Tell me if this sounds at all familiar to you, if you can relate to it.
A guy is out someplace like a club or bar or maybe a party and he notices an attractive woman he would like to approach. He gets himself psyched up to go talk to her, imaging how well the approach will be. Then as he takes those first steps towards her, something happens...his heart rate increases, his breathing changes, a tension in his gut starts to form, and his mind becomes filled with thoughts of rejection. He really wants to approach that woman but he ends up not doing it, he ends up just walking away. The discomfort and pressure had become too much for him and he wanted it to stop, knowing that walking away is what will make that happen.
As I reflect back, I recall being that guy many times. The level of energy I had in approaching a woman became the same level of nervous energy that ended up taking over. In a matter of seconds I would go from a level 10 energy high, to a level 10 energy freak-out! Walking away made the freak-out levels subside and that felt really good, so in a sense walking away felt like having accomplished something; "I have avoided potential disaster, yay me!"
What I find fascinating about those times is that it wasn't even the woman rejecting me, it was the fear of being rejected that was so painful. In a sense I was rejecting myself for her. And what I eventually came to realize is that women never actually reject you. In my entire life I have never once approached a woman and she said, "Eww, are you kidding me? Do you even own a mirror and know how unattractive you are? I would never go out with you, you loser!" There may exist a guy who has been told something like that by a woman, but I have yet to meet any such person. Instead, I had heard things like, "I have a boyfriend" "I'm here with someone" "I'm not looking to date anyone right now" "No, but thank you" or they had just ignored me or walked away. I don't know about you, but when women would do or say any of these things I was not devastated for the rest of the night, the people nearby did not point and laugh at me, and it never once felt anywhere near as painful as I thought it might. I might get bummed about it for a few minutes and maybe imagine in my mind some clever thing to say to the woman so I felt better, but then it was gone and I was fine.
It took some growing up, but I came to realize that a woman saying things like "No" or "I have a boyfriend" or her responding in a way different than what I wanted her to, is not rejection. Sure it's disappointing not to get the result that you want, but not getting a result does not mean you were rejected.
When I get asked by guys how to deal with "rejection," my answer to them is, "Stop looking at it as being rejected. The better question to want an answer to is how to deal with your fear of rejection."
But before I get into that, let's take a look at what possible reasons a woman would have for doing or saying the things that guys see as "rejection." I've noticed similarities in what guys typically do that causes those "I have a boyfriend" or "No, but thank you" moments, and boy do I recognize how I used to be the same way!
* Nervous Body Language
Most guys are incredibly unaware of their own body language, but you can trust that women are very aware of his body language the entire time he's there. When a guy approaches a woman, there is always that initial moment of eye contact. Where most guys screw it up is they quickly look away or look at other places on her face like her mouth or nose, only briefly making eye contact again. Some guys think they are being cool by not giving her much eye contact, but they fail to realize that since he approached her this will almost always come off to her as the guy being nervous.
Another aspect of nervous behavior guys are unaware of is he is fidgeting or gesturing a little erratically and he is in his head thinking of what to say, or how to respond, or as he is listening to her talk. Some of the guys I have consulted were completely unaware they were doing this fidgeting/erratic gesturing when I pointed it out to them, it was completely outside of their own awareness. The speed of your movements telegraphs your relaxation and comfort levels, despite what comes out of your mouth! Another strong sign of nervousness that women can immediately pick up, is when a guy's voice raises higher at moments while talking to her. His voice may only do it a few times, but that is all it takes to let her know you are nervous around her. So no matter if a guy is doing any or all of these things, it seriously weakens a woman's potential interest in you on any romantic level.
* Clueless of Bad Timing
I was at one of the clubs I enjoy and I witnessed a display that I not only can relate to once upon a time, I also see a lot of other guys doing it.
There were three women sitting down, one was upset about something and the other two were listening/consoling her. A guy walked up and said to the upset one, "Hey, what's wrong? A pretty lady like you should be having a good time, so let me buy you a drink." The upset woman politely replied, "No thank you." The guy persisted and said, "Come on, have a drink with me. I'll buy us all a round." The upset woman said, "No, really, we're fine. But I would like to talk to my friends in private." The guy said, "Whatever, your loss."
