Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Closure. It's amazing what we will do for it. We'll move mountains, stand for hours in the pouring rain, smear macaroni and cheese over our body and show up wearing nothing but a trench coat. All so we can tie up our failed relationship with a neat little bow.

So he's vanished on you. Whether it's been two weeks or two years, there's no denying it sucks. All of a sudden you're left wondering what you did wrong. How could you not have seen it coming? Everything seemed to be going so well. Just one more conversation will help you understand it all.

He's your drug and you need a fix. So you pick up the phone to call, with the following fantasy conversation running through your head:

You: Hi, John. How have you been?John: Miserable. Life without you is unbearable. How could I have been such a fool to let you go? I'll be over in five minutes to spend every second of the rest of my life making it up to you.

In reality, the conversation goes a little like this:

You: Hi, John. How have you been?John: Fine.You: You haven't called for a while.John: Yeah, I've been busy.You: Can I see you?John: I've really got a lot going on right now. I don't have a minute to spare.

"Busy" is guy code for "I'm just not that into you." To tell the truth, it's girl code too. We all jump through hoops to avoid hurting someone else. No one wants to say, "You know, you're just not doing it for me anymore." Pain is a fact of life -- sometimes we cause it, sometimes someone causes it for us. But there's no denying when a relationship is right, there will be no need to beg the other person to see you. He won't be able to stay away.

Closure isn't something someone else gives you. It is something you give yourself, once you've healed. There's nothing that other person can tell you to help you heal any faster; you simply must mourn the relationship and reach a point where you're ready to move on. And the best way to start healing is to cut off all contact.

So before you pick up that telephone, imagine how you'll feel when he doesn't answer. Or when he blows you off. Every time you call, you're just giving him one more chance to hurt you. If he weren't planning to reject you, don't you think he'd be calling you? Surely he hasn't forgotten your phone number already.

Very wise words I once read:

"Every romantic relationship you ever have will not work out. Until you find the one that does."

It just takes one, folks. And it could be that person you meet six months after you've kicked the sorry jerk who didn't treat you right out of your life...or six years later. There's no way to know for sure. But the only way to find him is to get over the one who doesn't want you and get back out there again.

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