Sunday, June 8, 2008

"Tears,Laughter & Joy"

life, love, friendship, & family

on life:

life can be found only in the present moment. the past is gone, the future is not yet here, & if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life. --- .life for me is just a big puzzle, every piece fitting in one particular spot, & no where else. a puzzle that cannot be completed without each & every piece, no matter how weird of a shape it is. i truely believe that every moment in life leads you to your next, which leads you to your next, & so on, & so forth. i think that things could never be the same if something happened instead, or didn't happen at all. it's like pages in a book; page one is first & only can be first, or else the rest of the book would be thrown off.
it's kinda hard to say that life is fully understood, because i don't believe it is. i don't believe that any one person on the face of the earth can really say they know the worth of life, or they know what their purpose in life is, because there are many. i do believe, however, that everything happens for a reason & that nothing that happens should ever be regreted, or wished away, no matter how horrible it is.without suffering there is no compassion. sometimes we have to go through the bad times to experience the good, like the calm after a storm. life is to be lived everyday as it comes, or so i think so.
i think that planning any day ahead is asking too much of life. you need to wake up every morning & realize that some people aren't...that there are people out there who have it worse than you do, so don't bitch about your hair being frizzy, or your broken nail. think about the people fighting for every breath they have, just to live one more second of life. i'm sure they would give anything to live one of your "shitty" days. we need to really increase the peace among ourselves, & the first step is you. you need to make an effort not to hate, not to discriminate, but to welcome, to accept, to cherish.
it's really hard to make a difference when no one can hear you, so speak out, protest, protect. don't let the world tell you how to live your life. you need to fight for what you think is best for you & live your life that way, because no one is going to live it for life has been no where near perfect. i've been through emotional wrecks so many times, & have gone through "self- renovation" over & over again. but i think that it is the right thing to do.
sometimes i do deviate away from the path that i'm trying to walk, so i need to stop, take a look around, & figure out where i'm going. my life has been filled with disappointment, sorrow, disapproval, rejection, & so much let down. but it's okay, because it really shaped me today, & because of it, i'm able to stand up on my two feet & say that i'm a strong person. i'm so grateful for everyday, & for the life i have now. it's been hard, trying my best to make them proud, but in the end i can look back and know that i did. my life goals are simple; to make a difference in someone's life, & to be all that i am meant to be. i might not know what that is just yet, & i might never figure it out, but i can damn sure try to be the best that i can.

i've talked shit,hated, bitched, moaned, & all that other good stuff. but i am mature enough to take ownership of the shit that i've done & learn that i need to be a better me. my life is just starting off & i can't wait for it to begin. for me to step with my head held high into the room of life & face it all with pride. it's time for the world to meet malia.on love: relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. the minute you close your hand & squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. you may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. a relationship is like that. held loosely, with respect & freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. but hold on too tightly, too possessively, & the relationship slips away & is lost. ---

love has always been a complicated thing for me, as it is for every person. i've had exactly one real relationship, and it had its good and its bad. but i never onced believed that love was unreachable. i have, in the past, thrown the word love around like a boomarang so that i could feel the security of someone saying "i love you too".
honestly though, who am i, or who is anyone, to say they know what love really is? can i be defined in just a couple of sentences? any person, no matter who they are, has the right to be in love, to say they love another. yes, i've dated a lot of people, but only had one very serious relationship; and i fell in and out, on and off. sometimes when you dedicate your whole being to someone, you forget what's truely important; yourself. i'm just starting to figure this out. it's okay to love someone, but you must always love yourself first & i figured out that loving someone & losing them is more worth it than sitting back & wondering "what if".

you need to let go of all expectations you have on love & let yourself be completely enwrapped in it. but when it leaves you, you must also understand that you can't just slap a band-aid on it & forget about it. you let the wound heal itself & understand that you felt enough pain to know you truely cared.i have no expectations of any single person i meet other than for them to show me the real them, not some phony because they think it'll get them further. all i ask is that, if i'm giving you respect by showing you the real me, you do the same, & also respect the fact that it's not easy for me, or anyone else, to just let their guards down.

but i'm not one to do that, because i already figured out that having a wall up doesn't keep everyone else out, it keeps you in. all i ask is for that chance, & if you want to hate me afterwards, then be my guest, but don't have pre-arranged thoughts about who i am, or what i'm all about just because of things you've heard, or things you think you know. be crazy, be silly, weird, dorky. be you, & be not afraid of what may arise. i need someone who is willing to take risks & isn't afraid of what is in store. i'm nothing special, not perfect, i'm only me.

i put my all into a relationship, & sometimes that is my downfall. i've played the game already & i've been played, hit that reset button, & gone through it all over again, but i'm tired of it. yes, i'm young, but i'm just at a point in my life where i'm ready for someone to stick around, to want to be with me through all the bad times, all my bitching, everything. i want someone who wants to learn everything there is to know about me, & isn't afraid to let me do the same. i've been just the pretty face, just that rebound, just another girlfriend. now it's time for me to be me. i want someone to love me for me, every part of me, every imperfection; the real me.on friendship: some people come into our lives & quickly go. some stay for a while & leave footprints on our hearts. & we are never, ever the same. --- unknown.

it takes a lot of understanding, time, & trust to gain a close friendship with someone. as i approach a time of my life of complete uncertainty, my friends are my most precious asset. --- erynn miller.friends have come & gone, in & out of my life, just as any other person. sometimes, it's something really stupid, or sometimes it's something that i'll never forget, but i do always forgive. i can never hold a grudge on anyone, or be upset for the rest of my life.
i hate feeling like i'm hated by someone, so i always try to make things right, no matter if i think they are the ones who are wrong. my friends have always been there for me no matter what. yeah, we argued, gone without talking, but always came back to realizing that, in the end, we would always be friends. that's what friends are i guess. they're those people who you can yell at when you're mad, & they'll understand your stress. the people you can cry on, & share your deepest feelings with. i must sound super cheesy by now.

anyway, my friends are those kind of friends that you can't replace. the kind of friends that go out in public and make assess out of themselves just because. they are the ones who don't care who's around, & just dance in the middle of a parking lot. i would not be where i am today if it wasn't for them, so thank you. i know that soon, we'll all be going our separate ways, & i probably won't be seeing or talking to you guys as much as i'd like to, but that's just life. i'm sure that someway, we'll keep in contact, but no matter how little we talk, you all need to know that i will love you guys for the rest of my life.

i would list every single one of your names, but it's not that there's too much or too little of you guys, it just that i have too much to say about each one of you. maybe next time, <3>

i really started to understand what family was all about, probably because i let myself. they really have been everything that anyone could ever want in a family, & have always supported anything that i pursued in my life, no matter if they thought it was better if i did something else. they, like any family, watched over me, voiced their opinions, but never once made decisions for me, & i respect them so much for that.
i could always count on them for guidance when i needed it, & air to breathe when i need that too. but all-in-all, i couldn't ask to be apart of a better family. from the arguments, to the suprise parties, to karaoke filled newyears celebrations, to tearful, insightful conversations with my mom. although the only real family i know is my parents, and although i'm not close to my other family members, i am thankful for what i have, because they are my ohana. i love them dearly. they are my rocks, my stability & i could not ask for anything more.

No comments: