Sunday, April 27, 2008

"Not Your Boyfriend But Sleeping With Him?"


I've got to knock some sense into you for your
own good.

Since you have my eBook, go back to Chapter 6
and read it again.

Your fears are taking over your emotions...
which in turn is driving the behavior that your
guy is responding negatively to.

You've stopped steering your life emotionally
and you've let go of the wheel.

In Chapter 6, read about the "Emotional Gap,"
and about "Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women,"
starting on page 159.

And I've got some new ideas for you too...

There's an important scientific word I want you
to learn and remember. You ready?

Here it is:


You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him -
you're sleeping with him!

And I'm willing to bet you had these feelings
all along, but you just weren't completely up
front about them.

Your situation is possibly the WORST kind of
uphill battle a woman can have with a man early on.

It's a BIG NO-NO.

Actually, it's "THE" big NO-NO in the early
dating stage...Using purely "physical attraction"
to start a potential relationship.

For most men, it's easy to go from a meaningful
and committed relationship to one that's casual
and purely physical.

But, it is almost impossible to go from the
"friends-with-benefits" situation to a deep,
fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.

I know this first hand, both from my own love
life and from talking to lots of men and women
I've known in my life.

So... rarely do I give rules, but here's an
absolute RULE when it comes to men -

DON'T EVER try and start things with a man at
a casual and purely physical level if you EVER want
the option for something more meaningful or

Men don't work this way, like it or not.

And don't try to get a man BACK with physical
attraction and sex either.

It's a dead end street.

OK... now that I've got that off my chest,
here's the first thing you need to do. Go read
my book again. (Just buying it won't help you.)

I write about Sex and Commitment in Chapter 8,
on page 241. I reveal exactly what men think about
the whole "friends with benefits" situation and how
to time sex with dating so you're not left feeling
"insane" when a man just doesn't want anything
more than a purely physical relationship.

(And if you're reading this now and want to get
your own copy of my eBook, "Catch Him & Keep Him"
and be reading it in minutes, click on this link

You can try it free for a full 7 days before
you commit to paying for it:)

Here's the worst part of this whole situation.
You're smart and you know better. I can tell. It
doesn't surprise me that you couldn't see this
coming. Somehow, when you're in the thick of it,
attraction and "love" can blind you.

So I'm going to give you a refresher course
in what to do and in order to have the happiness
and love you need...and deserve. I'm going to give
you 4 simple rules to follow that will guarantee
you won't be "stuck" with a Friends With Benefits
situation ever again.

Ready? Ok, here we go...


You said, "I have made the mistake of admitting
to a friend that I have feelings for him."

It's NOT a mistake to share your feelings with
a man.

It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a
man 1) too early and 2) in a negative context.

You set yourself up for failure by choosing and
"tolerating" a situation that just doesn't work
for you. That situation is being "ok" with a purely
physical situation when in fact you need-and

When you're OK with the way things are one
minute, but then are looking and asking for something
more and saying you're not happy with the way things
are NOW, you've INSTANTLY become the kill-joy and
antagonist in the relationship.

One minute you're blissfully happy in his
embrace and then a day or two later you're sulking
and awkward because you just blurted out what you
feel or what you want, and you've taken him by

All because of a "talk" you wanted to have
with him.

Yeah, I'm riding you a bit hard here, but it's
for your own good.

Instead of being open with yourself about what
YOU are truly after, you pursued this "friends with
benefits" strategy to get things moving.

That's why you're freaking out.

You thought you could handle it.

You thought you'd get something out of it.

And for a minute, it was fun.

But then your feelings snuck up on you.

Eventually you were reminded of what you're
really after with a man and what you value.

Right now you have two pictures in your mind:
One picture is of this "casual" thing going on.
And the other one is what you actually want.

The two pictures are so radically different
and far apart from each other, that it's no
wonder you're acting "insane."

Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line
for what you're ACTUALLY doing with this guy.

