Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"Be What Men Wants....To Nail Them"

He wants a woman who…

1. Can be his best friend (with boobs).

Notice I didn’t write “IS his best friend” – that scenario is about as rare as its chances are of succeeding, but it happens. What I mean here is that in addition to romantic dinners, going out on the town and the slow passionate love-making – occasionally, you’ll pull his finger. Yes, I’m saying you need to bring yourself down to our level – sometimes. Wear a baseball hat, high five us, trash talk with the best of them, have a beer instead of a cosmo and truly appreciate a nice ass in a short skirt when it walks by – in other words, be “one of the guys” SOMETIMES. More importantly, know when to switch off the girlfriend and switch on the best friend. Guys can be deeper than you think and sometimes we just want to talk and not have every reply going through the “girlfriend filter”. Show him you’re really with him through all of his manly moments and he’ll truly love you for it.

Sorry girls, this is one you can’t fake. Either you’re this type of girl or you’re not – and if you’re “acting” we’ll spot it a mile away. You know, when you take your man to the mall and you ask him what he thinks of that great pair of shoes, he says, “they’re great honey” and you’re pointing at a dress. Yeah, like that.
2. Has outside interests.

Go out with the girls. Go to lingerie parties. Go play ice hockey. Just go somewhere. Neither sex likes having the other up their ass 24/7. In other words, don’t make ME your hobby. We ALL need space – sometimes it would be nice if we could actually GO to space and drink our own recycled pee for 30 days on the International Space Station. Those of you that have been there know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. “Me time” is very important to the success of any relationship.

3. Has an original thought.

I love personal ads. It’s always fun reading the different ways people try to sum themselves up in the allotted space. I have read a LOT of them. I have to tell you that NINETY percent of them are damn near identical.

QUOTES: “Must love dogs” – “Live life to the fullest” – “Love like you’ve never been hurt” - “Dance like nobody’s watching” blahdy blah blah blah. My favorite: “I’m SUCH a Carrie!!” Really? That’s the best you can come up with? You’re out there looking for a date and hopefully you have a lot to offer and the best you can come up with is “I’m such a Carrie”?? I really doubt “Carrie” would write a personal ad describing herself as some pre-packaged TV character from a show that at its peak was mediocre at best.

INTERESTS: “Desperate Housewives” (vomit), “Sex and the City”(overrated), “Grey’s Anatomy” (yawn…ducking), Dave Matthews Band (ducking and running) “Long walks on the beach” - Long walks on the beach??? You live in NEBRASKA. Now if you lived on Long Island or any other COASTAL REGION, I could buy it.

Ok, I’m kidding. Sort of. By all means, have your girly shows and interests, but show me your brains too. I want to know you’ve read something other than the latest issue of US! Weekly. I want to (rarely) be able to intelligently discuss world events, politics or even Shakespeare without the phrase “oh, he reminds me of Big” ever coming into the conversation. Smart women are sexy as hell. For me personally, I am a total trivia dork and any girl that can hang with me gets mad bonus points. The flip side of this coin? ESPECIALLY when it comes to politics – don’t be one of those stubborn people that believes your views are the only RIGHT views. That is just complete ignorance and a total turn off. I like to call it “being confident in your ignorance”.
4. Knows how to pick her battles.

Everybody fights at some point. I refuse to ever be in a relationship (again) where arguing or fighting is a regular occurrence. Any of you that are in a relationship right now where that is “normal”. Get out. It’s not. Stop justifying it. But, since even the best of friends, family and loved ones will eventually throw down – make sure it’s something that’s worth it. If I tell you I’ll be home by 11 and I show up at 12:30 and I didn’t call, let it go. If I tell you I’ll be home by 11 and I show up at noon the next day with a hickey – pick THAT battle. Now that’s a little extreme I guess – so let’s go with the old toilet seat. Now I was raised (for the most part) by my mother – so I am very well trained. But seriously, is a split second glance to make sure it’s down is that so difficult? Now if it’s down and he’s just peeing all over it – pick THAT battle. It seems so simple to me but for some people it’s damn near impossible. Stop and think to yourself if what your mad about is REALLY worth the argument, the harsh words, the hours or days of silent treatment – most of the time, it isn’t. Most of the time you’re actually mad about something entirely different that is a much bigger problem than what you are picking this fight about. Which leads me to…

5. Is an excellent communicator.

Oh this one is HUGE. You women LOVE to think we can read your mind. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: We can’t. I was dating this girl once and she came out of the bathroom completely naked and says to me, “What do you think?” I began to have an immediate panic attack. Here’s what went through my head in 1.2 seconds flat:

“oh fuck. I’m usually really good at this game, but she’s naked. So it’s not the shoes, not the outfit. Hair is the same. She hasn’t been tanning. Nothing new looks pierced. No tattoos. It can’t be as simple “I think you’re hot let’s fuck”….naaaah….don’t fall for that one dumbass. Nails done? Nope. Waxed? Nope. Shit hurry up she’s GONNA KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW….”

And then it was over. I took too long.

