Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Forgiveness, a hard concept

If you scan the daily news you’ll often find accounts of wrongdoers and criminals asking their “victims” for forgiveness. And the same happens in relationships, if you have wronged your partner in some way, it is common to ask for forgiveness. But the fact is that forgiveness is not something you should ask for, instead you should apologize and take steps to make sure that whatever it was that you were doing wrong doesn’t happen again. Once is a mistake, twice is sloppy and more is thoughtless or worse.

Instead forgiveness is a gift that the wronged person gives themselves, a way out of the pain or hurt inflicted upon them. A way to avoid ending up angry, bitter or both. It’s about not holding onto the negative feelings and emotions associated with the person who did the wrongdoing, and also sometimes understanding the motives behind the act, whether it was deliberate, an accident, a thoughtless moment, etc. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting either! Which is very important to remember, and which is why you might be able to forgive even the most heinous crime, but you won’t be able tto forget it, and you might also not feel that you want to have anything more to do with the perpetrator in the future, and yet it is possible to forgive them.

As said before, forgiveness is a gift to oneself but it doesn’t come naturally in most cases, the common way to respond to someone hurting you is to back away and get angry at said person. And many times it is hard to let go of that anger and unless you find a way to get rid of the anger, that anger will end up growing until it consumes you. And forgiveness is just that, a way to deal with the anger.

At first, forgiveness is often very frail and nothing more than a decision to try to forgive, and even small stuff can crush that forgiveness before it even had the chance of manifesting itself. And after that it is like a small seed, it needs constant nurturing and affirmation to be able to break out of the seed, but given time it will start to bud and set out roots and in time it will blossom under your nourishment and blossom like a beautiful flower.

When forgiveness works, you will be able to continue your life without being stuck in a circle of negativity towards somebody who have harmed you, and you will start to heal for real. Naturally some hurts are so bad that they will never completely heal, but will leave scars, that will for the rest of your life remind you of what have happened, but with forgiveness even the scars might fade, but the wounds won’t be continually be kept open by the anger and bitterness you would otherwise be nurturing inside of you.

So to get back to where, we started it is actually wrong for wrongdoers to ask for forgiveness, because forgiveness is not for them, they will have to forgive themselves for doing the things that they have done. But to ask somebody else to forgive you is in the end meaningless, save when that person is your God!

Forgive your ex, it’s good for you

Ten good reasons why you shouldn’t bad-mouth your ex, and why it is healthy for you, your kids and your current relationship partner.
Forgive your ex, it’s good for you

Talking negatively about an ex can actually do damage in places where you might not expect it to. Here are 10 reasons to avoid being critical of a past partner.

Your current companion will automatically think this is how you would talk about him or her if you broke up.

Being the bigger person is so much better for your emotional well-being than being the opposite. It’s helpful to accept that whomever you were with brought something good into your life.
What comes around goes around. Call it karma if you like, but most of us have seen how this works, so why tempt fate? Keep the negativity to yourself.

If you have children from a prior relationship, it’s emotionally unhealthy for them to hear you put down their other parent. Just because you’re not living together doesn’t mean you’re not still jointly responsible for your kids. Remember, children learn by example.

Everyone eventually tires of the same old song. Your friends may be too kind to tell you, so ask them if your behavior is over the top. If after awhile, you start to bore yourself, change the radio station in your head and tune out ex-talk.

Dwelling on the past is unhealthy emotionally. If you can’t stop the thoughts in your head or get past the feelings on your own, it’s usually a sign that you have some unfinished business.

Holding onto anger and pain is also physically unhealthy. Check yourself out and make sure you’re not neglecting your body and hurting yourself. If you find that thoughts of your ex make you tighten your muscles, spend some time exercising and get a massage.

Feeling uncomfortable is a waste of time. If you’re like the rest of us, you have far too many other, more positive things to put your time and energy into.

If you ever choose to reconcile, what you are saying now will make that much more difficult. It will even make a friendship challenging and, if you have kids, you need to stay friends.

The truth is that life with this person wasn’t all bad. Remember that you chose to spend time together because you had things in common. You deserve to keep your memories as nice as possible.

See this as an opportunity to make your life a better place as you remove a reason to not feel good about yourself. Remember that every time you send out negative thoughts, you are also feeling them.

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