed a mistake or lied because of unavoidable cirscumstances have the courage to admit & ask forgiveness bec. it is better that it had come from you rather than to let him/her discover that will be more painful & unforgivable.In asking forgiveness you should be sincere in what you say not just to make things go your way.Don't ask forgiveness is you are not sincere bec. you are no one but yourself.

Be honest always whether he/she is not around,don't flirt in anyway.
Avoid temptation that may lead to unfaithfulness,Always keep in mind "prevention is better than cure."
Don't be dragged down by other people comments & advices,it is your life you know what is wrong & what is right ,if you have problems it is your other half that you should consult bec. you married each other to act as one & be there for each other always for better or for worst ,for richer & for poorer.

Always keep on mind the reasons why did you chose to marry him/her,always nurture the love as if it is like a newly wed,continuous courtship,do adventure together that will make your relationship more colorful & strengthens your bonding as a couples.

In summary, a couple has to actively cultivate an atmosphere of positivism and support while using conflict resolution and repair attempts to keep resentment out of the relationship.

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