Monday, August 10, 2009

Mr.Right , Mr.Right , Mr.Right....where are you?


When we are children, we are surrounded by many things that shape our thoughts, actions, and desires in the future. As we grow into teenagers these things we learned as children begin to take root, and we learn whether or not the behaviors we've learned are acceptable for us or not. Sometimes it's very difficult for us to unlearn things that we've been taught, or things we've told ourselves from a very young age.

Our parents are very influential in this process. The kind of relationship that our parents have with each other has been proven to directly influence the type of partner we seek out as adults. If our father is respectful and courteous to women, males are in turn usually respectful and courteous to women. If our mothers nag, berate, and pester our fathers into submission, females in turn usually do the same thing.

As children we are faced with relationships of all kinds. Usually these relationships are male female, but that doesn't matter for my purposes today. What I want to talk about is the preconditioning we all receive is children that says the purpose of human kind is to grow up and raise a family.

From a very young age we are shown that success is measured in what we achieve. The idea of a "perfect life" is having a spouse, two kids, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. We all have our idea of what the "perfect' life would be, no matter what the details, more often than not that ideal includes falling in love and having a life long partner.

The trouble with this idea is that it rarely happens that way. We know this though, we all know the divorce rate, we all have habitually single friends, yet we still seek out this ideal. There are a few black sheep in our society that have learned that it's okay to be single, that life happiness is not dependent upon meeting somebody else.

The real trouble with this whole philosophy is that it makes us feel worthless. Just the thought of having an "other half" by nature means that until you find this other half, you are by all accounts unfulfilled. In order to be a whole you must first find that one special person who completes you.
This is absolutely crippling! No wonder single people have such low self esteem! How can they feel good about themselves when they are not whole people? There are people out there who must be in a relationship at all costs. Their lives can be going just fine, they have a job, a car, enough money, but they have no relationship and so their life's is crap.

Some of us out there food ourselves into happiness. We'll meet somebody that in our hearts we know is not right for us, and we manufacture feelings for this person. Even though this person might treat us poorly, ignore us, demean us, the idea of having a lover that treats us poorly is better than the idea of not having a lover at all. Because when that person is absent we can imagine that our relationship is great. When they are gone, we are able to think of "all the good times" that may or may not exist, but they are enough to keep it together. "Love" or the absence of it, can be truly blinding.

When do we wake up? When do we see that the pursuit of happiness does not have to include finding our soul mate? The answer is simple, when we acknowledge ourselves as being whole. When we feel whole in and of ourselves, finding a lover is no longer a need, but a want.
It took me a very long time to learn this lesson. Some of my friends are still figuring it out. To those people who still feel like they NEED a lover to be happy, I say wake up. Look around you at all of the wonderful things in your life. They are there whether you see them or not. Look at all of the people who love you, not for anything in return but just because.

I do believe that people can find a steady, stable, healthy relationship. You wont find it by holding on to every person you go out with until they cast you aside. You have to set boundaries for yourself. You have to have self worth. I went out on dates with, and had relationships with over 100 men in the course of 8 years before I met my "other half". You will never meet Mr. right, if you are too busy with Mr. Right now.

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