It's time to stop creating situations in your
life that you KNOW won't make you happy or
comfortable in the long run - even if they feel
good in the moment.


Starting things with a man in this "casual sex"
way, is a SUREFIRE way to ruin your odds of
creating something more meaningful in the future.

I'm a guy.

I know.

But, more importantly, getting into a "casual"
situation with a man you might want to date more
seriously and exclusively, has a VERY HIGH
potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.


Unless you're one out of a hundred thousand
women that gets "swept off her feet" by an open,
caring, great communicator, who makes moving
into a committed relationship effortless... then
you're going to have to start asking yourself
some real questions about what you really want
from your love life.

And once you have the answers, actually be
honest about them from the start.

Here's an important question to ask yourself:


And I do mean YOUR needs. Not his. Not what
you're accepting or tolerating or hoping to get
from a man just because there's nothing better
around right now.

Be clear here and think it through.

I'll give you a minute...

Most of the women I know who are dating have a
set of subconscious requirements from the men
they're seeing. That they be honest. That they
be exclusive. That it's going somewhere, and it's
not just going to be casual dating forever.

But these aren't things they are willing or
able to communicate directly with the man
they're seeing.

So, they end up in a situation that is anything
but what they were looking for.

They say, "This is fine for now. I'm just
enjoying myself."

They are not being honest with themselves about
their bottom-line "must-haves" and therefore can't
express these things to the man, either.

From my experience, here are a few of these
"must haves" that women often aren't honest about
at the start:

- That any man they're involved with, in any way,
isn't dating or still involved with another woman

- That he's open and ready to explore a serious
relationship once they get to know each other

- That they share the same values and
priorities - or he can at least appreciate and
support her values

So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS
to feel good when it comes to men and dating? And
how do you communicate these to a man?

Do you do it indirectly by acting frustrated
and angry when your needs aren't being met, after
you've already become intimate and emotionally
vested in the relationship?

Or do you do it directly and in a positive
context as things are GETTING STARTED, so you're
in sync from the get-go?

Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going
to make the right decisions for you, or magically
and telepathically recognize and meet all your

Sticking to a set of minimum standards and
then communicating those helps show a man what
it's going to take to make you happy.


I observed something FASCINATING about people
and relationships a few years back.

When we're in a situation that causes bad
feelings and friction of some kind, there is
always some kind of "payoff" for one or the other
person...and that's why they persist in sticking
with the bad situation.

Here's what you're getting out of the "casual"

You get a safe and risk free path to get close
to this guy. Even though technically you're not
"close" at all.

I call this "working it from the 'friend zone'".

After all, how vulnerable would you be if you
shared what you REALLY were looking for up front,
BEFORE you slept with him?

You might be disappointed or rejected, or you
would be unable to continue the "friendship"
that you have right now.

And maybe having to start over alone might
actually be worse in your mind than having
something crappy and low-quality that you're
"tolerating" now.

But if you look deeper, you'll probably see
that your desire for something more was there all
along underneath the surface. Therefore, I doubt
that you could have been "just friends" with him
anyway, even if you never slept together, without
you feeling gypped in some way.

That's why you have to show a man that you're
strong and you know what you want, and you won't
settle for scraps or second-best or "good enough
for now."

My favorite way of thinking about how to do
this, is to be like a "velvet hammer."

Be strong and assertive, but warm and gentle
at the same time.

Say, "I really like you. Probably too much to
be JUST friends. This is why I'm not sure we should
continue this situation unless you feel the same way."

If you can say this in a way that doesn't include
BLAME or guilt or pressure from you, it the response
a man will give will be MAGICAL.

He'll open up and meet you at the level of
honesty and respect you're coming at him with.

And as tough and as "bitchy" or self-centered
doing this might sound right now, this is exactly
what you need to say to a man if you really want
something more with him.

And doing this, and only this, can get you out
of your "friends with benefits" situation and into
a great relationship.

Trying anything else is almost sure to end up
in a series of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

But you might be thinking- WHY does this kind of
language work with a man?

Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to
a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and
her world.

There's nothing that triggers more intense
"long-term" attraction in a healthy and mature
man, than a woman who he CAN'T control and doesn't
get thrown off-center when her needs aren't met.

Using the "velvet hammer" also has another
AMAZING benefit that women don't often recognize...
or they don't even see as a benefit at first.

It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away
because they're never going to get their act together
in the first place, or just don't want to.

You don't want to be stuck in a dead-end situation
that's just going to make you feel WORSE than you
felt before you met him, do you? Of course not.

And sure, sometimes a guy will hear that and
disappear for a while. But the best part is, if
he's one of the "good guys" you want to be with
for the long-term, he'll come back around.

And when he does, he'll have done all the leg
work to be a better, more conscious partner. The
kind of partner you could have never molded yourself
through any amount of fixing or convincing.


Ever hear of "approval-seeking" behavior?

It's when we try to do and say things simply to
get a positive reaction or judgment about
ourselves from someone else.

Well, it's a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man
early on.

Your need for your guy's APPROVAL is your worst
enemy right now.

To him, what you're doing is actually the

I'll give you an example...

Have you ever seen what it looks like when a
man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a

As he's just getting to know her and he sees
that she hasn't completely made up her mind to
want to be with him, what does he do?

He buys her gifts.

He calls her all the time.

He offers to do favors and errands for her.

All these are attempts to prove to her that
he's good enough to be with her or to get her
attention. This is also known as the "really nice
guy" approach.

Women just never seem to quite "feel it" for
the super nice guy. Not because of the gifts and
flowers and favors, anyway.

A guy can already be attractive AND do nice
things. Agreed?... But doing nice things doesn't
MAKE a man more attractive.

Instead of feeling attracted to a guy you weren't
too "into" at first, you start losing respect for
him when he goes overboard and tries too hard with
the calls, favors and gifts.

You lose respect because you know you can CONTROL

This isn't conscious, either. It's just how you
feel, and feelings are pretty powerful forces.

Ever stop to think that the same thing might
work in reverse between a woman's behavior and a
man's? That a man may feel like he can "control"
you if you're running around trying to please him
or do favors for him or be "nice" to him in order
to get him to want you?


For men, approval-seeking behavior KILLS the
spark that comes from the uncertainty of not
knowing exactly how the women he's with is going
to think and act.

If he can predict what you're going to do and
feels like he "has" you in the palm of his hand,
what is he going to wonder about when it comes
to you?

And what if you start acting predictably

Think about it...

It's a "natural tension" and challenge of
not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates
strong ATTRACTION in men.


What most women ask in situations when a man
isn't responding the way they want him to is...

"WHY is he acting this way and how do I make
sense of it and "fix" it?"

Well, you can't "fix" a man. And I really
feel for you if you're one of those women who
are trying.

But, you CAN change a situation and the
FEELINGS that a man is having for you.
You can change how he experiences you.

The toughest and most important thing to
understand is that men's behavior and thinking
in these situations isn't at all LOGICAL.

In other words, how a man reacts doesn't
make ANY "sense" and doesn't follow any rhyme
or reason.

So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women
when they run it through their own "sense- making

Let me ask you a question...

If you were an attractive man, would you want
to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make
you attracted and feel good... or would you want
a woman who just "got it" on her own... "naturally"
and everything flowed?

Duh. (there's that scientific word again)

You'd want the woman who already "got it."

So, more likely than a conspiracy against
women, men just naturally respond to women who
GET IT, and DON'T respond to women who DON'T.

OK, let's talk about these concepts a little
bit more.

Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is
about a man perceiving that he and a woman are
"naturally compatible" because his emotional
and physical sparks fly when he's around her.

NOTE: I did NOT use the word "logical" here.

Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long
term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman
and then thinking to himself:

"Let's see...she's got a good job, works hard,
is pretty cute, and is a really good person... Hmmm,
I think that we have some natural attraction going
on here."


For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN'T.

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