Saturday, August 2, 2008

Why Do People Get Married?

Once, quite a lifetime ago it seems, I was voted one of myspace's Most Romantic Women in a blog contest held by the lovely Ms. B (wasn't it?). I tied with my once dear friend, and whom I will always call friend no matter what, "Moon Goddess Chandra."

When I was listed in that category, I couldn't understand how. Then people began to point out some of the romantic things I did but I still questioned it. It was a nice little perk and then I did realize, I DID act kind of romantic.

Yes, I can be romantic. I can be loving, kind, heart-felt, sincere, robustly, passionately romantic, but mostly, I end up being logical. I simply like answers based on grounded information. Unless of course it's metaphysical then I'm cool with that too.

So … while continuing to do Byron Katie's Work on the three words, as I was driven home in the cab tonight I was overcome with panic because my brain was completely empty of an answer to this question:

Why do people get married?

Once upon a time there was a reason right? And as a young girl, I was raised in the era where you married so your children would be "legitimate." Yah I blew that one. I was a trailblazer. Got comfortable with it too because there was no child who could have been wanted more except by another mother who felt the same.

By then I was taking care of 98% of the majority of the mature responsible issues in the relationship, household and our lives. No need to get married. In the end, no need to have him around because coupled with his lump on a log status, he was abusive. And a drug addict. And an alcoholic. And unemployed. A real groom to be.

Sadly, several years before when I truly wanted to be married to him, I prayed silently before my God that I vowed to love and honor him and that I saw him as my husband and no piece of paper could make it more so. Turns out I was just a nice piece of nawgahide with a money clip attached. Credit denied. Move along.

After he was gone I found myself single and dating and raising my son. I had less problems in my life when I knew I had no one at home to put my thumb in Chinese thumb screws everytime a responsible decision had to be made. Bills were paid. Gas never got shut off again. Electric stayed on. Food in the house.

Child, although having autism and other comorbid conditions, well, I was on top of that too as best I could be during that time frame since the assistance wasn't as available then as it is now. I was happy. Marriage didn't enter my mind. Why would it? I was doing it all.

Then comes "live in number 2." No words of love had been spoken between us until three months after he moved in. Our relationship was two years old by then. I was still young enough, and romantic enough to believe that marriage meant something. That it was the "ultimate payoff" of love.

And when he mentioned it, I actually allowed a little spark to come to life inside of me. And thought ... well what does that mean? I bet it will be amazing to share someone's name, to have someone love me so much. I supported his dreams to go back over the road. I did what I THOUGHT a good wifey did. Unfortunately, I learned that "living together" doesn't mean wifey or hubby to others.

I prayed that God would show me the way. I prayed that He would help me understand where this relationship was going since it seemed like 2 was going one way and I was … just there and definitely not walking the same path because I could never quite catch up with him or where his mind was.

I loved him with my entire heart, and once again prayed to God, asking him to bless our union and look with favor on us and please let this become a healthy balanced love relationship, not this detached arrangement it seemed to have become.

Let him see me, notice me and realize that his pain was my pain and his joy was my joy and vice versa. I even asked him to come back to church and find God with me again. I knew where He lived in me. It just seemed like He was missing in.

2. I wanted him to feel that beauty and know we could have love and binding through Him. What an ass I was. Turns out I guess all I turned out to be was the venting panel he needed to release all his animosity toward his ex. Because I'm pretty sure he wasn't seeing me or the vision I thought we'd both talked about so early on. When we loved one another.

No marriage there even though he knew that I was of a generation where I still felt like women were looked on as loose and hoes if they lived with a man without being married. Besides, I wanted another baby, and he wouldn't have one without being married. He held the ring, and wasn't giving it to me.

The same issues were reoccurring without a resolution and it really didn't seem like he was seeing what I was doing to make anything better. And besides, when you can't understand someone's child has autism that's just effed up. Ciao.

Once again I went back into my safe, protected, mind-frame. I'm single. Doin it all alone, which for some reason didn't feel so different than when I was in my relationships. No biggie. I'm mighty good at it by now. Been doing it for 20+ years.

When I was a young girl, until my first molestation and abuse, I believed marriage meant two people loved one another, had fun together, might even be friends, got married, bought a house, had babies together, and lived a quiet mediocre life with nice little family vacations planned.

Sure things happened but the people loved each other and got through it together. I THRIVED on that vision. Then the innocence died. But the old programming of marriage still stuck there for some reason.

I texted my friend
Peabody tonight. I rarely text him simple questions like what is 1+1? Tonight's question was, "Why do people get married?" He responded, "You never ask the simple ones do you?" I replied I thought he'd be disappointed if I did lol.

And after getting home, I was looking for Pastor Jesse because I planned to write to him asking the same question but in more detail, after trying to work through answers with my beloved Michael. We're moving in that direction and there is no doubt I love him but i have questions that needs answers.

"Why do people get married? What benefits do they get from it? What are the perks that one gets from being a twosome instead of singleton? And it can't just be financial. I've had my heart broken twice realizing that the financial combining of homes, while it may make good financial sense, does NOT a marriage or good relationship make. Does it? When I was younger it meant children and a future filled with memories.

Now I have a beautiful son (and now I'm going through Empty Nest) and had hoped I'd have more children and while one day there will most likely be grandchildren, I need to know WHY people get married now? Women are just as capable if not more so of taking care of themselves now while single. Men don't do too bad of a job either while they remain single.

I vowed twice before God that I would always cherish the person, always allow room for him and I to grow, work to be a partnership and ladies and gentlemen, I've been b^mf>cked because they sure didn't feel the same way about me. God I was so naive. And stupid. I had studied ancient religions and other culture's ceremonies for marriage and to me, it didn't have to be before a priest but it had to be a sanctified and sacred moment!

How did people get to the point where living together just meant roommate with benefits? How did it get to the point where it meant, "Yah this works for now but eh, you're Ms./Mr. Right Now but I don't see it lasting forever"?

How did living with someone in the confines of a home, that's supposed to be place of love turned into sex in exchange for help paying the bills?

Where did the love go? Where did the future visions and prospects go? And if there are those that make living together work, and I do believe they can and do, what purpose does that staying together bring?

What purpose does marriage serve? I'll take any and all answers at this point. I have yet (until recently) to have any healthy relationship that could show me the benefits of two people being together, or what benefits being married to that person would offer.

Especially considering how well I took care of myself during relationships and after and what they had to offer that I couldn't give myself.

Drop in and give me your thoughts. I'm hoping Pastor Jesse and Peabody write back to me. We already know I have a hell of a time with visions of the future, hopes, dreams or goals, so for me, marriage is just like … a period at the end of a sentence.

The beauty and romance of it has been ruined for me over the years. Help me see what GOOD marriages or partnerships give to each other. I love Michael and I know over time he can undo most of what I learned over the years.

He is in a place where he is stuck helping ME to learn what a healthy relationship looks like, or how people who are truly partners act toward each other because frankly, I have NO CLUE. None.

Whatsoever. I've done it all on my own for so very long and I've already realized all the love I thought I was sharing was simply me giving it away with little sentiment in return.

How can two people know that they should come together and how do they create a life together with common dreams? Visions? Goals? And whatever ELSE the beauties of marriage holds that after 23 freakin years I have no IDEA ABOUT!

I'll be posting some of my research when I get it together. Love is all well and good, but it takes more than love to make a marriage work that much HAS to be true doesn't it?

AND as a bonus, if you don't know, just type I don't know. OR leave me a joke or a comic or a nice alcohol beverage recipe. It should be time for a BUTB soon.

No comments: