I was sitting with a friend this evening, discussing plans for the future. You know, I know a lot of people are suffering at this time and I feel absolutely horrible about that. I am not totally disconnected from the reality of the situation many who may even read this are in. Closer to the chest, there are people that I know who are unemployed.
But I would be amiss and a liar if I said that I'm not staring down the barrel of a life I have always wanted, and always deserved. And I do deserve it. I do deserve to be very successful, to have whatever it is I want to have, to not have a boss. I deserve all of it. I deserve the place in Dubai, away from here. I deserve a ranch in Queensland, Australia's wine country, overlooking rolling hills. I deserve it because I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it.
What kills me is that I was born more able to have it than others, and I don't have it yet. That's like knowing you can play as good as Pele, and yet, you're on a traveling soccer team. It isn't great.
I think a lot of people in this world have a ceiling on what they're able do, set by what they want in life. I think a lot of people in this world want what they can't have, because they can't become what they need to become in order to achieve the greatness they possess. These are the people that are always right, instead of always listening.
These are the people that are always fighting, instead of always preparing.
I'm laying in bed, thinking about the past. I shouldn't be, but the past is the greatest barometer for things in life, isn't it? It shows how far one has come, how far one may have fallen. I think that in my case it shows how much one can change. From the good guy, to the bad guy, to somewhere in between in the meantime, I've had a lot of thoughts about the things I've seen said privately and publicly about me, by those who didn't think I had seen what they said.
It is amazing how people will put you down when they don't think you'll notice, and yet, when they fall down, needing a helping hand, you're the only one with the one that could help. It's amazing, because I know someone that needs a job or she will be homeless. But well, this is the same person that would have spit in my face, that tried to destroy my life. The same woman that told me I was worthless, no good and useless.
Then I know a woman who was more than anything else a friend, someone who was there in the darkest period of my life, providing a smile. And now, she can't smile because of a condition, and it is very upsetting.
It seems very unfair, at times. Life seems to be a tease with moments of elation, then moments of incredible cruelty, where people are brought down in an incredibly vicious cycle.
I cannot believe the way my life is going at this time, as I have slipped into the lead position at my work, racing forward not in a race against my coworkers. No, that race ended months ago. I'm trying to beat myself in my figures, not them. They're not competing.
I have made more in the last week than I've made since 2004. All because I have been willing to do what no one else seems to know how to, at least not as well as I can. If there is one talent I have that no one knows about, it is that I can clean things, very, very well.
I am beginning to do well to the point where I may need to incorporate myself in order to go into business for myself. In this market of instability, I am considering two offers of investment capital, and a possible meeting with a dream literary agent.
Because, underneath these tortured eyes lies someone who is flesh, bone and above all else, a creative force that isn't afraid to take risks, to ask for what he wants in life, and to ask it of those who are able to give it, no matter what.
I guess I should hope the best for those who cursed me in the past, though I can't help but wonder, if the roles were reversed, would they feel the same?
In the end, the only thing I can hope for those who look down on me is to go out and be happy. Stop being so down. It doesn't do you well, at all. The very moment I stopped the darkness, the light of day crept into my life and stole the sadness from me.
I'm not unique in that sense; I'm just willing.
I'm no believer in the Egalitarian myth, don't get me wrong, but I am a strong believer in the fact that I deserve to do better than most because I am willing to do what it takes to be the best at what I do. I don't spend all day on Myspace anymore, because to be honest, I'm writing a story that I want to read. I am doing what I can to make sure that when all is said and done, the person giving my eulogy turns to my body and says, "Anything else?"
The old me would have gloated about how well I am doing right now, about how after all the bullshit Lisa and I were put through, we came through. We didn't succumb, and in fact, started doing better under a terrible situation, because we were forced to cut back at the beginning of our time together.
The old me would have slapped my ex-wife across the face with $10,000 and said, "What's it smell like, Bitch?"
But $10,000 isn't enough for me. $100,000 isn't, either.
There is no monetary value one can place on the title of The Best at what you do. Though I'm positive it will be for a lot more than either of those figures.And it isn't tough. Just find what you are good at, and passionate about. You make sure they line up, then you grab on, and do not let go until you have what you want to have.
I never thought I'd live past the age of 30. Now that I am 30, it is time to take my place in this world, and be as I was meant to be.