This guy may have genuinely wanted to make the upset woman feel better initially, but he was clueless to the fact that since one of the women was upset it was not a good situation in which to make a first approach. Even worse, he took the situation personally, as evidenced by his "your loss" remark.
Another time, at a different club, there were two women waiting in line for the ladies room and I saw a guy approach them. He stopped right next to them and asked them if they were having a good time. One replied, "A good time waiting to get into the ladies room?" and then she and her friend laughed. The guy continued to stand there, and asked them, "So are you locales, or visiting from someplace." They ignored him and just continued talking to each other. He persisted and offered, "If you're not here with anyone, I have a VIP table you can come party at." They said, "Ok, maybe" then promptly ignored the guy and continued with their conversation. The guy then proceeds to tell them how to find the VIP table he was at, and then he left.
This guy is a dumbass! Guys who try to pick up women as they're waiting in line to use the bathroom are about as pathetic as a lawyer slipping his card into a pocket of an accident victim as the person is being loaded into an ambulance. Women do not like to be approached in the bathroom line, it's creepy to them.
* Comfort Bubble Violations
In an attempt to come off as cool or relaxed, some guys will violate a woman's "comfort bubble" within seconds by touching her or putting their arm around her as they say, "Oh you are so adorable." While there is a way to do that without making her uncomfortable, it becomes extremely difficult if the guy has already approached displaying nervous behavior, mainly because it now will come off as clingy or approval seeking behavior to be touching her.
It translates to the woman as if you had said, "I feel I have no shot with you therefore I want to at least say I got to touch you." Another bad comfort bubble violation is to physically touch her in some way whenever you laugh at something she has said. While such behavior might be fine later, after you've spent about an hour talking and building some solid rapport, but even then you should limit how often you do it.
* Being Too Agreeable
I used to be so guilty of this one, many, many, times. You want to make a good impression and influence her into going out with you, so you agree with her on things even if they are not how you really feel. A guy wants to show her they have things in common, but he ends up becoming too agreeable and it damages the attraction. This is not limited to actually saying agreeable things either, it can also include frequently nodding your head in agreement. Many experts have stated that nodding as she is talking demonstrates that you are paying attention to her and builds good rapport. I agree, and very much advocate demonstrating that you're paying attention, but frequent head nodding can actually come across to a woman as insecure!
* Lingering or Following Her Around
When most guys hear me say not to following a woman around, they assume I mean the behavior of staying on the heels of a woman wherever she walks, and they say, "Oh, I don't that." Following a woman around also applies to frequently "finding" her when she goes elsewhere in the club. For example: there was a guy who had been talking to a woman for a few minutes and then she excused herself to go powder her nose. (That by itself means nothing bad, so don't panic if it happens to you.) When she returned from the bathroom, she chose to mingle around the club instead of returning right away to where the guy and she had been talking. The guy found her and went to where she was. This turned her off because it seemed clingy and as if the guy had no one else to talk to. The woman was a friend of mine and said that she had actually been interested in the guy before he did that.
Lingering is another big problem for guys. I am not just talking about the kind of lingering where there are periods of silence and you still stay there. Yes, that is very bad, but there is another common kind of lingering that for some reason guys fail to notice they are doing. It is when there is steady conversation going on, but the woman is having most of that conversation with other people in her group. The guy adds his comments or opinion into the conversation, and since the woman or someone in her group might acknowledge or reply to something he has said he fails to notice that for the most part the woman is ignoring him. What seems to cause this the most is that the woman gets a feeling that the guy is trying too hard to fit in with her and the group. People get a feeling, a vibe if you will, when someone is just using comments or giving opinions to be part of the conversation, versus having a genuine interest or fascination with what is being discussed. And most times in these situations the guy has thrown in some bullshit to appear cool or "mysterious" but she sees right through it. By trying to be part of something in hopes of being accepted or to attract a woman, you actually sabotage these things from happening.
By now you should have an understanding that why most guys get "rejected" is because they are doing and behaving in ways that cause it to happen.
Now that I've covered some of the more common reasons why guys get "rejected" it's time to get into overcoming your "fear of rejection." Taking care of that will help you avoid doing the things I have just mentioned, as you will see once you apply the information. One thing that I realized was helping me overcome my fear of rejection was to imagine having success, not failure, with the woman I was about to approach. I know that sounds too simple, and yes I did have to do it over and over many times before I could actually approach a woman without fear, but it worked. Through doing that I found women were almost always very receptive, and it led to better and better results for me.
One part to help you imagine having success with the women you approach, is to understand that just as you have fear of rejection, women have a similar kind of fear of rejection. You might have thought that beautiful women never worry about being rejected, that is actually not the case. They get nervous about looking like a dork or sounding stupid, they feel those awkward silences in conversation just like guys do, and they really do want to be able to impress a guy that has their attention.
I used to think that when a beautiful woman would say, "Sorry, that sounded so dumb, huh?" about something she had just said, she was just trying to get compliments. I have come to learn however that often the woman really is concerned that she sounds dumb! In regard to this a striking looking friend of mine said, "If I say something like that, I obviously care about what his opinion is of me or I wouldn't have said it." Hmm, very good point don't you think?
You might have heard a woman you were talking to at a bar or club say, "My friends dragged me here" or "My girlfriend made me go out tonight." While that might be the case, often a woman says that to convey a certain perception she wants you to have about her. Some women are concerned that they will make a bad impression and be seen as some crazy party girl or promiscuous. She might love going to clubs or other very social locations, but she wants you to subtly know that such locations are not always required for her to spend time with you. Women communicate differently than guys, and this is just one example of that.
And one of the biggest realizations that I have had about attractive women is, the more beautiful they are the more insecure they are about how they are perceived. A stunning looking woman will often feel much more pain and embarassment from spilling a drink on herself than an average looking woman will. When a woman is blessed with stunning features, it doesn't also come with a stunning personality, so they need to develop one. And while it is widely believed that stunning looking women just rely on their looks, otherwise known as "gold diggers," even those type of stunning women are still concerned about rejection and want to impress the guy. I used to know one such "gold digger" who would frequently complain that the guy she was dating seemed like he was losing interest in her. He had not stopped buying her pretty much whatever she asked for, so that wasn't the source of her concern. He didn't start calling less frequently, so that wasn't what caused her concern either. They would have regularly and passionate sex as well, so that also was not what started her concern. Her concern was based on the fact that when she would tell him about something funny that happened that day, or share some really cool information she learned, he would not sound very interested in it to her. In short, she thought she was boring him. Really look at that for a moment. She was getting whatever she wanted him to buy her, he was giving her the same amount of time he always had, and the sex
remained at the same level and frequency. The only thing that had changed was her perception of what his opinion was of her. So you see, even a "gold digger" worries about a guy's rejection. That being the case, it should help ease your tention at least a little the next time you spot an attractive woman you want to approach.
I'm not done yet though. That was just information letting you know that women worry about rejection too, but it doesn't exactly help you overcome your own fear of rejection.
Here are a few ideas for accomplishing that:
1. Observing and Approaching as You're Going Through Your Day
This is a nice step in your efforts to overcome your fear of rejection. When you're sitting at a place like a Starbucks, or enjoying lunch someplace, or inside a bookstore or at the mall, try to notice when guys are approaching women. You don't have to hear what is being said, you just need to pay attention to their body language. Pay attention to how he is standing and gesturing as he talks to her. Pay attention to what she does with her body and her eyes contact with him. After doing this just once you will notice something very interesting. Even though you don't know the guy nor the woman, you will still be able to notice by their body language if either one seems nervous or if they seem to be connecting. Chances are you can recall having seen some stranger and even though they didn't say a word you still got the feeling they were nervous or angry or upset, right? Being able to "read" someone's emotions through their body language is a skill we all have, every single one of us. Unfortunately most guys don't think to use that natural skill when talking to women, both to be aware of her body language as well as being aware of what his own body language is saying to her. So imagine the powerful information you will collect by observing just a handful of these interactions. You will notice the similarities in body language in the people that were nervous, versus the people who seemed confident. And by notcing these similarities, you can begin to spot in yourself when you're displaying nervous body language and not only know to correct it, but also know what to correct it to so as make yourself appear more confident! The great thing about this is, as you correct your body language to one more confident it literally causes you to feel more confident!
Connected to this is my suggestion that you get in the habit of meeting and talking to women as you go about your usual day. So often guys set themselves up for failure because they make plans to go out and meet women, instead of just interacting with women wherever you happen to be. That's putting more pressure on yourself than you should, and will take you far longer to overcome your fear of rejection in my opinion. After all, you're at the electronics store to buy a flash drive, not pick up women, so there's nothing to fail at if the woman you end up talking to "rejects" you. Doing it this way also gets you in the habit of approaching women, which is much easier to accomplish than just doing it at the club. So you can actually handle two major "problems" at the same time; you will be learning how to have better body language skills, and you can apply it as you apporach women.
One of the other benefits of observing guys approaching women, is you get to see that even when the guy gets "rejected" it really ends pleasantly most of the time. Unless the guy is a douche and calls the woman a foul name or gets physically abusive with her, it typically just ends with one or both them giving a "it was nice meeting you" type of goodbye. Seeing that will help you in eliminating those horrible outcomes you might imagine happening to you.
2. Plan Ahead
When it comes to interacting with women, most guys fail to have two important things planned ahead:
A. What a guy will say when he approaches a woman
Guys want to know how to approach a woman, yet they never practice it in advance. So when the moment comes they are nervous, making their ability to think of what to say at that moment becomes even more difficult. I am not talking about having a "canned" rountine or "pick-up" line ready, I am talking about having a couple of basic things that you can use in pretty much any situation. Once you have a couple of ideas of what you could say, you need to practice saying it before you go out. It doesn't have to be something you practice out loud, you can just do it in your head. It will take you less a minute, and it will help you have it ready when the time comes to approach her.
B. What he will say and do if she "rejects" him.
When the woman says, "I have a boyfriend" or "No, but thank you" most guys react in the wrong way. Some guys will slump their shoulders and walk away with a body language that displays defeat. Some guys will make some kind of "saving face" remark. Some guys will throw her an insult. And some guys will persist but in the wrong way. Personally, when a woman used to tell me she had a boyfriend I would reply, "Cool, bring him along, I'd love to meet him." These days I am so fascinated with how people meet and fall in love I'll ask her how they met and what it was about him that attracted her.
These are things that I had practiced, just in case I needed to use them. You need to think of how you can calmly react when faced with "I have a boyfriend" or "No, thanks" and then mentally rehearse it before going out. By being prepared for the "rejection" you already fear will happen, you will get through it more easily and in a very short time you will come to have less fear of it happening.
3. Journal It
One of the best tools I used, for overcoming my fear of rejection, was writing the experiences in a journal. I would write a brief account of what I said when I approached, how she responded/reacted, anything I felt was important about the encounter, and what she said that either made me feel rejected or ended the encounter. Then I would go over it and do a kind of "what if" thing where I wrote down what I might have said that could have been better, or what I now remember that had I caught it at the time I could have used. Initially I did this to help me come up with better ways of approaching women and getting them to talk to me longer, which is it did help in a big way. However something interesting also happened when I looked over a handful of these journal entries; I noticed a pattern of my behavior that I had not been aware of. So using other skills I had developed, I was able to correct it and greatly improve my experiences with women.
It took me a long time to get these things figured out, and to realize that just because a woman would talk to me did not mean she was attracted to me.
The years of time and effort it took me to spark attraction in women on a regular basis was very painful, but ultimately worth the journey. I used to think it was just "luck" that some guys were able to get really attractive women, but I now know it has nothing to do with luck at all. Once I had a system for attracting women on a regular basis, I had to figure out how to explain what I knew in a way that any guy could use to get the same results. The time and effort to accomplish that was also painful, but ultimately also worth the journey. I invite you to take advantage of that time and effort by checking out my Fire of Seduction program. In this program I break down the process of making women feel attraction for you into easy, step-by-step exercises and techniques that any guy can start using immediately. I provide some of my word-for-word seductions so you know exactly what to say and how to progress things from "first approach" all the way to "getting physical."
If you want a more introductory understanding of the concepts, and want to work on your self esteem and confidence areas first, download my Unleashing The Phoenix program. It covers the mindset and techniques you need to understand to start being successful with women and being successful in other areas of your life that you may need.
Be well, my friend, and Live Unleashed!