She says, “oh my god, how can you NOT notice??”

She had tweezed a few eyebrow hairs.


Again, I use the silly example. Communication is so important. If you aren’t going to tell me anything and everything that I need to know in order to better understand you and you leave me to make my own assumptions, chance are high that I’m gonna get some shit wrong. Tell me immediately if I’ve said something that has hurt your feelings and tell me why if it’s not obvious and I’ll apologize on the spot. Don’t give me the “whatever” and go off and pout and expect me to “just know” and then scream at me 5 hours later because I left the toilet seat up. Also, the same goes for sex. And on the “non-arguing” end of it, don’t be afraid to engage me in a debate.

As a matter of fact, PLEASE DO! I love a good debate and I’m open to being taken to school by somebody and learning new things and possibly changing my point of view. An intelligent debate makes a mighty fine aphrodisiac…

6. Loves herself.

This one is pretty simple. You ladies like confident men. Well it goes both ways. We are all our own worst critics and you women are spoonfed – check that – dumptruckfed nearly impossible images of the female form everywhere you turn. So it’s tougher for you, I get that. But if we’ve made it to date #2 – chances are very high that you’ve passed the physical portion of the dating audition. Now if we get to date #whatever date we get naked – and I pull off your dress and find you squeezed into an XS wetsuit that I unzip and suddenly there’s 3 of you where there once was just one – we may have a problem. Seriously though, curves are sexy, freckles are cute, scars are even hotter and any woman worthy of calling herself a real woman has a few stretch marks – we really don’t care.

We REALLY don’t. If we’re naked, I’m not contemplating a Vanity Fair cover shoot – I want to connect with you. But I also want to feel and explore every inch of you before I do and it’s YOU that made me want you…and that’s hard to do with someone that is constantly putting themselves down, pointing out their flaws or fishing for compliments. Take pride in the woman you are and I promise I’ll make you feel like one.

7. Loves me.

I kind if have to make this one personal because I can’t speak for every guy. By “loves me”, I mean you really have to love ME. The whole package. I’m well aware that there are some men out there that have it all – looks, personality, hot body, loaded – I am not one of those guys. I never have been and never will be. But don’t mistake that for a lack of confidence. I am very confident in what I DO have to offer.

I consider myself to be slightly better than average looking if I’m being honest with myself and I’m built like the Pillsbury Dough Boy with about the same shade of white for skin color. And yes, I make that noise if you poke my belly. Beyond the average looks and the lack of shape I’m in – I LOVE ME.

I have gone through more up and downs and lived the shit out of my life and I have finally become the man I want to be. I’m a
little bit funny, have a larger than life personality, just about everyone I meet thinks I’m a pretty damn cool guy, I’m very smart, creative, I’m an awesome listener, I have huge arms that will make you feel tiny and safe, an excellent lover, awesome kissable lips and I can write ridiculously long run-on sentences. Oh, and I’m quite modest.

So you see, the upside of me far outweighs the downside of me – and I need someone that sees that and ultimately will love me for it.
8. Has a high sex drive and a firm grasp of her inhibitions (or lack thereof).

Great sex is one of the best things in the world. “Great” being the keyword. Anybody can go through the motions, roll over and go to sleep. However, variety, experimentation and having an open mind in the bedroom/kitchen/balcony/elevator/public library can go a long way to making a great relationship that much better. Role-playing, laughing at a trashy porno, fantasy fulfillment, and garden tools are all perfectly healthy for your sex life and encouraged so as to avoid the dreaded “routine”. Routine can kill even the best of relationships. In other words ladies, you don’t have to keep your toys hidden in your panty drawer or that special box under the bed anymore. We wanna watch! Really, we do.

9. Is capable of and understands compromise.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. A day at the mall = a day at the ballpark. A chick flick = a guy flick. Take turns sharing each other’s interests. It’s not all about either of you. It’s about both of you. If I plan a weekend consisting of driving the countryside, a picnic, antiquing and a bed & breakfast somewhere romantic for you – it’s your turn – figure out all by yourself a weekend of things I enjoy and you plan it. If I like the hunter green paint for the den and you like the periwinkle, we get the seafoam. The best relationships thrive on small sacrifices and compromise – without complaint.

10. She wants “the swing” too.

That says “the” swing not “to” swing. However, more power to swingers – I know a few and their relationships seem to work better than most. But that’s another blog entirely. Anyone that is a TRUE "T. Blog" fan will remember what “the swing” is. I posted a blog a LONG time ago trying to answer a similar question: “(T. Brad) What are you looking for in a woman?) I call it “the swing”. I’ll admit it sounds uber-cheesy, but it’s true. I am looking for someone that I can be with 20 years from now sitting on a porch swing overlooking the water and holding hands and making out or just rocking back and forth in silence with a sly grins on our faces because we both just “know”. If my grandfather were still alive today, he’d be on that swing next to my grandmother at this very moment and they’d be holding hands and smiling…

They were married for 50 years – till death did they part. They are my proof that great lifelong relationships can happen. So yeah, I call it “the swing”. I want that.

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